Estranged father no longer estranged, unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

My father has unfortunately reentered our lives. Long story short: parents divorced, he moved out out state and disappeared from our lives for the last 10 years when he met his MUCH younger girlfriend, spent all of his money and our inheritance on her, he lost his job and is apparently broke now and she left him and married someone else nearly overnight. He moved back into state and has been a nuisance ever since. Texting my siblings and I how much hates his temp job, money complaints, asking if we can help him find work, move things at his house, etc. I feel sorry for him because he is old and sad and completely wasted his life away but I do not need the extra stress. More of a vent than anything. I don't have it in me to tell him to piss off but at the same time I am sick of hearing his whining and asking for favors. He acts like he is the only one in the world with problems. He has been so completely disconnected from our lives he has no clue what my siblings and I have been dealing with. Just not sure how to handle it.

[Anonymous]

Set appropriate boundaries. Be polite but firm.

[Anonymous]

What PP said.

[Anonymous]

When he texts asking for help text him back: "You disappeared from my life for 10 years. We no longer have the same relationship as before. I wish you well but I will not help you out."

[Anonymous]

Don't answer the phone when he calls. Ignore his texts/emails or write what PP said.

[Anonymous]

Thanks that's the approach I've taken so far. It's like we went from speaking once a year to this. It's so awkward.

[Anonymous]

Are you comfortable just completely cutting him off? If not, set boundaries, cut him off when he complains, practice being abrupt and saying "sounds rough but I can't help you" and do not give him any money or substantial assistance. He wasn't there for you; you do not owe him anything just because you are biologically connected.

[Anonymous]

It is inappropriate for him to expect anything from you. Tell him that.

Do you even want this contact from him?

Also, what do you mean he blew through your inheritance? His money isn't yours to count on other than child support he was to pay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is inappropriate for him to expect anything from you. Tell him that.

Do you even want this contact from him?

Also, what do you mean he blew through your inheritance? His money isn't yours to count on other than child support he was to pay.

Agree

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is inappropriate for him to expect anything from you. Tell him that.

Do you even want this contact from him?

Also, what do you mean he blew through your inheritance? His money isn't yours to count on other than child support he was to pay.

Agree

you don't think it's selfish that her dad wasted all of his money on his wife, vs. save some for his kids and grand kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is inappropriate for him to expect anything from you. Tell him that.

Do you even want this contact from him?

Also, what do you mean he blew through your inheritance? His money isn't yours to count on other than child support he was to pay.

Agree

you don't think it's selfish that her dad wasted all of his money on his wife, vs. save some for his kids and grand kids?

NP here but no, I don't. His money, his decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is inappropriate for him to expect anything from you. Tell him that.

Do you even want this contact from him?

Also, what do you mean he blew through your inheritance? His money isn't yours to count on other than child support he was to pay.

Agree

you don't think it's selfish that her dad wasted all of his money on his wife, vs. save some for his kids and grand kids?

NP here but no, I don't. His money, his decisions.

I think that is fine but her dad also can't whine about needing money to his dd after wasting it. That is pathetic. Sorry op. Maybe if you don't feel up to blowing him off completely you could say something like "please don't talk to me about money anymore"?

[Anonymous]

Sigh. My grandmother squandered her few million euros, then sued her children for support. Since they couldn't bear to see their mother on the street (however unlovable - she had done nothing for them), they cobbled together a much simpler but acceptable lifestyle for her.

I would consult with your siblings and agree on a plan. That way he doesn't get dribbles of random money from each of you. Everything has to be documented, no one gives more than they can afford, and he should know that there is a set amount every month and NOTHING beyond that. A business agreement, in fact. Leave the emotional stuff out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Sigh. My grandmother squandered her few million euros, then sued her children for support. Since they couldn't bear to see their mother on the street (however unlovable - she had done nothing for them), they cobbled together a much simpler but acceptable lifestyle for her.

I would consult with your siblings and agree on a plan. That way he doesn't get dribbles of random money from each of you. Everything has to be documented, no one gives more than they can afford, and he should know that there is a set amount every month and NOTHING beyond that. A business agreement, in fact. Leave the emotional stuff out of it.

I like this approach OP. OP you said that your father Has been away from the family for ten years. I am assuming that you are an adult. What was your father like before he disappeared ten years ago? Did he take care of you and your siblings and help you become productive adults? If so, remember that part of your father. Money he spent on his girlfriend was not yours. It was his. I would suggest keeping it simple and only give what you can. if you can't afford it, you can't afford it. He will survive on his social security.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father has unfortunately reentered our lives. Long story short: parents divorced, he moved out out state and disappeared from our lives for the last 10 years when he met his MUCH younger girlfriend, spent all of his money and our inheritance on her, he lost his job and is apparently broke now and she left him and married someone else nearly overnight. He moved back into state and has been a nuisance ever since. Texting my siblings and I how much hates his temp job, money complaints, asking if we can help him find work, move things at his house, etc. I feel sorry for him because he is old and sad and completely wasted his life away but I do not need the extra stress. More of a vent than anything. I don't have it in me to tell him to piss off but at the same time I am sick of hearing his whining and asking for favors. He acts like he is the only one in the world with problems. He has been so completely disconnected from our lives he has no clue what my siblings and I have been dealing with. Just not sure how to handle it.

You don't have any inheritance while your parents are alive. Your parents have money, which is theirs. It is only your inheritance after they are dead, if they leave it to you.