Husband staying with me because of the kids?!

[Anonymous]

I don't even know what to ask, but hopefully this anonymous forum will at least she d some light on my predicament from other perspectives. Have any DWs/DHs said/heard the whole "if it weren't for the kids, I would be gone" statement? What happened? Did anything change?

Here's our situation: Been together for 8 years, married had babies (2) 7 months ago. We've argued from time to time, more than I'd like; before we got married, each of decided to end the relationship a couple of times...and we ended up getting back together. Though outside of the arguments, we have gotten along very well, we both are aware that we don't have a lot in common, and probably aren't the best match. As a result, we argue; about political issues, music, lifestyles, etc. So we've stopped talking much about topics on which we disagree. But both of us have felt that we love each other, and overall enjoy each other's company, so we're better off together.

Until...During the course of an argument today, DH said that if it weren't for the kids, he would be ending our relationship and leaving. He says there is too much drama (our arguments) and he has had enough. But for the kids, he will hang in there.

Honestly, I don't know what he meant by this. I feel like it's some kind of threat that he will leave, but I don't get it...and I don't really deal in threats to do xyz; I just go for it. Does that mean he will just stay married to me for appearances' sake, since we have kids? But behind doors he will just want to be roommates? I asked him what he meant, and he didn't explain. He just wanted me to know that he's staying because of the kids.

And of course, he added that he loves me...he would just be ending things if it weren't for the babies. Huh???

[Anonymous]

Can you give examples of the arguments you have and why those issues are important enough to argue about?

My husband and I argued a lot early on. Those arguments were mostly fueled by insecurity about various things - our relationship, money, work, etc. We are well matched though - interested in the same stuff, on the same page about lifestyle, etc.

[Anonymous]

My husband felt the same way about his ex--too much drama--and stayed for about 10 years. When he began to have physical symptoms due to the stress of being married to a drama queen, he "left" one day after a big fight in which she suggested he leave. I say "left" because he physically stayed long enough to find a place to live, let the kids know he was leaving, etc, but he finally checked out mentally/emotionally on that date. He just wanted some peace in his life, according to him. FYI, he "tried" up until that day, then it became a roommate situation.

[Anonymous]

1. little kids are really really hard on marriages. if you stick it out you will hit a better stride soon
what are you doing arguing about music etc?
agree to stop the darn arguing. just don't do it. it's pointless unless you are arguing about say him forgetting to use a car seat or he wants to leave the baby alone in the car.

your marriage will be better if you learn to just be independent people. let him go out and you go out with a friend for a break.

again, stop arguing though. if you are that type of person, you won't match with anyone. you'll keep looking until you might find a doormat that will just agree.

and I get arguing is a two way street, but just don't engage. move on and let him do what he wants. next time, you do what you want.

[Anonymous]

7 month old twins put a lot of stress on the marriage. Are they sleeping through the night yet?

[Anonymous]

OP, it really doesn't sound from your description that you should have ever been married to each other in the first place. Then, you decided to have kids together. So yes, I get what he's saying. Did you actually think that having kids would make your marriage better?

Yes, I totally get what your DH is saying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:7 month old twins put a lot of stress on the marriage. Are they sleeping through the night yet?

Read the OP. It's a lot deeper than that.

[Anonymous]

How would we know what he means?

[Anonymous]

As a man I will tell you what he means. He'd rather stay unhappy with you and his family than face the unknown alone. However, if the unknown becomes known and turns out to be a better option, then he will seriously consider leaving. Translation: if another woman comes into his life, he might leave but as of now, he doesn't have anyone else and isn't really looking.

Your DH probably values family and the commitment he made when getting married to you. This is a good sign but don't take it for granted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a man I will tell you what he means. He'd rather stay unhappy with you and his family than face the unknown alone. However, if the unknown becomes known and turns out to be a better option, then he will seriously consider leaving. Translation: if another woman comes into his life, he might leave but as of now, he doesn't have anyone else and isn't really looking.

