Feeling misunderstood for my career and academic achievements

[Anonymous]

So, as a woman, I am starting to feel that I am misunderstood for my career and academic achievements in life.

I am in my early 40s, never married and no kids. I come from a working class background. I am the first person in my family to graduate from college. Most of my friends are now divorced with kids or remarried with blended families and on their 2nd and 3rd marriages.

I too am not thrilled that the economy is bad and that men with less than a college degree and no IT skills can no longer find good jobs.

I did not make the choices I made in life because I was selfish or self-centered.

I wanted to get married and have kids, but it was challenging for me to find a man who I could trust with my future as well as I trusted myself. And it was challenging to balance work and personal life, I admit. I did not have many role models in my family or social circle for what I was trying to do.

So, I know I can't give a man my age what he probably most waited for, worked for, and now wants from a spouse - youth and healthy children. Men my age who are in my position can simply marry and have kids with younger women.

I understand that. I wouldn't mind dating a single dad who has no ex spouse drama.

What I don't understand is why men my age have to be so angry and contemptuous toward single women my age? I am just as much a product of my environment and the changes in our world as they are. If they want a younger woman, then be with a younger woman. Don't take their anger and frustrations in how their lives turned out on me because I made sacrifices in my personal life to be successful in my career.

[Anonymous]

I think a lot of it is the "just world fallacy." People look at look at someone who wanted to get married and have kids, but it didn't happen for them, and say, "Oh, that person must have made a lot of terrible decisions and that's why they didn't get what they want. It's their fault."

People don't like to admit that a lot comes down to luck, because it's painful to realize that "bad things can happen to good people" and that the good fortune they've had wasn't all necessarily due to their virtue and smart decisions, but a lot of it was good luck.

[Anonymous]

+1 to both OP and PP. Very well put, both of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, as a woman, I am starting to feel that I am misunderstood for my career and academic achievements in life.

I am in my early 40s, never married and no kids. I come from a working class background. I am the first person in my family to graduate from college. Most of my friends are now divorced with kids or remarried with blended families and on their 2nd and 3rd marriages.

I too am not thrilled that the economy is bad and that men with less than a college degree and no IT skills can no longer find good jobs.

I did not make the choices I made in life because I was selfish or self-centered.

I wanted to get married and have kids, but it was challenging for me to find a man who I could trust with my future as well as I trusted myself. And it was challenging to balance work and personal life, I admit. I did not have many role models in my family or social circle for what I was trying to do.

So, I know I can't give a man my age what he probably most waited for, worked for, and now wants from a spouse - youth and healthy children. Men my age who are in my position can simply marry and have kids with younger women.

I understand that. I wouldn't mind dating a single dad who has no ex spouse drama.

What I don't understand is why men my age have to be so angry and contemptuous toward single women my age? I am just as much a product of my environment and the changes in our world as they are. If they want a younger woman, then be with a younger woman. Don't take their anger and frustrations in how their lives turned out on me because I made sacrifices in my personal life to be successful in my career.

What do these men say exactly? I have a good friend in her mid/late 40's, no kids. She has a LTR, live-in BF, however, but she was single when he met her so clearly he didn't care. I also have another friend that was single (had been divorced for over 10 yrs), no kids, and got remarried in her late 40's, early 50's. Again, she was single for a long time when she met her current H, and he had no problem with it.

I have known several men in their 40's, never married and no kids. A few eventually got married.

Is it a cultural thing? Maybe it's the kind of men you are meeting?

[Anonymous]

I think that men (especially white men) my age and older are just much more angry that their lives didn't turn out as well as previous generations. It is easier for them to blame some abstract concept like "the women's movement" and "feminism" and "reverse racism" on their lack of progress or happiness in life, or no longer being "King of the Castle" at home, either, than to accept responsibility for themselves.

[Anonymous]

Some men just don't like the idea of a woman taking on the traditional man's role of having a successful career and good income. By being able to take care of yourself financially and not getting married, having a family and having a breadwinner husband, you defy the traditional gender roles and that pisses them off. BTW although they can have kids after 35, they are APA and that increases the risk for children with disabilities, same as women.

[Anonymous]

I think most men could seriously care less about your marital status. Seriously, why would they? If they're single and don't want to date you then you're not even a blip on their radar. If they're married, then why would they even notice?

[Anonymous]

I'm wondering what it is you're experiencing, OP? Can you give an example? I'm not quite grasping it nor how your single status affects how men your age perceive you. I've read many posts about women in their 40's having a harder time dating for a variety of reasons, but the anger or animosity isn't something I was aware of. Sincerely curious.

[Anonymous]

I am a single woman in my late 30s and I haven't encountered these angry men. not being compatible in some way doesn't make them angry.

Maybe you are putting out signs or doing something that is attracting the wrong kind of guy. It sounds like you are taking your anger and frustration out on them. Likely it is more your own perception of yourself you are seeing reflected back at you, then their actual perception.

[Anonymous]

I am in my early 30s but I've noticed some of what OP is talking about towards women 40+. Hell, there are a couple of those posters on DCUM. I think some people just need to feel better than someone. These types of men are feeling past their prime and single, maybe expected to be more successful and married by that point. I think some of them blame women their age for why they aren't happy.

It reminds me of an overweight guy I once dated who loved to reject or talk about overweight women. It was a huge turnoff and clear that he was projecting his own insecurities onto others. I think he felt good feeling superior to someone else.

[Anonymous]

I am a male, in my mid-30s. I have no quarrel with unmarried , "professional" women. What are you running into, specifically? Maybe there is a generational issue?

[Anonymous]

OP is educated, has a career, no crazy ex drama? Sounds like a good catch to me.

[Anonymous]

You assign yourself too much importance. Nobody cares about your education or career. You already know why you can't get a man. Why are you blaming them for the choices you made?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You assign yourself too much importance. Nobody cares about your education or career. You already know why you can't get a man. Why are you blaming them for the choices you made?

Damn, so harsh. Chill out lady, it's Friday!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in my early 30s but I've noticed some of what OP is talking about towards women 40+. Hell, there are a couple of those posters on DCUM. I think some people just need to feel better than someone. These types of men are feeling past their prime and single, maybe expected to be more successful and married by that point. I think some of them blame women their age for why they aren't happy.

It reminds me of an overweight guy I once dated who loved to reject or talk about overweight women. It was a huge turnoff and clear that he was projecting his own insecurities onto others. I think he felt good feeling superior to someone else.

+1