Sending a kid to bed without supper

[Anonymous]

We have 12 year old attitude here x 2. One daughter has been especially sarcastic and nasty with what she says and her tone of voice. We have sat her down for one on one discussions, explained hormones, tone of voice and respect. It continues. Tonight as I was fixing supper she mouthed off when I asked her for some help. I had several options:

1) slap her fresh face- I would never do that
2) yell at her- does little good. my yelling days are long past
3) let it slide and decide to talk to her later- done that too many times already
4) Take her nexxus away from her- we've tried that-no results so..
5) In a very calm voice I said "Go to your room this minute. You will not get any supper and I don't want to see you until the morning". She muttered something under her voice, rolled her eyes and went upstairs.
6)DH said I did the right thing and is upstairs talking to her now. Some wailing and gnashing of teeth about "not fair"

Missing a meal will not put her health in jeopardy. All she has up there are books and leggos. I don't care what she does but I'm hoping she will think about her sassy mouth.

For this situation and this child it is the right thing to do so I'm not asking if you think it is right or wrong. I'm just wondering if you have ever done it and if it made any difference.

[Anonymous]

I hate the word "supper". Like nails on a chalkboard.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you have allowed this type of behavior forever yet now expect her to comply.

It also sounds like she must be fat since you think it's okay not to feed her.

Congrats with the mess you made!

[Anonymous]

No have never done it. Don't believe food should be part of a punishment

[Anonymous]

I would (and have) done exactly the same thing. We do not allow our children to be disrespectful. Period.

[Anonymous]

Instead of working with her to improve her attitude, you've now given her a reason to hate you. I have a 12 yo DD and couldn't imagine a scenario where going to bed without dinner would occur.

[Anonymous]

Instead of judgment can anyone offer a suggestion?

[Anonymous]

I would not send a kid to bed without supper, unless supper had been offered to the kid and the kid had decided they didn't want that supper, they wanted something else to eat.

Perhaps instead of sending her to her room without any supper, you could have sent her to her room during supper, and then let her down to eat by herself -- since the attitude in company was the problem. Potentially also you could then have had a talk after she ate, when you and she were both calmer.

[Anonymous]

OP - I don't have a 12 yr old yet (mine are still in ES), but if my 12 yr old consistently behaved the way you described, I would've done the same, but, I don't think this one punishment will change anything.

My sister had a really rough time with her DD when she was in MS. She tried everything, too. She said in the end, by HS (yes, this lasted till then), she found speaking calmly to her and really listening to her DD helped. I think for some kids, if the parent loses it and starts yelling, it escalates things for the kid.

I do think consistent punishment is important. No parent should allow their kid to speak to them this way. But, as hard as it would be (I know for me it will be *really* hard), trying to stay calm, talking with the kid (not talking at her), and taking away privileges is the only thing I can think of that would help.

If your DD continues with this attitude, will you keep sending her to bed with no dinner?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would (and have) done exactly the same thing. We do not allow our children to be disrespectful. Period.

Completely agree.

[Anonymous]

In the situation you have described, I *probably* would have done exactly what you did, provided that I intended to follow up with DD in the morning by having a serious discussion about acceptable behavior and that the child in question did not already have an unhealthy or particularly emotionally-attached attitude about food.

I would think a few missed meals should be sufficient to curb "typical" tween mouthiness; it certainly worked on me growing up.

If you're worried that this will escalate into a power struggle where she continues her disrespect thus "forcing" you (in the name of consistency) to continue sending her to bed without supper, to the point that you're actually worried about it becoming unhealthy for her, maybe you could change the consequence slightly so that she must go to her room during the family meal but may come down later to make herself a sandwich before going directly back to her room/to bed for the night.

[Anonymous]

No snark intended but 12 year olds play with Leggos? Really?

[Anonymous]

I would have sent her up to her room for the night. However, after I cleaned up dinner and did my evening house duties (trash, laundry etc) I would of brought her up a plate of leftovers. I do think she should at least be offered food.

[Anonymous]

You do know that denying a child food is against the law. Daycares can not do that, you shouldn't either.

[Anonymous]

A parenting class about backtalk taught me a strategy that really did work. I would say, "I can't listen to you when you talk to me like that, I'm going to leave the room" and then remove yourself. Or.. "It wears me out to be talked to like that so I'm not up for making dinner, sorry. You guys will have to be on your own tonight.." The point is, don't let a power play happen. But instead of punishing try letting your daughter learn the natural consequences of being talked to in certain ways -- it doesn't get them what they want most, your attention.