How to get inlaws to say what they really think?

[Anonymous]

DH's family is very nice, but never, ever says what they're really thinking. For instance we just moved and DH really wants a certain family heirloom for the wall in his new office (it's in their storage room). If it was my family, we'd just ask and if they didn't want to give it, they'd say no. His family will say yes no matter what, even if they don't want us to have it, but then they'll harbor bad feelings. This happens ALL the time. I feel like I haven't ever been able to get to know them because they're so guarded in what they say (and it's been 7 years!). DH is even somewhat like this around them too. For years he really wanted his grandpa's WWII uniform to frame and hang. His mom donated it to charity and he couldn't even speak up when it was leaving. He still talks about that WWII uniform all the time and what it would have meant to him.

DH and I are always running into this issue and would like some pointers. I've let DH take the lead on this, but there's just so much that's unsaid. When I ask if they like something, they say always say "Yes". It just comes off as fake and insincere and I know that they're not like that. When I ask what I can bring for family holidays they say "oh you don't need to bring anything."

[Anonymous]

My wife's family is like this. You have to change the way you communicate. Emphasize the parts that are important to you. I think of it like communicating with a toddler. You give them a set of acceptable choices.

For example, when dealing with family holidays, you say "I'd like to bring something for the meal. Would you prefer a side dish or a dessert?" When there is something you want, like the WWII uniform, you say "If you are not going to keep this item for yourselves, we would love to have it for our home." This says that if they want to keep it, they can, but if they are planning on giving it away, you'd like it to come to you. For gifts, get them gift cards for places they shop and try to keep an eye out for new acquisitions (especially from the place they shopped) to get ideas for what they'd like. If you can't figure it out, keep with the gift cards or let your husband do the gift shopping.

You cannot make people who are indirect communicators into direct communicators. You can only adapt how you communicate with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You cannot make people who are indirect communicators into direct communicators. You can only adapt how you communicate with them.

I don't know that that's true. I have changed the way DH communicates by 180 degrees. I'm a very open person and over time he's come to appreciate that and has opened up immensely.

[Anonymous]

OP - I find it very odd that your husband is so reluctant to speak up to his parents, that he would let them donate his grandfather's WW2 uniform.

What happens when you speak up in this family - do people get shouted down or just shunned?

My inlaws are similar to this, in that they constanly say (to any meal/event suggestions "Oh, we're easy!" - they never complain to your face b/c they don't want to "seem" difficult. Only later does it come out they hated the dinner/event or whatever it was and will repeat it over and over again and ruin the night for everyone else. Three years after my wedding I found out that my FIL was throwing up after eating medium rare steak at our wedding dinner, b/c he felt so insecure sending it back and just ate it. I asked why he didn't send it back, they said he didn't want to cause any "bother".

The one way I get them to say what they feel is doing the same thing PP said, talk to them and explain what you need and why. Sometimes that makes them open up and not just say "yes" automatically.