Considering Divorce

[Anonymous]

I've recently come to the conclusion that my DH and I are not meant for each other. We have always looked good for each other on paper, but when it boils down to it there has never been any real chemistry or attraction (on my part). We are fairly good companions in life, though we share very little in common with the exception of our wonderful DD. He is a wonderful father, smart and attractive, successful in his field but when it comes to us he's just not for me and I don't think he ever was. The truth is I think I settled. We met after a time of tremendous drama in my love life and initially I welcomed the idea of playing it safe and opting for comfort over passion. Ten years later, I'm starting to doubt that decision, and it is killing me. We fight about relatively minor things, but I know he suspects my heart isn't really in the marriage. The only thing keeping me is DD.

Yes, there is someone else too. But, no, I would not leave just to be with this person (they are married too). However, the passion I've felt in the brief time I've known this person has made me think I'm missing out. I want true love. I've seen it in others. I know chemistry is fleeting but isn't it a sign that things won't work if the chemistry was never there to begin with?

The thought of hurting my spouse, whom I do love and care for, and breaking apart our family does eat me alive, but I can't imagine living a lie and avoiding finding true personal happiness. I know that seems selfish and I know people are going to judge me for this.

I don't think counseling will change the fundamentals, but I'd live advice.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, but this is selfish. Once you have kids you put them first, it sounds like you used him for his sperm and now you want to move on. If you had no passion for him and couldn't see being with him forever, why did you have a kid with him? But seriously, if he is a good father why wouldn't you want your daughter to see him everyday?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've recently come to the conclusion that my DH and I are not meant for each other. We have always looked good for each other on paper, but when it boils down to it there has never been any real chemistry or attraction (on my part). We are fairly good companions in life, though we share very little in common with the exception of our wonderful DD. He is a wonderful father, smart and attractive, successful in his field but when it comes to us he's just not for me and I don't think he ever was. The truth is I think I settled. We met after a time of tremendous drama in my love life and initially I welcomed the idea of playing it safe and opting for comfort over passion. Ten years later, I'm starting to doubt that decision, and it is killing me. We fight about relatively minor things, but I know he suspects my heart isn't really in the marriage. The only thing keeping me is DD.

Yes, there is someone else too. But, no, I would not leave just to be with this person (they are married too). However, the passion I've felt in the brief time I've known this person has made me think I'm missing out. I want true love. I've seen it in others. I know chemistry is fleeting but isn't it a sign that things won't work if the chemistry was never there to begin with?

The thought of hurting my spouse, whom I do love and care for, and breaking apart our family does eat me alive, but I can't imagine living a lie and avoiding finding true personal happiness. I know that seems selfish and I know people are going to judge me for this.

I don't think counseling will change the fundamentals, but I'd live advice.

I HATE when people use this as the reason to stay married to someone. Life is short and if you think you are your DH can parent your DD without hating each other and making life too difficult for her, then get divorced.

[Anonymous]

You never liked him but got pregnant? You think the grass is greener on the other side because you found a married man that is most likey just using you, be it emotionally, sexually, etc? You are right, counseling won't help. Leave your husband and leave your daughter. Go find "true love" by yourself. I hate how people can't make it work within their household but can do so with an outside man or woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You never liked him but got pregnant? You think the grass is greener on the other side because you found a married man that is most likey just using you, be it emotionally, sexually, etc? You are right, counseling won't help. Leave your husband and leave your daughter. Go find "true love" by yourself. I hate how people can't make it work within their household but can do so with an outside man or woman.

+1. It's easy to feel passion for someone whom you don't share bills, child rearing, or a bathroom with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You never liked him but got pregnant? You think the grass is greener on the other side because you found a married man that is most likey just using you, be it emotionally, sexually, etc? You are right, counseling won't help. Leave your husband and leave your daughter. Go find "true love" by yourself. I hate how people can't make it work within their household but can do so with an outside man or woman.

Never said I never liked him. I did (still do), which is why it is not easy to admit that while I love and care for this person, I'm not in love with them. I've been making it work, but it is a sad existence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But seriously, if he is a good father why wouldn't you want your daughter to see him everyday?

