Starting IL relationship right?

[Anonymous]

My relationship with DH's parents has always been fine. They're kind, loving, generous people, but we have very little in common and our social interaction styles are very different. (DH is very different from them.) We spend time with them, but I always feel a little awkward.

We have a 1 month old DD now, and.. I'm not sure if I'm touchier about our differences, they're getting more difficult, or both. At our last visit, though, they:

-asked again if we're using formula, like they've done at every visit (I'm breastfeeding.. Still..)
-told us we burp her too hard
-refused to hand her back when I asked (DH stepped in and just took her)
-were generally uncomfortable with newer parenting things, which I understand but adds to my feelings of frustration (not boiling pacis each time they're dropped, wanted to put a pillow under her face for tummy time, think we shouldn't be taking her out in public, etc)
-sent us an email afterward exhorting us to "please, please do take good care of her.. And please remember to support her head when you hold her."

With all of these, it seemed on the border between joking and serious.

Objectively, I know these are minor things, and it could be a LOT worse, and DH says he's just learned to ignore them. But they keep asking to babysit and even be our daycare, and I can't shake my discomfort with these interactions. It doesn't help that I'm exhausted, and my parents are deceased so I have no other grandparent interactions to compare this to (and I wish they were here, too).

So. How do I go about either fixing my attitude or changing my expectations or changing my behaviors around them to try to have a good relationship with them?

[Anonymous]

Get your husband to stop their comments. They're bugging you and making you uncomfortable. He's fine ignoring them, but you're not. He needs to shut them down immediately, as in "Mom, if you ask about formula again, we'll ask you to leave."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get your husband to stop their comments. They're bugging you and making you uncomfortable. He's fine ignoring them, but you're not. He needs to shut them down immediately, as in "Mom, if you ask about formula again, we'll ask you to leave."

Or maybe just shoot them!

Everyone's adjusting. Keep your boundaries, be firm but kind, and make it clear you're in charge. It will help not just them, but you also, to stand firm in the role of parent while with them.

There are nightmare inlaws out there, but most of the time folks adjust to their new roles.

[Anonymous]

How often do they visit and for how long?

[Anonymous]

I'd be tempted to reply, "Thank you so much for the reminder to take good care of my son! If you hadn't reminded me, I might have forgotten and left him in traffic or something."

Don't let them be your day care unless you want these battles every day.

[Anonymous]

I know and remember as a FTM that those comments really bothered me. With water under the bridge, I realize it was just an awkward transition from being seen by parents and in laws as a child vs an equal. Just remind them that you do know best and keep on trucking!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd be tempted to reply, "Thank you so much for the reminder to take good care of my son! If you hadn't reminded me, I might have forgotten and left him in traffic or something."

Don't let them be your day care unless you want these battles every day.

Ugh, seriously. The first few things you mentioned sounded annoying but maybe accounted for by generation gap issues that might get better with time, but that email...I would have blown a gasket.

I will say that my first month or so with the baby and both sets of new GPs was not necessarily representative of how things have gone since then (my son is 15 mo). They have calmed down a lot (in our case, it is more my parents who go a bit overboard sometimes). It takes a while for your parents to get used to seeing you as a parent, and so I think at first the impression they have may be more like you are some teenage babysitter who needs instruction. And I do find it helpful to remind myself that our parents do know a lot about raising kids, even if they aren't up on some of the latest stuff.

I would not let them babysit until I was sure that they were on board with your parenting choices, especially anything safety-related like the pillows you mentioned; they don't have to agree with them, but they do have to be willing to follow them. I think its fine for things to be a little different with GPs - you don't necessarily have to strive for very single thing to be exactly the same at grandmas house as it is at home - but there are basics that have to be consistent. One way I've tried to be diplomatic about some of the things that have changed since we were little is to acknowledge that it is a change and to wonder aloud what will be different when my kids are raising kids that I will have to get used to. I think it can be helpful, too, to explain the reasons behind the new recommendations, when you can, although I probably actually sound like a pedantic jerk when I do that.

