Can therapy help accept, not just tolerate, my spouse's

[Anonymous]

flaws and habits that make me crazy? We fight about the same two things always: how he doesn't notice what needs to be done so he does much less for the house and kids, and about how he doesn't give me enough physical affection, including sex. We have discussed these two topics ad nauseum when things are calm and no change. It's been 20 years. I'm sick of fighting over these issues, ruining family time, feeling like a chump. If I don't divorce him over them, I need to find a way to get past these issues.

Could individual therapy help me? If so, what kind of therapy should I look for?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could individual therapy help me? If so, what kind of therapy should I look for?

Yes. Therapy will help you figure out how to get to the root of why these things bother you and then to see if you can find a way to not let them bother you, if you even really want to. I would be willing to bet your husband is alienated from you if you're constantly having fights because you are reproaching him for not doing enough. That's often known/seen as nagging. It's a huge turnoff.

I don't want to take sides or say "he is lazy, you are justified" or to say "you're an unreasonable nagging shrew". It kind of doesn't matter. A therapist can help you process whether or not you want to continue in a relationship with someone who doesn't do as much around the house as you want or not - they can't help you figure out how to change him and make him do more. A therapist can give you strategies for how you can change your behavior to perhaps re-seduce your husband, but can't make him change and want you. CBT is very good for learning to process emotions and learn/manage new behaviors or responses to your emotions/feelings.

But after 20 years? I bet you are both in a total rut and the marriage is toast. Honestly: why are you married to someone who doesn't give you the love and affection you want, especially when they evidently are so unpleasant for you to live with? That seems very very irrational...it's like refusing to trade in or sell a car that leaves you stranded all the time and is an ugly heap on top of it...why? A therapist can help you explore those questions.

[Anonymous]

The reason we're still married is that we believe in the vows we took, and don't believe marriage is disposable. "For better or worse" means something. Plus, we have teenagers.

[Anonymous]

Wrt the chores. My his ad doesn't see things either. But he absolutely helps when asked. I give him 2-3 things to do each day and he does them. Have you tried that?

The sex/affection thing is way harder to overcome.

[Cassiopeia]

Anonymous wrote:The reason we're still married is that we believe in the vows we took, and don't believe marriage is disposable. "For better or worse" means something. Plus, we have teenagers.

I don't disagree with your desire to uphold your commitment. But I do want to point out that contracts are broken all the time. It results in a lawsuit, there's an argument, a disposition and then the matter is over. The question really is how much of your personal happiness are you willing to give up in order to stick to the terms of an agreement you made 20 years ago? I agree with the pp, that is all a therapist can help you with, figuring out how to be happy given the current state of affairs and assuming your husband will never change from his current behavior.

And I don't know what your home life is like, but if you're fighting all the time all you're teaching your teenagers is that marriage is misery and there's no way out. Sorry to sound harsh but it's true.

[Anonymous]

At this point it's very possible, maybe even likely, that he is who he is, and you are who you are as a couple, and things won't change. So individual therapy can help you come to terms with that and either accept it and cope with it, or leave the relationship.

[Anonymous]

The first complaint about not seeing house and kids is a fairly common complaint. A therapist should be able to help. Hopefully with all of it.

[Anonymous]

Therapy completey helped my DH and me work out our issues around chores. Our home is now a much more peaceful place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Therapy completey helped my DH and me work out our issues around chores. Our home is now a much more peaceful place.

OP here. Can you provide details on what type of therapy and how it worked? Thanks.

[Anonymous]

I fwel you OP. My partner is the same with regards to emotional intimacy and physical affection. From verbal attraction to cuddling to sex, he just doesn't do any of it spontaneously. Seven years together and a baby a year ago - I am depressed at the thought of staying, and feel horribly that I didn't get out before we had a child. "Working" on it just means that I make him feel bad about who he is. I'm tired of arguing and would give up now if it weren't for our child.

[Anonymous]

So PP how do you cope? Vent to friends? Cuddle the baby and/or pets?

[Anonymous]

Not coping at the moment. Parent is gravely ill and it's all I can do to focus on that situation and my baby. I imagine that once my parent has passed and I get a handle on work and motherhood, I will start really trying to figure out an exit strategy that does the least possible damage to everyone. In the meantime I pray that he takes me seriously with regards to counseling. I do love him and believe he loves me, but the thought of living without affection and a healthy sex life for the rest of my days is pretty grim. He has avoided couples therapy through benign neglect, wants things to work, but doesn't really know how to make that happen on his own. I don't think my anger and frustration will be good for our child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At this point it's very possible, maybe even likely, that he is who he is, and you are who you are as a couple, and things won't change. So individual therapy can help you come to terms with that and either accept it and cope with it, or leave the relationship.

Yes, this. ^^^^^^^^^^^

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So PP how do you cope? Vent to friends? Cuddle the baby and/or pets?

In NW DC, you do not vent to the friends. Suck it up. Stop eating and enjoy being thin and mean. Go to the gym. Have more wine. And some ADs.

And no, I"m not kidding. This is it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not coping at the moment. Parent is gravely ill and it's all I can do to focus on that situation and my baby. I imagine that once my parent has passed and I get a handle on work and motherhood, I will start really trying to figure out an exit strategy that does the least possible damage to everyone. In the meantime I pray that he takes me seriously with regards to counseling. I do love him and believe he loves me, but the thought of living without affection and a healthy sex life for the rest of my days is pretty grim. He has avoided couples therapy through benign neglect, wants things to work, but doesn't really know how to make that happen on his own. I don't think my anger and frustration will be good for our child.

Yes, this would probably be the best ending for you. Please make sure it's a decent divorce, though, and he doesn't get very angry along the way. It doesn't sound like he will, but only you know for sure.