When to pull the plug?

[Anonymous]

So, I did not know where exactly to put this, but I think this is the best bet.

My oldest son is 25 years old. We paid for most of his college (he graduated in spring of 2013) in engineering at a decent school. He had an internship and had a decent GPA.

But since he graduated he has failed to find a job in his field. He is working at a minimum wage job that would not support him, so we allowed him to move back in around a year ago- with the premise that he was going to be here only until he got himself on his feet. We have a (now) high school senior who is looking at colleges and we don't have the room for him anymore, plus me and DH were looking forward to having an empty nest and relaxing.

Anyway, it has now been a year and it does not seem like DS is getting any closer to getting a good job. He is definitely applying, and going to the rare interview, but nothing has yet to come of it. We don't mind the expense of him living with us- both me and DH are in professional fields and we make plenty of money to support him- but I think both of us are ready for him to leave. We love him, but I don't want to spend my retirement supporting a grown adult and it is getting in the way of everyone's life.

My question is how long should I wait until kicking him out? I don't want to be mean, but I also think that a year should definitely be enough time for him to have gotten a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also think that a year should definitely be enough time for him to have gotten a job.

I think not, not under this economy and under this president. Many college graduates have had trouble finding jobs the last few years. You should wait it out until the next administration, when, hopefully, the economy will take off.

[Anonymous]

What do you mean you don't have the room anymore?

Is he looking for a job in other cities as well? If you want him to move out, give him a deadline of 6 months or something. I would personally let him stay until he'd found a job but I'd make sure he was actively looking and staying busy with worthwhile activities in the meantime.

[Anonymous]

Why did he graduate college at 24? Does that mean he have his masters? Or does it mean he took 6 years to graduate?

I'm really shocked at his inability to get a job. Engineers are still in high demand, especially in this area. I would suggest he try getting a job through his school's contacts.

[Anonymous]

Until your HS senior is gone, your oldest is not keeping you from having an empty nest. Looking ahead, you could let the graduate know a firm timeline. I know when my husband was first out of college - new to the DC area as a working professional but making very little money - he couch surfed, relying on the goodwill of friends and barely acquaintances. Really had no fixed address until a thru a friend-of-a-friend found a room in a shared house. It isn't pretty, but it's pretty common. Your DS can live somewhere. It just might be pretty sketch.

[Anonymous]

Are you charging him rent? If not, I'd start charging something, even if it's nominal. It will help him develop a sense of responsibility and good practices that might lead him to find his own place.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I can't imagine kicking one of my children out if they were actively looking for jobs and couldn't find one because of the economy. If he wasn't really trying to find a new job and was spending all day playing video games that would be a totally different story. In that case giving him a deadline and sticking to it might give him the kick he needs to find a job. In this case though it kind of seems like kicking him when he's down which is a pretty awful thing to do to your child just because you want the house to yourself.

[Anonymous]

Wow, I'm pretty shocked he's getting no bites as an engineering major. Normally, I'm all about advocating for parents of adult kids to be more hands-off, but if I were you I would ask him to share details about his job search. Is he really actively searching? Is he working with his college placement/career office? Is he networking? Is he setting up informational interviews? Should he consider relocating to where the jobs are?

As for his minimum wage work, that's ridiculous for an engineering major. At the very least, he could be a substitute teacher and make more. He should definitely be earning more than that with his educational credentials.

I would begin to charge him rent and set a firm date objective for when he should be moving out. You can quietly save his rent $ for him to use later for a down payment on his new place. He should be aiming for a housing situation with roommates, not thinking he can have his own place at his age.

But seriously, even with the economy the way it is, he's doing something wrong with his job search to be stuck liike that with his degree. Are you in the DC area?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I'm pretty shocked he's getting no bites as an engineering major. Normally, I'm all about advocating for parents of adult kids to be more hands-off, but if I were you I would ask him to share details about his job search. Is he really actively searching? Is he working with his college placement/career office? Is he networking? Is he setting up informational interviews? Should he consider relocating to where the jobs are?

As for his minimum wage work, that's ridiculous for an engineering major. At the very least, he could be a substitute teacher and make more. He should definitely be earning more than that with his educational credentials.

I would begin to charge him rent and set a firm date objective for when he should be moving out. You can quietly save his rent $ for him to use later for a down payment on his new place. He should be aiming for a housing situation with roommates, not thinking he can have his own place at his age.

But seriously, even with the economy the way it is, he's doing something wrong with his job search to be stuck liike that with his degree. Are you in the DC area?

Following up, as an engineering major he also should be able to make money tutoring in math...presuming that he has good math skills. That's big money, but he will need to hustle for clients. Does he have hustle? Maybe a firm move-out date will be a kick in the pants that he needs.

[Anonymous]

You could do a conditional extension. 3 more months without condition, but 6-9 if he opens up the cities and fields he's considering. My friends who were unemployed the longest insisted on staying in a particular region and a part I car field, so I would try to incentivize a broader approach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I can't imagine kicking one of my children out if they were actively looking for jobs and couldn't find one because of the economy. If he wasn't really trying to find a new job and was spending all day playing video games that would be a totally different story. In that case giving him a deadline and sticking to it might give him the kick he needs to find a job. In this case though it kind of seems like kicking him when he's down which is a pretty awful thing to do to your child just because you want the house to yourself.

ITA
I think as a parent you want your child to know that he can always rely on you. He's going through tough times and instead of supporting him and being there for him, you are stressing him out even more.

[Anonymous]

What type of Engineering? Where is he looking?

[Anonymous]

Weird. An engineering major from a good school can't get a job? Has he done any mock interviews?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I can't imagine kicking one of my children out if they were actively looking for jobs and couldn't find one because of the economy. If he wasn't really trying to find a new job and was spending all day playing video games that would be a totally different story. In that case giving him a deadline and sticking to it might give him the kick he needs to find a job. In this case though it kind of seems like kicking him when he's down which is a pretty awful thing to do to your child just because you want the house to yourself.

ITA
I think as a parent you want your child to know that he can always rely on you. He's going through tough times and instead of supporting him and being there for him, you are stressing him out even more.

I agree.

If he really does have marketable skills (it sounds like he does), I would help him with his resume and his job hunt. The process is not at all instinctive and telling him to "find a job" is likely insufficient. I fully expect to help my young adult children with the process when the time comes.

If you cannot help him effectively, consider engaging a career coach to do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Weird. An engineering major from a good school can't get a job? Has he done any mock interviews?

My friend's son is having the same issue. Informational interview told min that there are so many qualified (and overqualified) people, he needs more courses (despite degree and certification) and internships