Nice girl meets nice guy finally?
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Anonymous
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I will openly admit that I am too nice. In the past I gave people chances that were not good people. I've had two long-term relationships of 5 years each. The first guy cheated on me for 2 of the 5 years. The second guy was abusive and eventually was arrested for assaulting me. I don't serially date, in between those relationships I was single for many years. I don't mind being alone. So after casually dating many men I found one that doesn't have the red flags from my past relationships.
His story is very similar to mine. We both wondered aloud why we have had such horrible past dating experiences. Is there something about being a nice person that attracts troubled people? Have you had a similar experience then finally found another nice person? |
Anonymous
| Don't confuse nice with letting people walk all over you. I know nice people who are able to say no. |
Anonymous
Ok, thanks? |
Anonymous
Pp actually has a good point. There is a difference between being nice and being nice and a doormat. I suspect you have a bit of the doormat in you coupled with some self esteem issues. Learning how to get past that will allow you to be nice but not tAken advantage of. |
Anonymous
I'm not a doormat, in both cases I left the relationship. |
Anonymous
| I'm like you and I did finally meet a nice guy. We have been happy together for ten years. I do think people who are jerks are drawn to nice people and manipulate them. I finally got to the point where I carefully scrutinized any potential boyfriends. I did finally find a good one. Hope you did too! |
Anonymous
| It is easier to take advantage of some people more than other people. You may be nice (I believe you!) but that's not why you stayed in those awful relationships so long. I don't know what the reason is, but that wasn't it. All I want to say is....just be careful before you assume your nice guy is nice. Perhaps you don't know him well enough yet. I'm assuming you thought those other guys were nice at first too. Maybe he is! Just don't rush. Let him show you his niceness over time, rather than tell you about it. |
Anonymous
Thanks for your story PP! Was there anything that was different about your husband early on? Did it take time for you to trust that he was actually nice? |
Anonymous
NP - ok, but in 10 years worth of relationship, you were cheated on for 20% of the time and physically abused. No doubt you are indeed no doormat for having gotten out of those bad relationships. But there may be something as to why you were in them in the first place if there were signs you missed or somewhat obvious things you didn't pick up but which led to your abuse. |
Anonymous
Agreed, thank you PP. The last two people I was with were very good at hiding secrets. |
Anonymous
Absolutely and I know the red flags of an abuser all too well now. The person I'm currently with is definitely not an abuser based on my past experience. |
Anonymous
Me too (well, not ten years but...). I had a couple of serious and abusive relationships in my 20s, shunned dating for many years, and then met my "nice guy." I had enough time between the bad relationships and him that I wasn't worried about making the same mistakes I had when I was younger, though there was some anxiety early on. I solved that by introducing him to everyone - friends, parents, siblings - remembering that when I was younger I ignored my family and friends when they complained about my BFs; everyone loved him and I felt confident moving forward and falling head over heels in love. The key for me was taking enough time by myself to feel very confident when I reentered the world of dating and to take things slow. I didn't reveal bad histories for several months (I didn't want to trade horror stories as a way of bonding and trick myself into thinking we had a better connection than we actually did) and generally took my time revealing insecurities and vulnerabilities. Good luck! |
Anonymous
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I finally met a really nice guy and I have a similar backstory but mine was an exH who went from being emotionally abusive to physically abusive. During my divorce, I decided to work on myself and figuring out why I married such a horrible person.
Turns out my mom has NPD. That's why I fell for another Narc..b.c being treated like that felt "normal" to me. Most Narcs seem charming and nice in the beginning. I can spot them from a mile away now. So please if you have any doubts, see a good therapist. Just to clarify issues and make sure you don't end up in the same type of situation. |
Anonymous
NP here. I spent my college years and first half of my 20s dating guys I should have cut things off with a lot faster. After some counseling, I realized that what led me down this road was the fact that I was raised by two people who care too much about what others think, doubted themselves and put the feelings of others first in the spirit of being people. Bad combination. As a result, I spent my teens and 20s being too nice, and always striving to present myself as a good, polite girl who never wanted to hurt anyone's feelings, who considered the safest, most harmless route and most important, who saw things through. And if things, went wrong-- it wasn't the situation or the other people, it was ME. I needed to question MYSELF more and find out why I screwed something up and wanted to be a quitter. My parents weren't people who extracted themselves from unhappy situations often, either, which I guess can teach a child to eventually stay in bad relationships. I had little to no experience in the world of dating when college came around. I wanted to be liked by guys and whenever someone came around who seemed to like me, I considered myself fortunate. HE was the prize, I wasn't. And yeah, that caused me a lot of heartache in addition to wasted time and energy. Surprisingly, I passed up guys who were actually nice guys for silly, superficial, immature reasons like they weren't super-attractive or had other little quirks that weren't totally intolerable (as if I didn't have my own quirks). This outlook culminated in my spending a few months (thank God it ended up being only a few months) with a bone fide womanizer. He was extremely handsome, charming, said I love you all the time, wanted to get married, etc... turned out he was a cheater and had not only cheated on me but cheated on his wife and also lied to his friends. He was all about himself and what was best for him. He lived the quintessential life of dishonor. I was his perfect victim. The "nice" girl who questioned herself all the time and was lucky to be with such a handsome, dashing man (really a sociopath?). I too eventually found and married someone who is also a "nice" person. It's not even that after all these years we've found "nice" people-- nice really means nothing, I've learned. It's not specific enough. It's more about finding a kind, loving person genuinely cares about you and isn't in the relationship to take advantage and do harm. So yeah, in my case, troubled guys looked for a willing spirit, an easy "nice" target. Maybe it's something they just see in your face or sense about you. It's like when a thief looks for someone to mug-- they want someone who doesn't look like they'll be trouble, who won't attract negative attention, who will do anything to avoid confrontation and just give them their wallet. They don't want the woman moving fast in a good pair of boots who looks like she's ready to put up a fight and might even pull a gun. |
Anonymous
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I do think fundamentally that bad people prey on nice people because they tend to come off as vulnerable as well as easy targets.
Sad, but true. |