Estranged father no longer estranged, unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

09/06/2014 18:23 Here

I can't fathom that posters here are suggesting that you and your siblings give a man who apparently was a dead beat dad money. He is an adult and you are not responsible for this man financially. Op and siblings would be taking money away from their children to support an adult who chose to make decisions that hurt his children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Sigh. My grandmother squandered her few million euros, then sued her children for support. Since they couldn't bear to see their mother on the street (however unlovable - she had done nothing for them), they cobbled together a much simpler but acceptable lifestyle for her.

I would consult with your siblings and agree on a plan. That way he doesn't get dribbles of random money from each of you. Everything has to be documented, no one gives more than they can afford, and he should know that there is a set amount every month and NOTHING beyond that. A business agreement, in fact. Leave the emotional stuff out of it.

I do NOT like this approach. OP's dad sounds selfish beyond belief and totally unconcerned with the impact of his "Now you see me... now you don't... now you do again 10 yrs later and I'm relentless with my neediness and whining and requests for money" has on his kids. This is unacceptable.

You and your siblings should get together (I like that part of PPs idea) and see how you are all doing with his re-entry into your lives and his requests. But beyond that and seeing if you have a common idea about how to draw and hold boundaries with him, OP you have to do what you have to do for YOUR sanity and your family.

At this point you owe your dad NOTHING. If there is a level of engagement and support to him that doesn't put you out, stress you out, or disrupt your life, great, maybe figure out how to be clear about that level and give it. But if it's stressful, brings up emotional and other issues that you don't need to add to your daily life, takes resources away that your family needs... or if you just plain don't want to be involved with him... you have EVERY right to just cut him off. Me, I would sit him down in person and explain it, but I understand most people might not want to and would just stop responding. Whatever works for you.

And please don't expect him to ever "get it". Even if you explain the boundaries and why you (and maybe your siblings) are setting them, he is unlikely to change and you shouldn't do it to get him to change. Just do it because it serves everyone better if you are clear about what and why. What he does with the information is his responsibility, although hopefully he will learn something from it.

Lastly, while I agree that his money was his money and it's not really legit to complain to him about him spending "your inheritance", it IS fair for you to point to his reckless/unwise financial decisions and be clear with him: that's on him. He wasted his money, he wasn't in your lives, he canNOT expect you guys to support him. At all.

Good luck OP, if you can please come back and tell us what approach you ended up taking and what happened. Sucky situation, wish you the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Sigh. My grandmother squandered her few million euros, then sued her children for support. Since they couldn't bear to see their mother on the street (however unlovable - she had done nothing for them), they cobbled together a much simpler but acceptable lifestyle for her.

I would consult with your siblings and agree on a plan. That way he doesn't get dribbles of random money from each of you. Everything has to be documented, no one gives more than they can afford, and he should know that there is a set amount every month and NOTHING beyond that. A business agreement, in fact. Leave the emotional stuff out of it.

I do NOT like this approach. OP's dad sounds selfish beyond belief and totally unconcerned with the impact of his "Now you see me... now you don't... now you do again 10 yrs later and I'm relentless with my neediness and whining and requests for money" has on his kids. This is unacceptable.

You and your siblings should get together (I like that part of PPs idea) and see how you are all doing with his re-entry into your lives and his requests. But beyond that and seeing if you have a common idea about how to draw and hold boundaries with him, OP you have to do what you have to do for YOUR sanity and your family.

At this point you owe your dad NOTHING. If there is a level of engagement and support to him that doesn't put you out, stress you out, or disrupt your life, great, maybe figure out how to be clear about that level and give it. But if it's stressful, brings up emotional and other issues that you don't need to add to your daily life, takes resources away that your family needs... or if you just plain don't want to be involved with him... you have EVERY right to just cut him off. Me, I would sit him down in person and explain it, but I understand most people might not want to and would just stop responding. Whatever works for you.

And please don't expect him to ever "get it". Even if you explain the boundaries and why you (and maybe your siblings) are setting them, he is unlikely to change and you shouldn't do it to get him to change. Just do it because it serves everyone better if you are clear about what and why. What he does with the information is his responsibility, although hopefully he will learn something from it.

Lastly, while I agree that his money was his money and it's not really legit to complain to him about him spending "your inheritance", it IS fair for you to point to his reckless/unwise financial decisions and be clear with him: that's on him. He wasted his money, he wasn't in your lives, he canNOT expect you guys to support him. At all.

Good luck OP, if you can please come back and tell us what approach you ended up taking and what happened. Sucky situation, wish you the best.

Yes yes yes to the bold. You don't owe him anything. If you're interested in him being in your life, then the best thing you can do is set healthy boundaries in order to attempt to establish a relationship. Supporting him financially would be enabling him. So would giving in to any guilt trips he might lay out. It sounds like you're cautious, so keep at it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Sigh. My grandmother squandered her few million euros, then sued her children for support. Since they couldn't bear to see their mother on the street (however unlovable - she had done nothing for them), they cobbled together a much simpler but acceptable lifestyle for her.

