For those who have a parent living with them, how do you handle socializing at home?
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Anonymous
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I have a question about socializing at home if you have a parent living with you. DH's 74-year-old father may be moving in with us. One of our main ways of socializing is to have people over for dinner, mainly one or two couples at a time, sometimes with all the kids as well and sometimes just the grownups with no kids. I'm wondering how FIL's arrival will affect how we entertain people at home. Since he's a member of the family, do we just assume his presence for all social events at the house? It seems like it might put a cramp on our ability to have people over, (do *you* want to hang out with other people's elderly parents on a regular basis??) but I also want to be sensitive to his feelings. DH is from another country, and there things are often more multigenerational than they are here. FIL is friendly and likes to talk, but...he likes to talk and hold forth, and he is a little moody and passive-aggressive if he feels he is not getting his due respect and not being listed to or paid sufficient attention.
Corollary question: every few months, DH's boss, wife, and a couple other co-workers come over for a somewhat elaborate wine and dinner party. There's lots of drinking, the boss can get a little rowdy (loud jokes, cursing, occasional bawdiness, etc.), everyone relaxes a lot and eats a lot. It's very social, but it's also the boss. If FIL lives with us, it would totally change the vibe of the gathering to have him sitting at the table. In short, the boss would not enjoy it as much (nor would DH and I, but put that aside) and there would be a pall of constraint over the evening. What do we do? Do we have the dinner party and explain to FIL why he's not invited and needs to stay in his room for most of the time?? Do we include him once and then it'l be awkward and never repeated? Do we just give up having the dinner parties? Sorry this is long. Just looking for other people's experiences in dealing with socializing at home while a parent lives with you. Thanks! |
Anonymous
| This is a really interesting question, OP, and I don't have an answer but just want to ask, does your DH have siblings around that you can coordinate with (so DH goes to their house to dinner once in a while etc?) |
Anonymous
| Hi, PP. That's a good question. No, the only sibling DH has lives on the west coast, and there's no other family around with whom FIL could spend time. |
Anonymous
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I think it depends on the FIL.
Most FILs' would not want to participate in a social gathering where he was out of place. If there was another room where he could watch TV, etc that would probably work. I would introduce the FIL to company and then let him keep himself entertained. If there is another person of his generation from his country who could be invited to keep him company that would probably make for a more enjoyable time for him than being with your friends. |
Anonymous
| It depends on your FIL. We had my MIL here for 6 months before a nursing home. We basically had to stop all activities in our home as she'd get very annoyed, so more more friends dinners to play dates. (but, she had dementia and was very demanding, to put it mildly) |
Anonymous
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My coworker has a mother in law who lives with them. She has a room with small kitchenette in the basement and disappears most of the time on weekends.
My mother in law would probably do the same if she lives with us; or understand the need to give us our space. Much harder if your FIl is just in a room in the house though and there isn't a separate downstaits he can hang out in. |
Anonymous
| My mom's been here a year. No play dates or dinner parties. It totally sucks. She stays in her own room, but I hate the feeling that she's holed up in her room while everyone else is laughing and generally enjoying themselves. |
Anonymous
| This is really a timely post for me! My MIL comes over every weekend, and pretty much tries to run my house. I don't invite people over anymore. She's very rude to my kid's friends. I think she thinks she's helping me. Her own daughter has the same problem with her during the week. |
Anonymous
This is my mil when she visits. She rearranges furniture and tries to shop for decorations for the house. I can't stand her. |
Anonymous
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What I have observed is that my friend's elderly parents also have their own schedule that they do not want to deviate from.
They usually come down from their rooms and socialize for some time and then go back to their own room, because they are watching some TV program or it is their sleep time. I have not seen any of my friends cut back on their socializing because their elderly parents live with them. |
Anonymous
Wtf? |
Anonymous
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OP. Thanks for the responses so far. (PPs with interfering MILs, that's crazy!! 20:53, why is she there every weekend?! Can't you tell her it's not a good time because you're having company? Ugh! My sympathies.)
FIL is pretty social, so he'd be happy to hang out. I can't imagine him enjoying the sound of people chatting, laughing, etc. while he's off in his own room in the basement (to make it worse, the guest room is right underneath the dining room). He doesn't have his own social scene here and is unlikely to develop one if he moves here, and we don't really know anyone his age and nationality that we could "friend set-up" with him. I guess it comes down to a choice between his feelings and our social life? |
Anonymous
np. Our furniture was left alone but when we were first married MIl would always bring tea towels, knick knacks, cookware, dishes, chairs. If we had used it all then our house would have been decorated according to MIL. Crazy. |
Anonymous
Wow no. This is a problem that hasn't even happened yet. You are just speculating on what is going to happen at the party. Invite your FIL and socialize as normal. They are all adults; you don't have to monitor the conversation. |
Anonymous
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You are adults and are inviting other adults to your house. Right?
At this point in your life, you are taking care of young kids and elderly parents. Everyone is in the same boat as you (or will be). You will be surprised to know that you are agonizing over something you should not agonize about. Provide a noise-proof space for your parent. A place that they can watch TV, keep their snacks, entertain, socialize, lounge etc. It helps if they have an ensuite bathroom. Introduce them to your friends IF your parent wants that. Usually parents return back to their room after socializing for a while. |