Christmas Question

[Anonymous]

My in laws who live on the West Coast came last year for Christmas since I couldn't fly ( being 8 months pregnant) and had a toddler. They never came for the birth (my parents are gone), which was fine since we have loving friends who are like family to us who could watch the toddler. Once the baby was 5 months old, visited us on a business trip (free flight and hotel), and stayed for 2 days. They showed up late and left early. The entire time they were here they heavily hinted that it was now "our turn" to visit them. They want us to visit since they love the West Coast and find DC boring. They can easily afford both time and money to visit, but just don't like it here. As they left, they tried to extract a promise that we would go to them this time. Stupidly, I said in a nice but firm tone, 'I love seeing you guys, but since we have to pay for 3 tickets now, it is too expensive to fly to you every year. furthermore, it is MUCH easier for you to fly to us than for us to fly to you. I'm sorry, but for the next few years you need to visit us more. Once you're older, we can switch again." That did not go over well.

I do not think it is fair to have us fly there, and I do not think that visiting us for 2 days justifies a week-long visit to their house. Their house is full of breakable art which they don't put away, and they only pick activities that only THEY would enjoy. The last time we visited them was last year just before I had to stop flying (late 2013) for a week. It was horrible horrible horrible. My toddler cried every single day since my inlaws would plan these awful activities. I tried to help plan something, but they refused to let me have any input. They basically called my toddler stupid since he didn't appreciate the modern art museum, the hike on the freezing cold beach, the other art museum, etc.

Can anyone help my husband and I tell them nicely that they are invited to come here, but we are not going there until the kids are older? I was stupid to blurt that stuff out before (and of course I apologized profusely for my tone which honestly was fine), but they need to understand that it's not possible right now for us to see them.

FWIW, my husband doesn't want to visit them either, but REALLY wants a vacation. So essentially, we have to tell them, we have enough money for a vacation, but don't have enough time and money to see you AND have a vacation. We are picking a vacation. Sorry. Any thoughts on how to put this in nicer terms?

[Anonymous]

yes, hi how are you, hey wanted to let you know we are stayign back east for the holildays, do you want to look into flights and come vistit?

simple as that.

don't over think it

[Anonymous]

I really like what you told your inlaws 'I love seeing you guys, but since we have to pay for 3 tickets now, it is too expensive to fly to you every year. furthermore, it is MUCH easier for you to fly to us than for us to fly to you. I'm sorry, but for the next few years you need to visit us more. Once you're older, we can switch again." I don't think it was bitchy and I think it was just right. You stood up for yourself. If they don't like it, so be it.

I do think that once a year they should get a trip though. You have no other family to share holidays with. 3 plane tickets aren't that expensive once a year. Stand up for yourself again and tell them you need more kid friendly activities. Many old people don't know what that means, so spell it out for them. Tell them to toddler proof their home.

[Anonymous]

OP, there are other, easier choices here. Alternate who goes where for Xmas. When you guys go to CA, stay in a hotel. Plan some of your own activities when you're out there. Give a little.

[Anonymous]

If you are old enough to have two kids and a husband, you are old enough to choose your own vacations.

That said, your entire post reeks of disrespect and unwillingness to compromise with your in-laws. I would gibe some serious thought to what you bring to this relationship and how you treat these people who are now your *family.*

[Anonymous]

Agree. Don't get into details too much. We love you (despite my hormonal outburst last visit) but won't be able to come stay at your house until the kids are older. However you're welcome to visit us and we'd love to see you."

[Anonymous]

Thanks for all the advice!

This is how the planning process went last year.

"Hey Inlaws! I saw there is an amazing playground right by your house! Maybe we can take Toddler in the morning while you're getting ready!"

"Thanks for the suggestion, but I've planned the day already. It's a surprise."

"Um, great! You sure you don't want any help? I know how busy you are"

"No it's been decided."

Then the day is chockablock with bullshit like seeing the modern art museum, and then going to a fancy restaurant with no kids menu.

The last time they were here my husband interceded and they went to a playground. My MIL came back dramatically and said "NEVER AGAIN!!!" I asked why and she started on a litany of complaints that basically boiled down to the fact that she found the playground and my kids boring.

