My Mother is not interested in me

[Anonymous]

OP my mother wants to have a claim on us for when she has nothing better. She expects us to wait around on holidays and if she doesn't get a better offer, we are supposed to include her. She has friends my age through wives of people my dad used to work with or daughters of friends of hers who passed away. She will prattle on endlessly about how amazing and perfect these people are. They are basically the daughters she wish she had. The ironic thing is, these people also have a lot of qualities she finds unacceptable so if they were actually her daughter, they would have been subjected to verbal abuse.

I have learned to accept my mother is superficial, self-absorbed and extremely limited. It is easiest to have a light and superficial relationship with her where we still to topics like the weather. When she goes on and on about how amazing these pretend daughters of hers are, I just say "I am so glad you got to chat on the phone with her...or meet her for lunch." I used to feel so hurt that she could not appreciate me. Now I am just glad she has people to occupy her time so she doesn't spend every second obsessing about how I can never do enough for her.

[Anonymous]

Why do you need your mother’s approval at age 40? Cut the lose and move on.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry, OP. That must be so painful. Your mother is incredibly limited as a human being; it’s truly her loss, that she’s unable to connect with her own child, whether or not she can appreciate it. You sound like a very thoughtful, kind and self-reflective person, despite her.

[Anonymous]

This is a 2014 thread

[Anonymous]

OP look up dialectical behavioral therapy. Exercises like radical acceptance and dialecticals could really help you.

Your parent can love you even if you aren't their favorite child or their favorite person.

[Anonymous]

It is not uncommon for some mother to have no interest in a child or some specific children. MAY BE your KARMA attachment with her is ending in this life. LIVE HAPPILY TO THE FULLEST WITH YOUR FRIENDS AND OTHER RELATIVES WHO ARE INTERESTED IN YOU. Supreme brahma has given you life so that you acquire knowledge and find that brahma at some time.

[Anonymous]

I know this is an old thread, but I have a mother who behaved similarly, overly focused on one child, favoring one child, everything revolved around the child. Well, the chickens are finally coming home to roost with that one. She spent all her childraising years making sure things centered around my one sister and now sister expects it, and mom does not like being sidelined.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, OP. I have a similar situation with my stepmother. My mom died when I was little, and my stepmother raised us. She is closer to my sister, who married a wealthy doctor. While both of us have children, my step is always crowing about how wonderful my sister's family is, bragging about her kids, their travels, etc. Even my kids have noticed the favoritism, although I deny it in front of them because I feel like I should.

Unfortunately, I think you just need to accept that your mother has limitations, and one of them is that she is unable to demonstrate her love for you in the way that you crave. It doesn't sound like there's really anything to do to change that. You just need to find it in your heart to forgive her. I would not bring it up with her again, since it doesn't sound like that has worked well.

Meanwhile, you need to fight the jealousy you feel toward your sister. This isn't her fault--as you said, she naturally has a personality and lifestyle closer to your mom's, so the relationship seems easier. Eventually, when your mom is gone, your relationship with your sister and her children will remain, so be careful not to damage it.

Good luck, OP.

I’m sorry that you are in this situation. I would suggest that you not deny the favoritism that your kids have noticed. Don’t gaslight them like that. Acknowledge it and assure them that it has nothing to do with them personally and that you love them and think they are great. My aunt clearly favored my brother when we were growing up and my parents just recently confirmed what I had been saying for years. It felt much better to have them acknowledge that my perception was correct.

[Anonymous]

OP I can relate, except I have kids (one with special needs) and my mother is superficial, yet I yearned for it. My mother though always played favorites and made the scapegoat. The thing is she wants more of a relationship with me than I want with her. In old age she wants me to be her personal assistant. Unlike your sister, mom's Golden child struggles with relationships, and always has some drama or problem and mom wants me to listen to how princess is suffering and fix it. I had pneumonia once and almost hospitalized. I sounded like death when I spoke. She could care less. My sister had it a recovered quickly (pre-covid) and my mom was overcome with worry and empathy and wanted to talk about it every chance she got.

Therapy has helped me accept and detach and have boundaries (which she stomps on, but I keep), but I do find I am fine for a while and something big triggers me. So, something to keep in mind if you get help....it helps, but waves come that I have to process. In my case though, I had to accept there was a lot of emotional and verbal abuse my whole life that I pretended like never happened.

