I'm getting bored being a SAHM

[Anonymous]

I'm a SAHM to one child, age 12 months. I've been staying at home since she was born. I love being with her but I'm starting to think that being a full-time SAHM really isn't for me. My spouse works 12 hour days and I am starting to feel drained and exhausted all the time.

I was doing fine until she turned 7 months, when things started becoming much more difficult. That's when she stopped sleeping through the night, due to teething and separation anxiety, she started crawling, so she was all over the place and my days at home started becoming much more exhausting, and when she only wanted to crawl all the time, so taking her out to the activities we had previously been doing (lots of stroller walks, lunch, trips to the mall) started becoming difficult.

I started to become bored with our routine, and started feeling like maybe being a SAHM really wasn't for me. I try to do an activity out of the house at least 4 to 5 times a week, usually with other moms.

I joined a few mom's groups when she was 4 months old, but everyone I met was a working mom on maternity leave, and while I made a few acquaintances, I didn't make any real friends, and when they all went back to their jobs they had no time to get together anymore.

We have no family here and it is hard. I feel exhausted all the time. Spouse works very long hours and it's hard to get a break.

I'm starting to think about the idea of going back to work but really the best thing for our family is for me to stay home. This is because spouse has a travel intensive job, we have no family here, and both of us appreciate not having any stresses or anxieties about childcare with me at home.

The other issue is that I did not like my last job, which I resigned from, and am not really that enthusiastic about my previous career field. The idea of going back to work in that field not only doesn't make financial sense (very low paying field), but I also didn't really enjoy the work. So if I did go back to work it would probably be a new career. I was only making 40,000 in my last job.

I'm not really sure what to do. I am starting to feel drained and exhausted every day. I don't have anyone I can talk to about this. I've tried talking to my husband but he likes our situation, since he can work and "have it all" and doesn't want me to go back to work.

Any advice?

[Anonymous]

Spring for a Mother's Helper a few mornings a week. You can be in the house with her, but you can get things done like laundry or vacuuming in peace. Or, you can use that time to just shower and read a book in your room. Just a few hours of 'me' time is good for the soul. And I would keep on joining Mom's groups, adult conversaton with people in the same boat makes a big difference. Once your child has preschool a few mornings a week when she is 3 or 4, you'll have time to find a hobby just for yourself, but until then, hang in there!

[Anonymous]

Get a job. This will not make you happy long term. And encourage your spouse to get a more family friendly job once you're working. It's his child too - not just your responsibility.

[Anonymous]

SAHM Mom here... sort of.

After 10 years of staying at home, all 4 of my children are now in school. Like you, I did not want to go back to my previous career, so what did I do? I started my own business. It is, in many ways, much harder than working for someone else, however, I can be there for my kids AND work on my own stuff all at the same time. It really is the best of both worlds.

Good luck to you!

[Anonymous]

Can you join a gym with childcare? Also keep trying to meet cool moms.

[Anonymous]

There are SAHM out there with whom you could spend time. If you have a neighborhood listserve, start up a playgroup with other SAHM in your neighborhood. Once your child starts walking, and later on talking, things will become even more fun. And I agree with the advice about hiring a mother's helper.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are SAHM out there with whom you could spend time. If you have a neighborhood listserve, start up a playgroup with other SAHM in your neighborhood. Once your child starts walking, and later on talking, things will become even more fun. And I agree with the advice about hiring a mother's helper.

+1000

[Anonymous]

You definitely need a job. Even if it's just a part time job. You need to be contributing to your own sense of self and competence in a way that SAH is not doing for you. You sound a little depressed, and that isn't going to get better in a dead end situation such as the one you describe.

Even if the only job you can get just pays for daycare, it will help you on a path to feeling productive, will help you meet some people, and allow you to build new skills for whatever new field you want to get into.

[Anonymous]

SAHM here. Completely agree about getting a mother's helper or a sitter. It really helps to get a break. Keep trying to meet other moms because having someone to talk to who is also in your situation is so important. I feel for you because I remember how lonely and exhausting it can be. Get out of the house as often as you can and find a gym or rec center with childcare. These little things can make a difference. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Maybe start looking for an opportunity a job somewhere with a flexible schedule. Making a contribution outside the home can really be rewarding.

[Anonymous]

I was a stay at home mom who recently went back to work full time. Life is now so crazy busy and exhausting, I would go back to being home in a second if I had the option.

[Anonymous]

I was a SAHM for years but now that my youngest in school all day I am back at work. Being a SAHM is boring and isolating. I could never find friends I liked. Most of my friends work. Also I got a job in a slightly different field. I hated the hours in my previous jobs and the work wasn't as interesting so I changed careers. I picked one that honored my previous work experience but was a new sub field. Not knowing what you do, you might want to look at a subtle shift in careers?

[Anonymous]

It might be a phase. You are adjusting to an active child and you lost your friends who went back to work after maternity leave.

I can't say what's right for you, but I can say that things will change. You will start making new friends, and your baby's activity will turn into lots of fun experiences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was a stay at home mom who recently went back to work full time. Life is now so crazy busy and exhausting, I would go back to being home in a second if I had the option.

Me too! I realize it's hard when you are in the thick of it. But man, do I miss being home. After being home for a few years, I'm back in the cubicle full-time.

I worry about me or my kids getting sick because as a new employee, I have to prove myself and can't afford to take time off. Can't chaperone the field trips or work the book fairs like I used to do. Our house is a mess. I am EXHAUSTED when I come home and have to run out for modeling clay for the landforms project, or more juice boxes, or I have to stay up and help with homework/projects all night. Working full-time and raising kids SUCKS. I'll take your lack of personal fulfillment and gym time any day.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I wanted to add that we just hired a mother's helper for several hours per week. I am planning to have her come on the days my husband travels. I think this will help and we may also increase the hours if I find it is working out well.

The friends thing is really hard for me. I did work really hard at meeting new people and trying to make mom friends, but like I said most of them were on maternity leave and have gone back to work and now have no time to get together. I continue to go to mom's groups and meet new moms, but when I try to nurture the relationship outside of the group, such as inviting moms to do a playgroup or get together for lunch, my emails are ignored. So clearly they are not interested. Our neighborhood is mainly full of old people--we chose the wrong neighborhood to buy a house in. No moms listserv and very few kids.

I feel like I'm starting to get depressed from the isolation and loneliness.

I have decided to make a few changes in the next month or so. #1: hiring the mother's helper. #2: signing up for a class with my baby--I think seeing the same people at the same time each week will perhaps facilitate making friendships a little more than the moms groups, #3: doing some professional volunteer work in my field at an organization during my husband's flex days each month. Since he works weekends he has a few random flex days each month where he is off, so I can volunteer then and work on getting some recent skills on my resume and maybe this could turn into a part-time job, #4: take a break from trying to make new mom friends. It's been exhausting, depressing, and I am sad that it hasn't resulted in any friends, and I need a break, #5: find a therapist who I can talk to about these issues.

Any other thoughts for me?