OP Here: I guess you now know why this is so excruciatingly hard for me to write. I appreciate your understanding (*sarcasm*).

[Anonymous]

Leave if you must, but not for someone else. You will lose your integrity, and your DD will eventually find out and lose respect for you. It will create a difficult family dynamic that will make her life difficult for decades.

Divorced parenting is a huge hassle and a grind for years and years. You will have no control over who your ex dates and how they treat your daughter. You will be splitting up time with your daughter, but also your future grandchildren-- I know it seems a long time away, but my own parents are really struggling with that aspect of their divorce. Divorce casts a long shadow.

There's no guarantee that you'll find chemistry and passion even if you do get divorced. Divorce is the price children pay for their parents' chance at happiness, and it's an even more painful burden to bear if the parents don't end up happy.

[Anonymous]

OP you are confusing excitement and passion for "true love."
They aren't the same. True love takes effort and complete giving of yourself. Grand passions flame out.

Get solo counseling...not couples! You need to figure some stuff out about yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Leave if you must, but not for someone else. You will lose your integrity, and your DD will eventually find out and lose respect for you. It will create a difficult family dynamic that will make her life difficult for decades.

Divorced parenting is a huge hassle and a grind for years and years. You will have no control over who your ex dates and how they treat your daughter. You will be splitting up time with your daughter, but also your future grandchildren-- I know it seems a long time away, but my own parents are really struggling with that aspect of their divorce. Divorce casts a long shadow.

There's no guarantee that you'll find chemistry and passion even if you do get divorced. Divorce is the price children pay for their parents' chance at happiness, and it's an even more painful burden to bear if the parents don't end up happy.

Would not leave for someone else. That's not the plan.

Appreciate what you are saying about the long shadow. Fear of that is what's keeping me here for now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you are confusing excitement and passion for "true love."
They aren't the same. True love takes effort and complete giving of yourself. Grand passions flame out.

Get solo counseling...not couples! You need to figure some stuff out about yourself.

OP again: No, I'm not. I know true love takes effort, and that all passion fades over time. But what if you've never felt a connection to begin with...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you are confusing excitement and passion for "true love."
They aren't the same. True love takes effort and complete giving of yourself. Grand passions flame out.

Get solo counseling...not couples! You need to figure some stuff out about yourself.

OP again: No, I'm not. I know true love takes effort, and that all passion fades over time. But what if you've never felt a connection to begin with...

Just go away. You are beyond annoying. Your husband puts up with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you are confusing excitement and passion for "true love."
They aren't the same. True love takes effort and complete giving of yourself. Grand passions flame out.

Get solo counseling...not couples! You need to figure some stuff out about yourself.

OP again: No, I'm not. I know true love takes effort, and that all passion fades over time. But what if you've never felt a connection to begin with...

Just go away. You are beyond annoying. Your husband puts up with you?

Nobody is forcing you to read this post, PP. Why don't you go away?

[Anonymous]

The whole time I was reading your 1st paragraph, I was thinking, "It sounds like she met someone else." And sure enough, came to the 2nd paragraph-- you did.

You sound like someone trying to rationalize a divorce because you met someone who is thrilling and new. Your complaints about your marriage read like you're trying to convince yourself you should leave.

I was in the same position 5 years ago. It's rough. Just make sure you're being honest with yourself. For starters, end the affair so you can see clearly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The whole time I was reading your 1st paragraph, I was thinking, "It sounds like she met someone else." And sure enough, came to the 2nd paragraph-- you did.

You sound like someone trying to rationalize a divorce because you met someone who is thrilling and new. Your complaints about your marriage read like you're trying to convince yourself you should leave.

I was in the same position 5 years ago. It's rough. Just make sure you're being honest with yourself. For starters, end the affair so you can see clearly.

Thanks for this, Op. The affair is ending (my choice). I do feel that it caused me to finally think about acting, but it did not cause me to feel this way. Ive felt this for a long time.