[Anonymous]

Some things are purely a generational thing which you can take with a grain of salt (just like when know-it-all friends offer advice!) Try not to let it get to you and just remind yourself that they are simply trying to look out for her the best way they know too. Safety things (like the pillow) can get a gentle "I'm not comfortable with the safety issue involved there. Maybe I'm being overprotective but that's how we first timers are." Sometimes for the sake of relationships it's better to take the high road and pull it back on yourself rather than making an accusation to them.

Just keep replying "We all have our own ways of caring for her - even Bill and I have different styles - but rest assure we always have her best interests in mind." I used to tell my mom how lucky she was not to have to worry about the parenting details anymore and she could just relax and love and spoil the baby like a good grandma. She knew that meant to zip her trap!

[Anonymous]

All of that is really annoying--the not giving the baby back is beyond the pale.

What does DH say? Is he willing to speak up ("Mom, drop it about the formula!" Etc)? Or have a separate conversation with them? I see he was willing to just take the baby, that is good.

As comparison, both my parents and ILs wrote us emails telling us what good parents we are, even if they did nitpick or question a little here and there during the visit.

I think it might help if DH would have a talk, and it will definitely help just to have time pass.

No way should they be your daycare, and I woudlnt have them babysit until things improve.

[Anonymous]

Also, how often have you seen them in a month's time? You might want to have fewer visits for the sake of your long term relationship.

[Anonymous]

Ugh I had similar issues. My parents wanted to learn everything. They took a grandparents class at the hospital to get the updates on everything from swaddling, sleeping on backs, pacis etc! MIL just critized and didn't want to learn anything. I was too overwhelmed to fight that battle but dh stood up for us when she made comments (didn't ignore) and had private conversations. It took some time but dh told her if she wants to watch the baby she has to learn the way WE do things and evertually she got on board. We started slow with her babysitting 20 minutes for us to get ice cream and now she's done 2 hours by herself. In a month she is watching ds and putting him to bed while we attend a wedding. She's not going to do things exactly as I would bUT she's gotten better. Good luck op. Get dh on board so you don't sound like the bitchy DIL

[Anonymous]

"We are the parents"

OP, you need to have a line, a consistent line, that you say over-and-over again. Have it be automatic. That way you don't have to spend energy or thought to it.

Any line will do - just offered that up as an example.

Say it. If they follow it up with another comment, you walk out of the room (with the baby, of course !!)

[Anonymous]

Aaarrgghhh. Suck it up. Grandparents give unsolicited advice all the time. Don't take it personally. Once your baby starts interacting with them they will forget about all this advice giving business. If they did not care about your baby they would not give advice, so this is actually a good thing.

Buy them a camera and ask them to take pictures of the baby ...that kept my FIL busy when my kids were little. Direct their energies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know and remember as a FTM that those comments really bothered me. With water under the bridge, I realize it was just an awkward transition from being seen by parents and in laws as a child vs an equal. Just remind them that you do know best and keep on trucking!

Yeah. I have to say, although it's all annoying, none of it is terrible. My own mother is always asking me if I "like" my son. Yes, mom, he's 10 months old and I love him! Just like I loved him the last twenty times you asked. She also always asks to babysit but she has health issues that preclude her from doing so. Only she gets hurt when I say that so I just find a way to stall. Whatever. She's a loving grandparent and that's what's important. It sounds like your in-laws are, too. Once you are not so sleep-deprived, and also are more confident in your own handling of the baby, it won't bother you so much (except for the safety issues like the pillow -- if they're going to watch your son, they have to agree to follow your rules). Until then, you pretty much have to grit your teeth and endure it.

[Anonymous]

some of the comments should fade with time, worried emails etc. (hopefully on its own or with your DH's input).

I would have zero tolerance over are not giving the baby back right away. I don't know the exact details of what happened but if they obviously ignored your request I would speak up to them. I would say something like "I know you enjoy holding her, I understand that, but you must give my baby back when I ask". and see how they respond, go from there.