I would consult with your siblings and agree on a plan. That way he doesn't get dribbles of random money from each of you. Everything has to be documented, no one gives more than they can afford, and he should know that there is a set amount every month and NOTHING beyond that. A business agreement, in fact. Leave the emotional stuff out of it.

I do NOT like this approach. OP's dad sounds selfish beyond belief and totally unconcerned with the impact of his "Now you see me... now you don't... now you do again 10 yrs later and I'm relentless with my neediness and whining and requests for money" has on his kids. This is unacceptable.

+1

[Anonymous]

This is OP to update as I'm quite upset. My dad has gone quiet for the last few months except the occasional "anyone know where I can live because I can't afford my rent" type texts. Which we have ignored. Then I find out I'm pregnant with what seems a viable pregnancy after a string of mc's. I texted a group text (as a courtesy including him) a picture of the scan and letting sisters, mom and dad know everything was good. Radio silence from him. This irritated me but I didn't expect much more than that anyway. Then all of a sudden last night he sends this dramatic, long text about how his job is killing him and if anything happens to him here's his medicine allergies, etc. And if we were to get a call from his number to answer it. That he had fucked up his life and made mistakes blah blah blah (trust me we've heard this from him a million times). WTF? What does he want from us? Money so he can quit his job so he doesn't die and we can continue our wonderful father daughter relationship? I am so angry with him, he is so selfish and narcissistic, and really only thinks about himself. Two of his daughters are pregnant and he has 2 grandkids and not once has he ever asked about anything or anyone. Literally, not once. He only texts to complain about his life. Then my sister responded to the text kind of pointing that out and then he starts threatening suicide. I am just so over him. I really do not care if he killed himself because it would make zero difference in my life but I do not need this stress right now! Should this pregnancy make it, i do not even want my child to know him. I think now is the time I just cut him out and off completely. He is just a sad old man living the life we all predicted many years ago. Ok vent and update over.

[Anonymous]

OP, get a therapist. Seriously. Don't let this guy run you through the ringer emotionally like this. He isn't worth it. Get counseling, it will help.

[Anonymous]

If he's broke, WATCH IT. I mean it. Talk to a lawyer. Many states have filial support laws and a parent's creditors can sue YOU for HIS debts and make you support him. This has become a common scheme for grifter parents. In Maryland, MD. Code Ann. Fam. Law §§ 13-101 thru 13-109 (Support claims by destitute parent). In Virginia, VA. Code Ann. § 20-88 (Support of parents by children) -- this is especially bad -- Peyton v. Peyton, 8 Va. Cir. 531 (1978) (court makes son reimburse brother for mother’s past care expenses).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, get a therapist. Seriously. Don't let this guy run you through the ringer emotionally like this. He isn't worth it. Get counseling, it will help.

Maybe that's not a bad idea. Things were just so much better when he was gone, he wasn't even a thought in my mind. It was funny because at one point in the texts he said something to my sisters and I to the affect of "Just forget I ever existed and you came from nowhere." I'm thinking to myself, welcome to the last 10 years! But anyway. Maybe a few sessions wouldn't be a bad idea.

Also just to point out - DH and I do not have the money to help him even if we wanted to. I'm not being cruel just for the sake of it. My sister is very well off but I don't blame her for not helping him any more than she has - he still owes her $500 from the last time she dug him out of a hole.

[Anonymous]

Interesting. My father didn't leave but out lived my mother (who held everything together). After moms death dad did fine for a while then he began asking his kids for money instead of selling multiple properties he owned and wanted to leave for us kids. At the time my husband and I were just starting out and trying to save for a house. I sent him a little for a while but one day had to say no because we were trying to buy our first home. Didn't hear from my dad much after that phone call. He passed in '99 - no regrets here as I really did not have the means to financially support him. He eventually started liquidating.

[Anonymous]

If he can't even congratulate you on the pregnancy, I would take that as my cue to completely disengage. You don't need to be contacted solely as some kind of benefactor - because clearly you'd never get any "loans" back. You can block his number so you don't get his texts anymore. The PP brings up an alarming posibility - maybe consult a lawyer to protect your assets. If you can shift things in your husband's name, that might help.

[Anonymous]

OP,

Congratulations on your baby news! I'm sorry that your father sucks. I have two family members who are similar to what you describe. One, I limit contact with (fortunately he lives far away) but every conversation always goes back to how "hard" his life is (he has never made any effort to meet my kids). Two, the other one, will send dramatic texts like you describe. I ignore that one completely. I know it's not easy, but you need to concentrate on your current life. Don't let your father pull you in.