at my breaking point and ILs are about to visit

[Anonymous]

Renovating house, work and school are insane for me. I am already down to 4-5 hours sleep a night. Our house is a mess (renovating). ILs coming into town at the insistence of DH. I made him hire cleaners for tomorrow, but I won't be home much before them to put stuff away.

I don't think I can mentally or emotionally handle the passive aggressive comments and "suggestions" from MIL. I. Just. Can't. Not right now. Plus I'm going to have to work all weekend (which is kind of a blessing, but at the same time I"ll get the comments about not being here for DC and insinuations that I'm a bad mom).

DH thinks she walks on water. I would have him put stuff away, but honestly, he wouldn't know where to put it! To top it off, I have to bake a birthday cake - which I want to do! But now I have to hear all the comments from ILs. Ugh. Dreading the weekend.

[Anonymous]

I totally get it, OP. Hugs!!

[Anonymous]

Keep a running tab of the snarky comments (like, with hash marks) on a pad on the kitchen counter.

Or repeat any snarky comment back to her as a question:
"Is that what I usually serve for dinner?" "Does he always do that?" "Do I ever vacuum?"

If she wonders why you're doing that, just say, "I was wondering why anyone would ask that. Especially a guest."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Keep a running tab of the snarky comments (like, with hash marks) on a pad on the kitchen counter.

Or repeat any snarky comment back to her as a question:
"Is that what I usually serve for dinner?" "Does he always do that?" "Do I ever vacuum?"

If she wonders why you're doing that, just say, "I was wondering why anyone would ask that. Especially a guest."

Ooh, good one, PP. (I'm not OP but also deal with this sort of faux-innocent, passive aggressive questioning.) Throws it right back in their laps.

[Anonymous]

Honestly OP - it sounds like the biggest problem here is DH not having your back.

Since he insisted on having them come to visit is there a way he can ensure that you have some protected sleep time? Maybe he's in charge of b'fast, entertainment for Saturday morning, whatever... Figure out a way that you can get 6 hours of sleep and a couple of hours of baking/cake time so you feel a little more restored and able to cope.

And then prepare a list of ways to handle the inevitable inlaw crap. The good thing about knowing what you're facing is that it means you can prepare for it in advance.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Do you think the ways you're setting up your house or looking after your kid are wrong? If not, then don't worry about it. She's entitled to her opinion, even if it is different from your own. Just don't engage her in a discussion about this stuff. It's incredibly annoying, but it should only bother you if you think there's some truth in what she's saying.

[Anonymous]

"Honey, I am completely wiped and I still have to work this weekend, so I expect you to be in charge of entertaining your parents. I've had no time to do any of the preparation I usually do, and you're just going to have to deal with it since you were so insistent on them coming during such a busy time (Remember, I warned you this would be the case). I'll be working from x to y time on Saturday and y to z time Sunday. Would you prefer that I stay home and you guys do an outing or vice versa? I'll plan on joining you for dinner each day, whatever you figure out is fine. Love you!"

[Anonymous]

Put everything in a large trash bag and stash in your attic/basement/garage/trunk. Order a fancy birthday cake from a good bakery. It's only a weekend and everything will be better next week?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Put everything in a large trash bag and stash in your attic/basement/garage/trunk. Order a fancy birthday cake from a good bakery. It's only a weekend and everything will be better next week?

(A) What if some helpful person accidentally throws it out?
(B) Why go to this sort of effort to try to gratify someone who's just going to find fault anyway?

[Anonymous]

Do what you can realistically do, but after that let it be. It might set expectations lower and trust me, for the rest of your life, it is easier to live up or surpass low expectations.


MILs are human too. Mine is a perfectionist in her own house. I also try and impress her but it is like setting myself up for failure. Now, I just tell her, "Mom, I do not know how you do it - everything is perfect in your house. I do not have any talent for it" And she hurries to assure me that I am too busy and things will change when my kids are grown up.

You are responsible for only one thing - not to stress out and not to stress your spouse out. Laugh at your shortcomings and be warm to ILs. Deflect criticism by pointing out how you tried to prep for their visit by stashing stuff away.

Seriously, keeping a clean house requires lots of time and effort - everyday. If you can't do it - give your self a break.

[Anonymous]

When she makes a passive aggressive comment about your parenting say, "great! here you go!" Hand off the kids and take a nap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Honey, I am completely wiped and I still have to work this weekend, so I expect you to be in charge of entertaining your parents. I've had no time to do any of the preparation I usually do, and you're just going to have to deal with it since you were so insistent on them coming during such a busy time (Remember, I warned you this would be the case). I'll be working from x to y time on Saturday and y to z time Sunday. Would you prefer that I stay home and you guys do an outing or vice versa? I'll plan on joining you for dinner each day, whatever you figure out is fine. Love you!"

+1. OP, don't be a martyr. renovation, work and school, do what you can and share chores with your DH. he cannot put things away because he would not know where to put them? are you kidding me? he is presumably an adult like you, so he can do it exactly how you can do it. he may not know the first time if he has never done it before, he will learn fast. growing up I was a disorganized slob, not with a full time job and two little kids you bet I learned how to do things. my husband grew up with a stay at home mom in an old fashioned household (FIL working full time in an office, coming home and reading newspaper while MIL, who had watched 3 kids + other kids in in-home day care all day, would cater to the entire family, working basically the whole time), but he has been the one doing drop-offs and pick ups at daycare-school since the kids were babies, does laundry, clean up house, wash dished and so on. he is far from perfect but he works at home as much as I do and sometimes more, when I have to work weekends. instead of baking the cake, buy one and be done with it. and take advantage of your in-laws. tell them they are coming at the right time since you are both so overworked you can certainly use their help. since your MIL is so good (see her passive aggressive comments), she can step in and help, and show you how things are done. most of all, take out of your mind this martyr mentality that you need to make the impossible, work full time, go to school and still be this perfect 1950's housewife who greets husband and guests perfectly dressed, hair done, spotless house and dinner on the table.

[Anonymous]

Vodka. That's how I deal with my IL's. Plenty for them, a little for me. Everyone's happy.