Signs of an affair

[Anonymous]

If you don't actually catch your husband red-handed, or he doesn't confess, here are some signs:

1. He's unavailable- not just when he sees "her" but in general. Can't talk- in a meeting, busy with work, etc.
2. He doesn't call you during the day "just because" and is slow to return your calls
3. He becomes very critical- everything about you suddenly "bugs" him
4. Sex goes away and there is no romance
5. He picks fights and arguments
6. Becomes secretive and doesn't like to be questioned

A lot of this behavior stems from guilt and resentment (the cheater will actually resent the spouse because the feel guilty amd look for ways to rationale their behavior). Maybe women behave the same way- I've only experienced this issue with men so can only speak to that scenario.

I've had a long term boyfriend and a husband (not the same person) cheat. Signs were the same both times- I missed it the second because I thought "no way." Can't advise what to do if it actually happens- I think people have affairs for many reasons and most people are capable of it under the right circumstances.

[Anonymous]

"He doesn't call you during the day "just because""

I don't want my spouse calling me during the day. I'm busy. With work, not having an affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"He doesn't call you during the day "just because""

I don't want my spouse calling me during the day. I'm busy. With work, not having an affair.

It's one sign- not the only sign. If you have a relationship where you used to speak briefly during the work day (many do) and it stops--it could be a red flag if some/many of the other things listed are also happening.

I'm not really asking for a critique of this list or to invite combativeness. I've just seen people ask -- could he be having an affair? These are some common signals in my experience.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I think it's a good list.

[Anonymous]

maybe you should stop picking losers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:maybe you should stop picking losers?

Maybe- but I've also had relationships without cheating. It's not pathological- it comes back to my point that *most* (if you want to exempt yourself or your partner from this category, fine) people are capable of infidelity. Some don't even need to be unhappy in their current relationship to cheat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:maybe you should stop picking losers?

Maybe- but I've also had relationships without cheating. It's not pathological- it comes back to my point that *most* (if you want to exempt yourself or your partner from this category, fine) people are capable of infidelity. Some don't even need to be unhappy in their current relationship to cheat.

No, EVERY person is capable of infidelity. A man can visit a call girl and a woman can pick up a man in a bar for a one night stand anytime they want. So what? Most people do not cheat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:maybe you should stop picking losers?

Maybe- but I've also had relationships without cheating. It's not pathological- it comes back to my point that *most* (if you want to exempt yourself or your partner from this category, fine) people are capable of infidelity. Some don't even need to be unhappy in their current relationship to cheat.

how do you know? you don't seem very astute, having fallen for the same shit twice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:maybe you should stop picking losers?

Maybe- but I've also had relationships without cheating. It's not pathological- it comes back to my point that *most* (if you want to exempt yourself or your partner from this category, fine) people are capable of infidelity. Some don't even need to be unhappy in their current relationship to cheat.

No, EVERY person is capable of infidelity. A man can visit a call girl and a woman can pick up a man in a bar for a one night stand anytime they want. So what? Most people do not cheat.

This isn't really about the stats of cheating - I don't know the statistics, but I suspect there are plenty of people who have cheated once or multiple times.

My point is that there are signs. When the things I listed are happening, infidelity as a cause should be considered. I felt completely stupid amd blindsided because I didn't see what was in front of me. I'm not bringing this up to be cathartic- it happened many years ago. it's purely a public service. If it doesn't apply to you, then skip over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:maybe you should stop picking losers?

Maybe- but I've also had relationships without cheating. It's not pathological- it comes back to my point that *most* (if you want to exempt yourself or your partner from this category, fine) people are capable of infidelity. Some don't even need to be unhappy in their current relationship to cheat.

how do you know? you don't seem very astute, having fallen for the same shit twice.

Maybe there are a lot of people out ther falling for this shit and don't know it? The first time I was shattered and didn't reflect- it was when it happened again that I saw the pattern.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:maybe you should stop picking losers?

Maybe- but I've also had relationships without cheating. It's not pathological- it comes back to my point that *most* (if you want to exempt yourself or your partner from this category, fine) people are capable of infidelity. Some don't even need to be unhappy in their current relationship to cheat.

how do you know? you don't seem very astute, having fallen for the same shit twice.

Maybe there are a lot of people out ther falling for this shit and don't know it? The first time I was shattered and didn't reflect- it was when it happened again that I saw the pattern.

It says more about the character of people that you chose to have relationships with (pattern - stop picking losers). You are the common denominator.

[Anonymous]

OP, is the list on going affairs or new ones you are talking about? How long did it take for you to discover them in both cases? Please do share. TIA

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, is the list on going affairs or new ones you are talking about? How long did it take for you to discover them in both cases? Please do share. TIA

Not ongoing- my college boyfriend (many years ago) and my current husband. Both cheated- both were sexual relationships.

I found out about my college boyfriend because he was behaving oddly and I confronted him. I found out about my husband because he was behaving oddly so I snooped.

In hindsight, the list I provided was going on in both instances. I put it out there because people question whether their partner may be cheating and there are signs.

I just want to say (and this is not directed to you) that it's odd to feel defensive against nasty comments when I was victimized by two people that I loved and trusted-- that I am to blame for making poor relationship choices. Even more odd is that I suspect the nasty comments are coming from other women which is disappointing.

Trust me ladies, I hope this never, ever happens to you. Finding out about an extramarital affair is one of the single most devastating events of my life. The initial shock was like being slapped across the face- then the real pain started.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry OP and you are right, it really isn't about you. The women who said those things are beyond clueless!
This is one of the biggest reason I find it so hard to be a true friend to a cheater! It can happen to anyone.

[Anonymous]

If his face smells like pussy, he is having an affair. Pussy face - dead giveaway.