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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I will openly admit that I am too nice. In the past I gave people chances that were not good people. I've had two long-term relationships of 5 years each. The first guy cheated on me for 2 of the 5 years. The second guy was abusive and eventually was arrested for assaulting me. I don't serially date, in between those relationships I was single for many years. I don't mind being alone. So after casually dating many men I found one that doesn't have the red flags from my past relationships.

His story is very similar to mine. We both wondered aloud why we have had such horrible past dating experiences.

Is there something about being a nice person that attracts troubled people? Have you had a similar experience then finally found another nice person?[/quote]

NP here. I spent my college years and first half of my 20s dating guys I should have cut things off with a lot faster. After some counseling, I realized that what led me down this road was the fact that I was raised by two people who care too much about what others think, doubted themselves and put the feelings of others first in the spirit of being people. Bad combination. As a result, I spent my teens and 20s being too nice, and always striving to present myself as a good, polite girl who never wanted to hurt anyone's feelings, who considered the safest, most harmless route and most important, who saw things through. And if things, went wrong-- it wasn't the situation or the other people, it was ME. I needed to question MYSELF more and find out why I screwed something up and wanted to be a quitter. My parents weren't people who extracted themselves from unhappy situations often, either, which I guess can teach a child to eventually stay in bad relationships.

I had little to no experience in the world of dating when college came around. I wanted to be liked by guys and whenever someone came around who seemed to like me, I considered myself fortunate. HE was the prize, I wasn't. And yeah, that caused me a lot of heartache in addition to wasted time and energy. Surprisingly, I passed up guys who were actually nice guys for silly, superficial, immature reasons like they weren't super-attractive or had other little quirks that weren't totally intolerable (as if I didn't have my own quirks). This outlook culminated in my spending a few months (thank God it ended up being only a few months) with a bone fide womanizer. He was extremely handsome, charming, said I love you all the time, wanted to get married, etc... turned out he was a cheater and had not only cheated on me but cheated on his wife and also lied to his friends. He was all about himself and what was best for him. He lived the quintessential life of dishonor. I was his perfect victim. The "nice" girl who questioned herself all the time and was lucky to be with such a handsome, dashing man (really a sociopath?).

I too eventually found and married someone who is also a "nice" person. It's not even that after all these years we've found "nice" people-- nice really means nothing, I've learned. It's not specific enough. It's more about finding a kind, loving person genuinely cares about you and isn't in the relationship to take advantage and do harm.

So yeah, in my case, troubled guys looked for a willing spirit, an easy "nice" target. Maybe it's something they just see in your face or sense about you. It's like when a thief looks for someone to mug-- they want someone who doesn't look like they'll be trouble, who won't attract negative attention, who will do anything to avoid confrontation and just give them their wallet. They don't want the woman moving fast in a good pair of boots who looks like she's ready to put up a fight and might even pull a gun. [/quote]

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