Considering Divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've recently come to the conclusion that my DH and I are not meant for each other. We have always looked good for each other on paper, but when it boils down to it there has never been any real chemistry or attraction (on my part). We are fairly good companions in life, though we share very little in common with the exception of our wonderful DD. He is a wonderful father, smart and attractive, successful in his field but when it comes to us he's just not for me and I don't think he ever was. The truth is I think I settled. We met after a time of tremendous drama in my love life and initially I welcomed the idea of playing it safe and opting for comfort over passion. Ten years later, I'm starting to doubt that decision, and it is killing me. We fight about relatively minor things, but I know he suspects my heart isn't really in the marriage. The only thing keeping me is DD.

Yes, there is someone else too. But, no, I would not leave just to be with this person (they are married too). However, the passion I've felt in the brief time I've known this person has made me think I'm missing out. I want true love. I've seen it in others. I know chemistry is fleeting but isn't it a sign that things won't work if the chemistry was never there to begin with?

The thought of hurting my spouse, whom I do love and care for, and breaking apart our family does eat me alive, but I can't imagine living a lie and avoiding finding true personal happiness. I know that seems selfish and I know people are going to judge me for this.

I don't think counseling will change the fundamentals, but I'd live advice.

In fairness, I think you made a mistake common to a lot of women. Women (typical of female mammals) naturally look for safety and companionship in a potential mate. The problem is that there is a very fine line between 'safety' and 'settling'. Many women make a decision because it is 'safe' and only come to regret it later on. As a guy, I have witnessed this so many times, including recently when a girl who I shared an insane connection with, decided against dating because she already felt 'safe' with a long time friend-turned lover that she was seeing at the time. FFWD couple months later, and she regrets the day she let me go. True happiness in life can only come from taking risks, and with affairs of the heart, no risk....no reward. 'Safe' is always boring and will fizz out inevitably.

The point I am making is that although you made a costly mistake, it is never too late to either correct your mistake, or live with it if you choose to. It is really your choice in what you want your story to be. Probably your DD will hate your for it, or probably she will love you for setting a precedent for happiness she can follow when she grows up and possibly makes the same mistake. We don't know, but it's your call. Hope this helps: http://www.ted.com/talks/ruth_chang_how_to_make_hard_choices?language=en

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

You should leave. Your husband sounds like a good guy and he deserves much better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you are confusing excitement and passion for "true love."
They aren't the same. True love takes effort and complete giving of yourself. Grand passions flame out.

Get solo counseling...not couples! You need to figure some stuff out about yourself.

OP again: No, I'm not. I know true love takes effort, and that all passion fades over time. But what if you've never felt a connection to begin with...

You didn't feel "in love" on your own wedding day?? If you actually thought you were settling on the day with the big white dress and flowers then why on earth did you do it?

Affairs play weird tricks on the mind. They make you forget what you had with your spouse. I hear this over and over from people who cheat emotionally or physically..."well we were never ever ever compatible/passionate/had a connection etc etc etc

Maybe you and your spouse could open up your marriage?

[Anonymous]

OP, you are trying to rationalize your feelings for the other man. Plenty of people marry without initial chemistry (think arranged marriages) and have happy lives together. Yes, you could have married somebody else but you didn't. Leaving now means tearing apart your family for your own selfishness.

But if you are going to cheat, leave first. I agree with PP, your DH deserves better.

[Anonymous]

op, you must be very emotional now having just ended an affair. You should have a cooling period before making another important (and bigger) decision.

[Anonymous]

To me your post reads like this: you had a bad relationship when you were younger then decided you wanted kids so you looked for a guy who would make a good father and provider. You find this poor guy and marry him even though you do not love him. You then use his sperm to get the kids you want and then have an affair. Now you want to divorce him. I hope he gets full custody.....

[Anonymous]

OP, you don't sound like you've done the work. Get into therapy and work on yourself. Anyone who thinks people are "meant to be" probably wasn't mature enough to marry in the first place, but it's too late for that. As for this passion, just so you know, that will fade. With ANYONE that you meet. Grow up and stop being such a romantic.

[Anonymous]

Sign. So many people do not have good reading skills.

