My Mother is not interested in me

[Anonymous]

I am 40, married with no children (childless but not by choice). My sister (who has two small children) is my mother's favorite. While my husband and I are both middle class professionals, my sister and her husband are more successful financially. My sister is much more like my mother than I am-both are very extroverted and tend to be status seeking while I am an introvert and work in the human services field. Neither my mother or my sister has had mental health issues-I've struggled with depression and anxiety my entire life. My father lives out of state and has not really been a part of my sister or my live's since my parents divorced when we were kids. I have a decent relationship with my sister at this point-we are very different people but have come to accept one another plus I am close with her kids. Unfortunately, I can't say the same thing about my Mom.

My mother has no interest in me or my life and hasn't for a long time. I almost always have to be the one to initiate contact with her and if I don't we can go weeks without talking. I have tried multiple times as an adult to strengthen the relationship but haven't been successful. I have directly talked about my concerns with her but she becomes very dismissive and defensive and accuses me of imagining things. I have talked about this with my sister but as my sister has a much better relationship with my mother her experience is different-she understands where I am coming from but doesn't really have any suggestions as to how to handle it. My husband agrees with me about my mother-he also sees the lack of interest-so I know it's not just something I've imagined. I'm sure that some of the lack of interest is because I don't have children but I think some of it is because she doesn't really value me as a person. In spite of counseling (I'm not in it now but have been before), I have never really gotten to a place where I can accept that this is the way it is...it hurts and I wish I could change it. I get tired of having to fake that everything is okay at family gatherings. This is going to sound pathetic but when I hear that Bonnie Rait song "I Can't Make You Love Me" it makes me think of my Mom.

If anyone has any thoughts or suggestions I would greatly appreciate it. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like a lot of your thought process comes from a place of depression and being hurt. Very understandable. But it also sounds like you and your mom are very different people. It can be hard to work on that close relationship when your personalities just don't match (that's the story with my mom and me). You also may be projecting a bit about your sister. Your mom may love being a grandparent and will naturally gravitate towards whoever had the grandchildren.

My MIL is not so good with babies/little toddlers. It used to bother me that she seemed more involve with my older nephew. I finally brought it up and DH said that she didn't like babies that much. Now that DS is older, she's more involved.

Do you have any shared interests? Art, music , etc?

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry op.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry, OP.

My mother, the last of seven, was told by her mother that she was not a wanted child and that she was not loved. My mother was 8 at the time and this feeling of being unloved profoundly affected her whole outlook on life and stunted her emotional growth.

I urge you to seek medical treatment for your depression and therapy for your issues with your mother. You need both to strengthen yourself so that you can be happy in your life.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, OP. I have a similar situation with my stepmother. My mom died when I was little, and my stepmother raised us. She is closer to my sister, who married a wealthy doctor. While both of us have children, my step is always crowing about how wonderful my sister's family is, bragging about her kids, their travels, etc. Even my kids have noticed the favoritism, although I deny it in front of them because I feel like I should.

Unfortunately, I think you just need to accept that your mother has limitations, and one of them is that she is unable to demonstrate her love for you in the way that you crave. It doesn't sound like there's really anything to do to change that. You just need to find it in your heart to forgive her. I would not bring it up with her again, since it doesn't sound like that has worked well.

Meanwhile, you need to fight the jealousy you feel toward your sister. This isn't her fault--as you said, she naturally has a personality and lifestyle closer to your mom's, so the relationship seems easier. Eventually, when your mom is gone, your relationship with your sister and her children will remain, so be careful not to damage it.

Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

I think you should go to therapy to get help with making peace that your mom is not going to give you the relationship you want. You. Need to immerse yourself in that mourning.

I don't have a genuine relationship with my mother either and it sucks. I find I need to mourn it repeatedly as things come up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should go to therapy to get help with making peace that your mom is not going to give you the relationship you want. You. Need to immerse yourself in that mourning.

I don't have a genuine relationship with my mother either and it sucks. I find I need to mourn it repeatedly as things come up.