Your DH probably values family and the commitment he made when getting married to you. This is a good sign but don't take it for granted.

I was just going to say the same thing. I've been an OW a few times where the men had older kids and said they loved their wives but mostly they did not want to leave their kids. They were actually really good fathers and husbands, except for, you know, the cheating. If men aren't happy but won't leave, they usually cheat. Just imho.

But Op, first off, stand back and take a breather for a minute. The first year after having your first child is easily the most stressful period in any marriage. And you guys had not one child, but two, at the same time. Just that fact alone statistically increases your chance for ending up in divorce.

And you were both already fighting a lot to begin with. However, by his words I would say he's reached a breaking point.

So, it's time for you two to fix things so that you're both happy. Figure out why you want to stay together and what you like about each other. Go to couples counseling. Your post went on and on about the arguments you have, but nothing about why you like him, why you're better off together. Focus on the positive things about each other.

You have two little people in the world now who are going to be looking to both of you as role models. You owe it to them to get yourselves figured out and happy. Whether it's staying together or getting divorced, do one or the other, but make sure you're both doing it because it makes you happy. Don't let a man stay with you "for the kids." That is a half life. It's not fair to you, or to him, or the kids.

[Anonymous]

I think he is saying he is close to the breaking point.

I think your saying you don't do threats you just go with it could be a slight clue to your personality - you're direct and to the point and take no BS kind of person?

Look ,as others have said, you're in the worst of it, times two. That first year is hard. HARD. What's key is to respect your partner and form a team. It sounds as if you are not a team. And he is reaching his breaking point.

I'd seriously evaluate where you are in this relationship. Do you want it to continue? If so, stop arguing over stuff that doesn't matter.

There's a saying - do you want to be right or be happy?

Let go some of being right over stupid stuff that doesn't matter and concentrate on being happy. What would being happy look like, feel like, for you?

Therapy might be the only way to get this back on track. Based on what you've written, I'm not sure you can step back and take a perspective on what is happening now and figure out how to get out of these destructive patterns. It would be hard for anyone to do so, but in the midst of infant twins nearly impossible.

Please consider therapy.

[Anonymous]

OP, your husband really want to leave/divorce you, period(speaking from the husband perspective)

I am on the same page, if wasn't for my daughter, I would have left 2 years ago. She doesn't cook nor clean, the only thing she does is helping the daughter to shower (daycare during daytime) Lots of drama, especially between her and my parents. If I met someone I like or there's opportunity comes, I will pull the trigger. I really don't want to come home with dirty dishes and clothes laying everywhere........and argue for some bs............

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a man I will tell you what he means. He'd rather stay unhappy with you and his family than face the unknown alone. However, if the unknown becomes known and turns out to be a better option, then he will seriously consider leaving. Translation: if another woman comes into his life, he might leave but as of now, he doesn't have anyone else and isn't really looking.

Your DH probably values family and the commitment he made when getting married to you. This is a good sign but don't take it for granted.

1000000000000000000000000000000000000000000% AGREE!

I was the guy that just posted my wife doesn't cook nor clean!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:7 month old twins put a lot of stress on the marriage. Are they sleeping through the night yet?

Read the OP. It's a lot deeper than that.

YOU read the OP.... he sounds like a drama queen... breaking up and getting back together multiple times.

OP... go to individual counseling and figure out why YOU are staying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a man I will tell you what he means. He'd rather stay unhappy with you and his family than face the unknown alone. However, if the unknown becomes known and turns out to be a better option, then he will seriously consider leaving. Translation: if another woman comes into his life, he might leave but as of now, he doesn't have anyone else and isn't really looking.

Your DH probably values family and the commitment he made when getting married to you. This is a good sign but don't take it for granted.

1000000000000000000000000000000000000000000% AGREE!

I was the guy that just posted my wife doesn't cook nor clean!

I will also add that he may have an affair and leave you only to find himself in the same situation... not happy, because he seems really high maintenance and never happy and always blaming others (ie, wife/kids).