crazy to even think of offering to be a surrogate or carrier?
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Anonymous
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Not sure where to post this, hope it's okay here--looking for a reality check. Am I even crazy to think of this?
DH's best friend and wife have been struggling to have a baby for years. FH (friend-husband) have been very open with DH about the process, so as far as I know, they have no known causes for their infertility, and they have tried multiple (7?) rounds of IUI--no pregnancies (and thus no miscarriages), but nothing further. Their plans are currently on hold while they are traveling for FH's work for the next 2 years. FW (friend-wife) and I are friendly; not close but I think that's more due to a lack of proximity and time (we've never lived near eachother, DH and FH were friends from college). I offered to go with FW once to an IUI when we were visiting and FH was out of town, and she seemed very touched and grateful for my presence. Anyway, I've always thought privately to myself that if they ever got to the point of considering a surrogate or gestational carrier, I would offer. I meet all the candidate requirements per this webpage: http://artparenting.com/surrogates-how-it-works.html and we share similar lifestyle/religious/ethical views. I decided to mention it to DH recently, and he was surprised, but happy and willing, if it ever came to that. So, now we come down to it. Would it ever be appropriate for us to mention this preemptively? (DH would probably tell FH privately, by phone.) Or do we need to wait for them to bring it up? Do I need to do more research / consider other things first, and if so, can you point me to some good, in-depth, resources? Or should we just drop the idea altogether? I just want to help our friends, but perhaps the best way to do that is to MY(M)OB. Thanks. |
Anonymous
| I don't have any information but wanted to say you are such a nice person. |
Anonymous
| I think it's a lovely idea and have a friend who was a surrogate for a friend of hers, and it all went swimmingly. I think if you and DH are on the same page and have done your research, he can carefully, tentatively mention it to his friend that it is something you would be willing to explore, at whatever time, and at whatever pace, they are comfortable with. |
Anonymous
This is wonderful, OP. As someone struggling with IF, I should be so lucky as to have a friend like you  May I recommend, however, that you speak with a psychologist/counselor/therapist specializing in fertility-related issues before committing fully? I'm not a huge fan of psychologists/counselors/therapists personally, but I mention it just because they can sometimes bring-up issues you hadn't thought of or considered before. (Not necessarily "bad" issues, just new ones you might not have considered.) I'm thinking of something like 1-2 sessions. Obviously you can take or leave this suggestion, I offer it just for your consideration!
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Anonymous
| That is such a lovely offer. If you are ok with it emotionally then go for it. |
Anonymous
| That is definitely sweet! I had a friend offer this to me. The thing is, there is a LOT to consider. I am sure you have thought of all this already, but things like--are you sure you are okay with never giving them advice on the child once it is born and not having any claim to it in any way, shape or form? Will you really be able to stay friends with them after the baby is born? I would have a hard time spending any time with a GC after the baby was born because I would feel weird.... it's pretty complicated stuff. It's an incredibly kind offer, I wish you the best--just maybe anticipate that you may not really be able to stay in close contact with them after the baby is born, unless they are pretty extraordinary folks who would feel zero need to set boundaries on that.... |
Anonymous
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Wow. What an incredible heart you are! Its such a selfless and generius act. As someone who will soon looking for a gc, I would tell them that you want to help in any way you can, whether it be emotional support or something more, such as carrying a baby for them.
Good luck!! |
Anonymous
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Do you have children of your own? I offered to carry for a friend a few years ago. I posted on here about it, I'll see if I can find the original post as I received some helpful advice.
Things to think about: Does your health insurance cover it? Mine didn't so they (my friend and her DH) would have had to buy health insurance for me just for the pregnancy. It was about the same amount (30k) as paying a carrier through an agency. I would have had to be pregnant before turning 38...doable but didn't provide a lot of room for multiple tries, if necessary. Have you had your own children? I had and wasn't planning any more. Not sure I would have been up for it if I didn't have children or was planning more. We had some tough discussions (would I terminate if determined necessary? How many embryos would we transfer?) ...be ready for those. She and I eventually decided against it, she said she would always feel as though she couldn't repay me and would feel more comfortable using a carrier as more of a formal arrangement. I was glad to have been in a position to help (and my DH was fully on board) and am glad we researched it. Good luck! |
Anonymous
| You said she had several IUI but not IVF cycles? I'm curious why they haven't moved on to IVF already. In my experience that many IUI cycles mean the issue is with the husband's sperms, not her or her egg quality. |
Anonymous
| While they will likely be touched by your offer, if they don't know the cause of their fertility issues, it's somewhat unlikely that the issue is her inability to carry a pregnancy to term. It's far more likely a quality issue on her side or his, which wouldn't be resolved by a third party surrogate. |
Anonymous
I was sort of thinking something similar. It sounds like they have never successfully conceived. If so, then a surrogate doesn't help. |
Anonymous
| I really don't think you should preemptively say anything. I think that could put a strain on the relationships. If they get to the stage where you know they are looking for a surrogate, then you could offer. But I think offering before is kind of rubbing salt in the wound. |
Anonymous
Yes. Don't offer. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
| IUI is such a waste. Do you know why they haven't done IVF? |