Same here. It is hard. I have found some "mother figures" - neighbors, and from church. Not the same of course but it helps. there might be a mother out there looking for a daughter, who knows maybe you will find each other. It is sad about you and your mother but might be easier to make peace with it rather than try to change it. This is coming from someone who has given up fwiw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am 40, married with no children (childless but not by choice). My sister (who has two small children) is my mother's favorite. While my husband and I are both middle class professionals, my sister and her husband are more successful financially. My sister is much more like my mother than I am-both are very extroverted and tend to be status seeking while I am an introvert and work in the human services field. Neither my mother or my sister has had mental health issues-I've struggled with depression and anxiety my entire life. My father lives out of state and has not really been a part of my sister or my live's since my parents divorced when we were kids. I have a decent relationship with my sister at this point-we are very different people but have come to accept one another plus I am close with her kids. Unfortunately, I can't say the same thing about my Mom.

My mother has no interest in me or my life and hasn't for a long time. I almost always have to be the one to initiate contact with her and if I don't we can go weeks without talking. I have tried multiple times as an adult to strengthen the relationship but haven't been successful. I have directly talked about my concerns with her but she becomes very dismissive and defensive and accuses me of imagining things. I have talked about this with my sister but as my sister has a much better relationship with my mother her experience is different-she understands where I am coming from but doesn't really have any suggestions as to how to handle it. My husband agrees with me about my mother-he also sees the lack of interest-so I know it's not just something I've imagined. I'm sure that some of the lack of interest is because I don't have children but I think some of it is because she doesn't really value me as a person. In spite of counseling (I'm not in it now but have been before), I have never really gotten to a place where I can accept that this is the way it is...it hurts and I wish I could change it. I get tired of having to fake that everything is okay at family gatherings. This is going to sound pathetic but when I hear that Bonnie Rait song "I Can't Make You Love Me" it makes me think of my Mom.

If anyone has any thoughts or suggestions I would greatly appreciate it. Thanks.

OP, I highly suspect your mother and sister both have mental health issues. They're just different from yours. Your mother in particular sounds like she's pretty screwed up. Maybe it would be easier to accept your mother's behavior if you could acknowledge to yourself that you're not the only one in this family who has struggled with mental health problems.

I'm sorry you didn't get the mother you deserve. And I know it's hard to let go of the possibility that she could be different. It will be painful but once you get through it, you'll feel better. Good luck, OP!

[Anonymous]

OP here-thanks for all of the thoughtful responses-I appreciate them. Yes, I agree-it's not my sister's fault and I don't want to damage the relationship that I have with her. I need to find a way to make peace with the situation-it is what it is and it's not going to change. My Mom isn't a nasty person and I can be around her at family occasions and talk about superficial things and it's fine-I guess I have to learn to be satisfied with that. The relationship will never be what I would like it to be and I have to find a way to accept it. I think she loves me in her way even though it doesn't feel like it at times-I have a tough time understanding how you can be so disinterested in your own child but my Mom has always been self involved.

Yes, I agree that I need to get some help with my depression. I've been off medication for awhile because I've been trying to get pregnant but it's getting to the point where I need to accept that I have to get back on it.

[Anonymous]

NP here. OP, it will be more difficult when you have children, because you will not have the "normal grandmother" that you think other people have.

It was difficult for me because I have a similar situation as you. My sister is spoiled, has no children, but somehow, she can do no wrong. I face the same on the IL's side with my MIL. MIL has her own issues, some of which has to do with issues actually mentioned here (MIL was the last of a huge family of girls, also not wanted, not useful or needed, etc.)

Pont is, MIL and my mother's issues existed LONG before I came along - same with you. Remember that. You can not and should not bear their burdens, seriously.

[Anonymous]

Pont = point

[Anonymous]

Dr. Phil says you teach people how to test you. I would not be calling your mom. She will get the picture at some point.

[Anonymous]

Can you back away and see and talk to her less? Try therapy again and deal with the grief you are feeling. It sounds like you are in a strange triangle with a golden child. You've said your mother is very self involved. You might want to check out http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/.

Hugs to you op.

[Anonymous]

Post 09/21/2014 22:35 Subject: My Mother is not interested in me

Dr. Phil says you teach people how to test you. I would not be calling your mom. She will get the picture at some point.

What does this expression mean? I don't get it.

[Anonymous]

Not the PP but I think it was a typo: should be "teach people how to treat you." Which I agree with to a point, but some people learn faster than others.

Thank 14:43 has the right idea.