I do agree with finding mother figures elsewhere and I have. I also am kind to myself and was fortunate to create a nice family of people who are good to me.

I just wish I could tell you all your sadness about it will go away. For me, it got better, but the triggers are hard.

[Anonymous]

I just tell myself that when my mother gets too old to care for herself, it won't be me giving any sh!ts.

[Anonymous]

It’s easier to like some people than others. Sad but true

[Anonymous]

My married girlfriend does not have a mother. Her MIL prefered her own daughter's kids instead of my friends. My friend befriended an elderly couple and they became the surrogate grandparents for her children. Of course, now the MIL is furious because my friend is always inviting the older couple for everything and gives them the attention during family events that normally is bestowed to the grandparents. The older couple have become doting guardians to her kids.

It is interesting and fun to watch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am 40, married with no children (childless but not by choice). My sister (who has two small children) is my mother's favorite. While my husband and I are both middle class professionals, my sister and her husband are more successful financially. My sister is much more like my mother than I am-both are very extroverted and tend to be status seeking while I am an introvert and work in the human services field. Neither my mother or my sister has had mental health issues-I've struggled with depression and anxiety my entire life. My father lives out of state and has not really been a part of my sister or my live's since my parents divorced when we were kids. I have a decent relationship with my sister at this point-we are very different people but have come to accept one another plus I am close with her kids. Unfortunately, I can't say the same thing about my Mom.

My mother has no interest in me or my life and hasn't for a long time. I almost always have to be the one to initiate contact with her and if I don't we can go weeks without talking. I have tried multiple times as an adult to strengthen the relationship but haven't been successful. I have directly talked about my concerns with her but she becomes very dismissive and defensive and accuses me of imagining things. I have talked about this with my sister but as my sister has a much better relationship with my mother her experience is different-she understands where I am coming from but doesn't really have any suggestions as to how to handle it. My husband agrees with me about my mother-he also sees the lack of interest-so I know it's not just something I've imagined. I'm sure that some of the lack of interest is because I don't have children but I think some of it is because she doesn't really value me as a person. In spite of counseling (I'm not in it now but have been before), I have never really gotten to a place where I can accept that this is the way it is...it hurts and I wish I could change it. I get tired of having to fake that everything is okay at family gatherings. This is going to sound pathetic but when I hear that Bonnie Rait song "I Can't Make You Love Me" it makes me think of my Mom.

If anyone has any thoughts or suggestions I would greatly appreciate it. Thanks.

OP, I highly suspect your mother and sister both have mental health issues. They're just different from yours. Your mother in particular sounds like she's pretty screwed up. Maybe it would be easier to accept your mother's behavior if you could acknowledge to yourself that you're not the only one in this family who has struggled with mental health problems.

I'm sorry you didn't get the mother you deserve. And I know it's hard to let go of the possibility that she could be different. It will be painful but once you get through it, you'll feel better. Good luck, OP!

+1

Codependency, for one. They relate to each other's faults, transgressions and foibles. Maybe it is a party you want no part of, OP. Maybe it cuts deeper on their side than yours.

[Anonymous]

Op I could have written your post, I also have a mother who loves me but just doesn't seem to like me. We have different personalities and communication styles and we simply don't get along that easily. My sister on the other hand is exactly like her, has the grandchildren and its just easier for them to talk as they have more in common.

It took me years to accept that its not my fault, its not about me. It took years to accept that we will have a cordial superficial relationship and that there is no point in pushing for more. A warmer easier relationship is just not possible, I like you have tried so hard in the past to change things or make things easier and its not going to happen.

Mourn the relationship you wanted with your mother, accept that its not your fault or not that you aren't loveable and work on simply accepting the relationship as it is. Its really hard and I'm sorry you are going through this.

[Anonymous]

Get over it, OP. My mother beat me as a child because she said my severe stutter was shaming the family. But my mother is only 5 feet tall and the beatings stopped when I grew bigger than she was. Both my parents preferred my younger brother who never married as he is incapable of feeling love. My son is my mother’s only grandchild and she has no interest in him. Neither does my brother. My father has passed on. I only speak with my mother and brother when absolutely necessary regarding the family trust. My mother’s sleazy lawyer and I hate each other as he’s trying to get me disinherited. Many months go by without my speaking to my mother or my brother. Who cares? I don’t see any big deal here. GET OVER IT! Lead your own life!