My MIL's new kick: VENT ONLY

[Anonymous]

So, she loves to talk about how broke she is. How much she needs more money. How money would fix all her problems. Well. She left her home this morning to buy McDonald's breakfast because she does not have "enough money to keep food in the house." She has spent her entire life getting utilities disconnected because she "can't make enough money." Yet, she refuses to pack her meals at home and eats out for lunch 5 days a week at work. When I ask her if there is anything I can pick up at the store for her, she says, "I don't have any money." Really, it seems to me to be poor money management.

My husband (her son) and I are on a very tight budget, so we are not able to help out financially, but to what we can to help her in other ways.

Now, here's more info: she does not do much with our children. But she is very active with my SIL's (her daughter's) children. My kids recently found out that she bought my nephew a new instrument, and to save face, she apparently offered to buy my kids instruments. I told her this was not necessary and until they saw his instrument, had never shown a genuine interest in playing an one. Honestly, I thought but didn't say, "WHY THE HELL ARE YOU SPENDING MONEY WHEN ALL YOU TALK ABOUT IS BEING BROKE???" She brings this up every time we see her and now my kids say they all want the same instrument nephew has and she is intent on buying them all the same thing.

I was talking to my oldest on the subject and I said, "I just want you to make sure that whatever you choose, it is what YOU really want, not because your cousin has one and you think its cool."

MIL chimes in and says, "I'm controlling this one, not you." She said a few more things, trying to engage me in an argument, and I did not respond, so she quit.

I later spoke with my oldest and mentioned this, "Well, if something happens that you don't like the instrument, maybe you could ask your grandmother to save the receipt so you could return and choose something else."

She said, "No, we can't do that because Grandma told me that if I don't like it I can't get anything new and she'll give it to someone who will appreciate it."

I'll acknowledge that my husband and I are very different than my MIL. She is overweight and was not the most involved mother with her kids; we are the opposite. She relates much better to my SIL, as they have many of the same eating habits and through "helping her with the kids" enables SIL to have similar mothering styles. Like, as in, coming home at 9am because she was out all night.

Look, I realize this may sound judgmental, but I really do believe that we're all just different people who would not communicate if we were not family.

OK. Rant over.

[Anonymous]

Why are you not disclosing what the instrument is? If it is a guitar, then I don't see what the big deal is with them all getting guitars. If she were not broke this would not be at all an issue to me. She can give whatever gifts she wants, and once she gives it, you as the parent can do whatever with it you want - if your kid doesn't want it anymore after some time, you can donate or sell it.

But the broke thing drives me crazy. We are going to be paying for MIL's retirement and hefty medical costs at some point not too far from now and I hate it whenever she spends significant money she doesn't have. She recently totaled her car and insisted that her sons buy her a brand new one. What a waste.

[Anonymous]

Your MIL is nuts, that's all.

How's DH with handling her? How close by does she live...is she a frequent visitor?

[Anonymous]

Personally, I would just ignore it, but maybe you feel like you're going to be expected to support her financially when she's older? If that's not the case, or if you just can't afford to do so and so it's a non-issue (which it kind of sounds like), then just let her spend her money the way she wants. Don't engage in power struggles with her. If you truly don't want your kids to have something, that's one thing, but if you just think she's wasting her money, let it go.

[Anonymous]

So you are a much better person than your MIL because you're not fat, you don't eat at McDonald's, you manage your money and you dictate the gifts given to your kids. Got it.

[Anonymous]

Ugh, she sounds completely awful, OP!

Limit contact. Keep your money, don't offer to buy her stuff if she's going to misspend it anyway.

[Anonymous]

If you don't accept gifts from her - you don't have to put up with crappy behavior.

Make sure the relationship is never about - money, stuff, gifts.

Make no judgement about her money choices, but accept no interference from her in your life. She's just tempting your kids. And you are allowing it. That you have control over. You have control over that influence on your kids - and you are failing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you are a much better person than your MIL because you're not fat, you don't eat at McDonald's, you manage your money and you dictate the gifts given to your kids. Got it.

That is how I read it as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you don't accept gifts from her - you don't have to put up with crappy behavior.

Make sure the relationship is never about - money, stuff, gifts.

Make no judgement about her money choices, but accept no interference from her in your life. She's just tempting your kids. And you are allowing it. That you have control over. You have control over that influence on your kids - and you are failing.

DING
DING
DING
DING

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you not disclosing what the instrument is? If it is a guitar, then I don't see what the big deal is with them all getting guitars. If she were not broke this would not be at all an issue to me. She can give whatever gifts she wants, and once she gives it, you as the parent can do whatever with it you want - if your kid doesn't want it anymore after some time, you can donate or sell it.

But the broke thing drives me crazy. We are going to be paying for MIL's retirement and hefty medical costs at some point not too far from now and I hate it whenever she spends significant money she doesn't have. She recently totaled her car and insisted that her sons buy her a brand new one. What a waste.

Why didn't they say no? That's their fault, not hers.

[Anonymous]

I totally get it. It's annoying to hear people complain about their miserable lives but then you see that they're the ones enabling the misery in the first place.

If you are ever in a position to give money to MIL or if she ever asks: tell her you'll have to look at her finances to help her cut back and find out what you can contribute. My friend did this with his mom--it turns out she spent all her money on manicures and other luxury-type non-essentials, and she wanted him to pay for it. He ended up not giving her any money because if she were to cut back on the luxury items then she wouldn't need the help. Just something to think about for the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you not disclosing what the instrument is? If it is a guitar, then I don't see what the big deal is with them all getting guitars. If she were not broke this would not be at all an issue to me. She can give whatever gifts she wants, and once she gives it, you as the parent can do whatever with it you want - if your kid doesn't want it anymore after some time, you can donate or sell it.

But the broke thing drives me crazy. We are going to be paying for MIL's retirement and hefty medical costs at some point not too far from now and I hate it whenever she spends significant money she doesn't have. She recently totaled her car and insisted that her sons buy her a brand new one. What a waste.

OP here: the only reason this is an issue to me is because she is broke.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your MIL is nuts, that's all.

How's DH with handling her? How close by does she live...is she a frequent visitor?

OP here:

DH handles her distantly. Communicates with her when he has to, maybe once or twice a week. We live in the same city and no, she does not visit often.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you are a much better person than your MIL because you're not fat, you don't eat at McDonald's, you manage your money and you dictate the gifts given to your kids. Got it.

No, I don't think I'm better, but yes, I do think I eat better and yes, I am healthier because of it. And MIL makes smart ass comments to me about not taking my kids to McDonalds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you don't accept gifts from her - you don't have to put up with crappy behavior.

Make sure the relationship is never about - money, stuff, gifts.

Make no judgement about her money choices, but accept no interference from her in your life. She's just tempting your kids. And you are allowing it. That you have control over. You have control over that influence on your kids - and you are failing.

Just for clarification: How am I allowing her to tempt my children? Not asking in a snarky way, but really, because I need help! If she offers to buy my children something (which is very rare), how do I decline the offer politely? I really do think the gift is unnecessary and she's buying it only because my kids found out that she bought my nephew something. I did tell her I didn't think buying them something was necessary.

FYI: I bowed out of the discussions and let DH handle it all.