Don't respect my father - and feel terrible
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Anonymous
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Don't pounce on me and call me horrible or a bad daughter - I know I am one.
My dad is the best man in the world. He has always been loving, generous, selfless, kind, sweet, eager to please, feminist, and devoted to his children. He really is the best man ever. The fact that he is highly socially awkward wouldn't bother me too much. But he also has almost no self-esteem. Just no self-esteem. I understand why (he was bullied a lot in school, was naturally sensitive and awkward, never had any luck with women, etc) and am not judging: he is an amazing person, I'm lucky to have him and I honestly do love him. I'd die for him. But anyone can bulldoze him. He's very smart an an academic superstar but he cows before the women in the family. He apologizes too much. He's nervous and wants to please. He wants his kids' approval, like he wants everyone's approval. How do you tell your own father he needs self-confidence without emasculating him by actually saying that? My mom is completely different but she has stuck by my dad because he is a good man and she loves him despite all of this. I love him too. But I don't respect. What do I do to repair this? It's awful to say that I don't respect my own dad, who is a good person. And I can't very well say, "Dad we need to do father-daughter therapy" because that would make him feel even more inadequate than he already does. Go easy on me! |
Anonymous
| You can just reflect back to him what you see, in a non-critical way. "Dad, you really don't see yourself the way we do. You're so wonderful and you don't seem to realize it at all". And no reason to feel guilty. It's obvious you love and care for your dad, and as an adult you see him clearly, and his flaws, and that's okay. |
Anonymous
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Thanks (I'm the OP). The sad thing is that because of his inferiority complex, I can't even bring myself to show affection or emotion towards him openly, because of his awkwardness.
And when I visit home and he does something insecure, like asking anxiously, "Can I cook this? Do you mind? Are you sure?" I almost snap, "It's your house! Don't ask for my permission! I'm your daughter! You don't have to ask me permission for anything!" Instead I just say nothing. The worst part is that my boyfriend of 6 months now is masculine, assertive, and very much knows his own mind, and as a result of his confidence, my behavior with him is very different. In the past I have always worried about my dad feeling inferior compared to my boyfriend, because in the past it was PAINFULLY OBVIOUS that he was. I thought I'd ask my mother to talk to him about seeing a therapist for it, because it will sound worse coming from his offspring. |
Anonymous
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typo
"In the past I have always worried about my dad feeling inferior compared to my boyfriends" |
Anonymous
| This is not your problem to fix. |
Anonymous
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He sounds like a great dad and a great guy. Who knows what happenned in his childhood to cause his insecurity but it sounds like he's too old and this is too ingrained to "fix."
I'd love a dad like that. 
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Anonymous
| Just love him and accept him how he is. |
Anonymous
+1 He sounds like a great guy. Perhaps you should ask yourself why you're so insistent that he needs to change. Love him for who he is and work on your own respect problem. |
Anonymous
You don't tell your father anything. He is too old to change. You don't have to respect him. There is nothing to repair. |
Anonymous
+1 My dad is a kind person at heart. But years of untreated depression turned into alchoholism and physical abuse of my mother. Be thankful for what you have, really, you have a lot more than many if not most people. I have no idea how I feel about my dad. Forget respect or love. I guess, I just feel sorry things turned out the way they did for him. I am sorry for the part that was not his fault, but I can't excuse the part that was his choice. |
Anonymous
| You're looking for problems, OP. Leave your Dad alone. He probably already knows his own faults. |
Anonymous
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I agree that your dad sounds awesome and that you are lucky to have him. I'm not sure how old you are, but at 42, my relationship with my parents has changed quite a bit. Having been through some things in life, I now see my parents' faults, their great characteristics, and also see some dysfunction in our family that I was oblivious to growing up.
But my parents are together, my dad is successful, and the older they get, the crazier they get. Seen that with most of my friends as well. Whatever was there driving us crazy 10 years ago, is magnified now. Given how many health scares my parents have had in the past several years...I'm determined to be grateful for what I have, even those things that I'd rather change in an ideal world. It is not your job to point out your father's faults. If he was diagnosed with a disorder, that's one thing. But he seems to be functioning just fine in the world. Let it be. |
Anonymous
Your post makes me really sad. I'm a lot like your dad. I'm not socially awkward, but I am highly non-confrontational. I hate confrontation. It has been a problem for me. Any stress or confrontation makes me have stomach problems. I think it's a personality disorder. I cannot be assertive and all, have a hard time making decisions, and all I think about is pleasing people. I have been like this for as long as I can remember. As a child, all my parents had to do was raise their voice with me and I would do whatever they would tell me because I couldn't bear to have conflict with them. When I was a teen and was kidnapped and raped, all I did was try to please my attacker. i cannot fight with my husband, I just try to please, even when I know it's not my fault, even when I know he's being crazy with his demands. I don't really have any advice to offer. I've done counseling, but nothing has really helped. I just wanted to say that if your father is truly non-confrontational personality, it's not something he can readily change. It's deeply embedded. It really makes me sad to think that maybe someday my son with feel the way about me that you feel about your father. Not trying to be harsh to you, as I understand why you feel that way, it just makes me truly sad. I wish I could be different, and I'm sure your father wishes he could be too. Please try to be good to your father, and realize that this is likely something he can't change. |
Anonymous
| I'm the first PP and I agree with PPs that there's nothing to be done. Your dad isn't inferior to your BF just because he seems less confident and assertive. That's where you need to reframe your thinking. If you are young and uncertain and have your own insecurities then I understand that what you observe in your dad might touch a nerve in you but as you age and experience more of life I imagine you will grow to better understand and accept your dad for who he is, and value his good qualities. It sounds like he is loving and kind and that is more important than anything. |