Christmas Question

[Anonymous]

1. Since our second child was born, we let everyone on both sides of the family know that we are doing Christmas in their own home and they are welcome to join us if they like.

2. We've never been to visit my dad and step mom because it's a horribly inconvenient trip with two small children. They are disappointed and often ask us to come, but I tell them it's just too hard right now and we will come some day when the kids are older. And I invite them to come to us.

3. Have your husband explain this to his own family. You stay out of the discussion with your in-laws from here on out.

[Anonymous]

How about "Hey MIL, we really want to spend time with you guys this year. We are so excited, we're planning a trip to (Fill in blank with place you guys want to go) and we are really hoping you and FIL can join us there for the week. I can send you all the information if you're interested - this way we can spend time together and also explore a great new spot!" Then, while you are there, plan some together days and some days apart.

[Anonymous]

We ALWAYS do xmas at home and we blame the kids - we say "the kids want to wake up and find that Santa visited our own house" - plus, there's no chance I am doing x-mas elsewhere and lugging all those presents to and from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:yes, hi how are you, hey wanted to let you know we are stayign back east for the holildays, do you want to look into flights and come vistit?

simple as that.

don't over think it

Perfect.

[Anonymous]

OP ~ what you said to them was completely reasonable. You and husband should be glad you said it since that is how you feel.

You are being silly to think you need to explain anything to them re: your vacation decisions. That is your business.

Some people are use to talking-and-talking until they get their way. Some people spend a lot of time thinking about "how to convince someone of something". Don't be that person. Decide what visiting schedule you can to. Could you go see them every 3 years? Whatever it is, whenever you do see them, be enthusiastic and make the best of it. Don't discuss and discuss and fret and explain.

[Anonymous]

I have inlaws with some very similar dynamics. Here is some of what has helped us:

- try to disengage the mindset that you're in a battle with them
- your husband handles the primary conversations with them (it's great that you're both on the same page, but they are HIS parents and won't find it as easy to engage in an adversarial mindset with him)
- tell and use the truth. "You know, w/ a toddler and an infant our lives are pretty dictated by what works for them right now - which is soft surfaces, playgrounds, a fairly fixed schedule, and a ton of extra gear. So coming to you is going to be tough for a while. I know that spending your time at playgrounds may not be the most exciting thing for you either. Maybe we can plan a family weekend together with a mix of things for everyone to enjoy?"
- separately, in a non tense moment, ask your mother in law how much travelling she did with her kids when they were babies. THis conversation REALLY made my MIL think about some of the expectations she had of us, versus what her reality was way back in the day.
- remember that they are older and they have blissfully forgotten what it's like to be in the weeds of caring for small kids.
- ask them to babysit both kids for a couple of hours - then see how eager they are to have you in their house for an extended period.

Mostly though, have your husband do the heavy lifting. Invite/include them as much as possible when it makes sense for you. Frame your "no's" in terms of the needs of the kids, not the absurdity of their request. Etc...

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

I my mother and grandmother never baby proofed their house and I Did not baby proof mine. We were taught how to behave. It is easy to understand why they don't want to spend time at your house and your brats. Good for them.

[Anonymous]

Can you go west, visit them for a day or two, and then do a vacation on the west coast? They sound horrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I my mother and grandmother never baby proofed their house and I Did not baby proof mine. We were taught how to behave. It is easy to understand why they don't want to spend time at your house and your brats. Good for them.

Give me a break!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I my mother and grandmother never baby proofed their house and I Did not baby proof mine. We were taught how to behave. It is easy to understand why they don't want to spend time at your house and your brats. Good for them.

Aaaand, apparently OP's in-laws post on DCUM!

OP, it's your time and money and the trip you describe sounds awful. Luckily for you, your DH is on the same page, so refuse to engage and just tell them you cannot make it to West Coast. What, are you worried they will get offended and remove their loving, child-friendly, and often-visiting selves from your lives?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I my mother and grandmother never baby proofed their house and I Did not baby proof mine. We were taught how to behave. It is easy to understand why they don't want to spend time at your house and your brats. Good for them.

Give me a break!

+1. My ILs have a big garden with an electric fence. Grandpa always, every day, forgets to turn off the electric fence. When my kids were toddlers some adult was always screaming "Stop her/him! The electric fence is on!" OMG. Then the kids would be back inside, and I guess he'd turn it back on. Then they'd go outside and the screaming would begin anew. ha ha

And btw, it's harder to control your kids when you are not in your own space. You are changing someone's diaper and before you know it, the other is running toward the electric fence. Or toddling towards the open dishwasher where the knives are pointed FACE-UP.

And don't give me or anyone else any crap about misbehaving kids, top PP. There is a particular age where they are harder to control. Or are you like OP's ILs and already too old to remember how hard it is?

They don't have to do a full-on baby proofing. How about getting the F'ng electric fence turned off, the table cloths off or put away the antiques on top of the table cloths, and maybe put the butcher's knives away? Minimal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I my mother and grandmother never baby proofed their house and I Did not baby proof mine. We were taught how to behave. It is easy to understand why they don't want to spend time at your house and your brats. Good for them.

Give me a break!

+1. My ILs have a big garden with an electric fence. Grandpa always, every day, forgets to turn off the electric fence. When my kids were toddlers some adult was always screaming "Stop her/him! The electric fence is on!" OMG. Then the kids would be back inside, and I guess he'd turn it back on. Then they'd go outside and the screaming would begin anew. ha ha

And btw, it's harder to control your kids when you are not in your own space. You are changing someone's diaper and before you know it, the other is running toward the electric fence. Or toddling towards the open dishwasher where the knives are pointed FACE-UP.

And don't give me or anyone else any crap about misbehaving kids, top PP. There is a particular age where they are harder to control. Or are you like OP's ILs and already too old to remember how hard it is?

They don't have to do a full-on baby proofing. How about getting the F'ng electric fence turned off, the table cloths off or put away the antiques on top of the table cloths, and maybe put the butcher's knives away? Minimal.

OP here. THANK YOU PP. My inlaws do the same thing with the knives pointing up. There is no teaching an 18 month old (when we last visited) to "behave".

Thanks for all the brilliant advice. I am just going to let my husband deal with it from here on out. I do love them dearly, but I really, really need a vacation.

[Anonymous]

Can you stay in a hotel near them? "Hey MIL, we're going to the water park in the morning. Would you like to join us at the diner for dinner?" "We are going to the children's museum after the nap and thought it would be fun to all go together" "Oh, you already planned on the art museum? DH will gladly join you while DS and I stop by the library"

Though, DH should do most of the talking...

[Anonymous]

Could they meet you on your preferred getaway vacation? And I'm not sure how much relaxing on a beach you get to do when you have a toddler.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you stay in a hotel near them? "Hey MIL, we're going to the water park in the morning. Would you like to join us at the diner for dinner?" "We are going to the children's museum after the nap and thought it would be fun to all go together" "Oh, you already planned on the art museum? DH will gladly join you while DS and I stop by the library"

Though, DH should do most of the talking...

Where they live hotels are extremely expensive. We would have to be about 30 minutes away for us to even get a basic hotel. Plus, they would be really, deeply insulted. We once did this when my SIL was married and their house was full. MIL and FIL were really upset, but we of course, thought we were doing them a favor. I had no idea it meant so much to them, but we didn't have any kids and thought that other people could use the house. IF I stayed in a hotel with their grandchildren, that would really upset them.

I think they're very image conscious, so they really like NEED us to be there as a group. But really, it's so unfair to the kids when they're forced into adult activities and made to feel as if they're boring everyone.