[Anonymous]

IP is mental and will always blame her craziness on the other person

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sign. So many people do not have good reading skills.

Tell me about it...have you seen the "Explaining Attraction" thread? Sigh....

[Anonymous]

Personally, I could never divorce while there was another person involved. That's a distraction and an emotional pacifier that doesn't enable you to properly think through the process, the ramifications, the consequences. There's a "fun" thing that you are turning to when things in your marriage get tough. Divorce if you must BUT my advice is cut off contact with the affair partner, then middle your way through without the affair there to soften the blow. If you can come to grips with disrupting your family, divorcing, and forging a new path, THEN divorce... But you have to do all this alone. That's when you will know if you're strong enough or if it was the right decision. Doing it with an attractive option in the wings doesn't force you to do the hard work.

[Anonymous]

DH here: if you were my DW, and it sounds like I may be in a similar boat to yours, I would want you to be honest with me about your feelings and cut me loose. I suspect your DH is killing himself to try to make something happen with you and it will never work because it just isn't there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You never liked him but got pregnant? You think the grass is greener on the other side because you found a married man that is most likey just using you, be it emotionally, sexually, etc? You are right, counseling won't help. Leave your husband and leave your daughter. Go find "true love" by yourself. I hate how people can't make it work within their household but can do so with an outside man or woman.

Ditto. You suck OP. Cheaters don't deserve to find true happiness. You want us to feel sorry for you because you are selfish and a home wrecker? Grow up, loser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've recently come to the conclusion that my DH and I are not meant for each other. We have always looked good for each other on paper, but when it boils down to it there has never been any real chemistry or attraction (on my part). We are fairly good companions in life, though we share very little in common with the exception of our wonderful DD. He is a wonderful father, smart and attractive, successful in his field but when it comes to us he's just not for me and I don't think he ever was. The truth is I think I settled. We met after a time of tremendous drama in my love life and initially I welcomed the idea of playing it safe and opting for comfort over passion. Ten years later, I'm starting to doubt that decision, and it is killing me. We fight about relatively minor things, but I know he suspects my heart isn't really in the marriage. The only thing keeping me is DD.

Yes, there is someone else too. But, no, I would not leave just to be with this person (they are married too). However, the passion I've felt in the brief time I've known this person has made me think I'm missing out. I want true love. I've seen it in others. I know chemistry is fleeting but isn't it a sign that things won't work if the chemistry was never there to begin with?

The thought of hurting my spouse, whom I do love and care for, and breaking apart our family does eat me alive, but I can't imagine living a lie and avoiding finding true personal happiness. I know that seems selfish and I know people are going to judge me for this.

I don't think counseling will change the fundamentals, but I'd live advice.

In fairness, I think you made a mistake common to a lot of women. Women (typical of female mammals) naturally look for safety and companionship in a potential mate. The problem is that there is a very fine line between 'safety' and 'settling'. Many women make a decision because it is 'safe' and only come to regret it later on. As a guy, I have witnessed this so many times, including recently when a girl who I shared an insane connection with, decided against dating because she already felt 'safe' with a long time friend-turned lover that she was seeing at the time. FFWD couple months later, and she regrets the day she let me go. True happiness in life can only come from taking risks, and with affairs of the heart, no risk....no reward. 'Safe' is always boring and will fizz out inevitably.

The point I am making is that although you made a costly mistake, it is never too late to either correct your mistake, or live with it if you choose to. It is really your choice in what you want your story to be. Probably your DD will hate your for it, or probably she will love you for setting a precedent for happiness she can follow when she grows up and possibly makes the same mistake. We don't know, but it's your call. Hope this helps: http://www.ted.com/talks/ruth_chang_how_to_make_hard_choices?language=en

Good luck.

The precedent being, Mommy is selfish and fu$ks married men because she is bored?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To me your post reads like this: you had a bad relationship when you were younger then decided you wanted kids so you looked for a guy who would make a good father and provider. You find this poor guy and marry him even though you do not love him. You then use his sperm to get the kids you want and then have an affair. Now you want to divorce him. I hope he gets full custody.....

Yes, people should be granted custody just because they are poor schmucks.