I really don't even know why they bother pretending like they want to see us so badly. I am wondering now as I type this if they know we don't want to see them, so they avoid a visit altogether?

OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, there are other, easier choices here. Alternate who goes where for Xmas. When you guys go to CA, stay in a hotel. Plan some of your own activities when you're out there. Give a little.

See the problem is that we can't give a little. It's either a vacation with my family, or Christmas with them. They have way more money and vacation time than we do, so if they came here, we could have a our first vacation since 2012. But if they make us go there, we can't afford anything else really, and will have a terrible time. I am sure that when they're older they will expect us to visit more since they'll be too frail to fly much.

OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I am wondering now as I type this if they know we don't want to see them, so they avoid a visit altogether?

OP

Yes, THIS. And given the way you treat them, I'd say that's pretty justified. Why don't you guys just split up for the holidays and see how it goes?

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP! I'm glad your DH is on your side and stick up for you and your kids. Maybe DH could just fly to see them by himself? Maybe they'll be better grandparents when your kids are older and they don't think they're boring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree. Don't get into details too much. We love you (despite my hormonal outburst last visit) but won't be able to come stay at your house until the kids are older. However you're welcome to visit us and we'd love to see you."

Yes, I think you're right.

[Anonymous]

I've told everybody: We want the kids to wake up in their own home for Christmas morning. Everyone is welcome to come stay with us, or stay in a hotel near by and come over!

PERIOD. It works, OP. It's a lifesaver! It's so logical--it's YOUR tree, decorated by the kids and you, and your presents, and your cookies and milk, and your fireplace that you can rig with balled up newspapers that will get crushed by Santa overnight as he steps out and into it. All the excitement is building, all month, IN YOUR HOUSE.

Now this means that no Christmas somewhere else. But you can always go somewhere on Christmas day or the 26th. Assuming they don't come your way, they don't exactly have to know about that...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I am wondering now as I type this if they know we don't want to see them, so they avoid a visit altogether?

OP

Yes, THIS. And given the way you treat them, I'd say that's pretty justified. Why don't you guys just split up for the holidays and see how it goes?

We have split up for the holidays many times. But they want to be around my kids since kids are so much fun at Christmas. And hormonal outburst aside, they love me and I love them. I am their daughter and they're my parents, especially since I don't have any. I know this isn't coming across, but I truly do love them so much and vice versa. They're just selfish and annoying, but I do love them so much.

OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've told everybody: We want the kids to wake up in their own home for Christmas morning. Everyone is welcome to come stay with us, or stay in a hotel near by and come over!

PERIOD. It works, OP. It's a lifesaver! It's so logical--it's YOUR tree, decorated by the kids and you, and your presents, and your cookies and milk, and your fireplace that you can rig with balled up newspapers that will get crushed by Santa overnight as he steps out and into it. All the excitement is building, all month, IN YOUR HOUSE.

Now this means that no Christmas somewhere else. But you can always go somewhere on Christmas day or the 26th. Assuming they don't come your way, they don't exactly have to know about that...

Haha you sound awesome. I think I might just do that. I do love my inlaws and wish they could participate, but seriously, I can't deal with another West Coast trip like we had last year. And I JUST WANT TO LIE ON A BEACH SOMEWHERE FOR A FEW DAYS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really like what you told your inlaws 'I love seeing you guys, but since we have to pay for 3 tickets now, it is too expensive to fly to you every year. furthermore, it is MUCH easier for you to fly to us than for us to fly to you. I'm sorry, but for the next few years you need to visit us more. Once you're older, we can switch again." I don't think it was bitchy and I think it was just right. You stood up for yourself. If they don't like it, so be it.

I do think that once a year they should get a trip though. You have no other family to share holidays with. 3 plane tickets aren't that expensive once a year. Stand up for yourself again and tell them you need more kid friendly activities. Many old people don't know what that means, so spell it out for them. Tell them to toddler proof their home.

I laughed at this. TODDLER PROOF YOUR HOME MORONS! LOVE YOU!