my adult brother uses my parents

[Anonymous]

My 32-year-old brother lives in California about an hour from both my parents and his in-laws (two sets of them as his wife's folks are divorced). He spends almost every weekend seeing his wife's family in some way, shape or form and very little time with my parents. It kills me.

He's not even always available to see them on a birthday or mothers/fathers day. Yet whenever he and his wife go out of town, they call my parents to take care of their dog.

I just had a baby and am admittedly emotional and tired of living across country from my family. My brother and I have a pretty good relationship --- I have previously told him that when you live within driving distance, it is important to be there for parent bdays, mothers day, fathers day etc and that my husband and I do that for his family (who live two hours away).

I just found out that my brother has been offering my parents vacation home to his inlaws and a friend for use on trips --- my father told me he feels a little taken advantage of for this. My mother has previously said she feels like he only cares about her as a dogsitter (which has been my thought all along but I didn't mention this) --- I DO NOT trash my brother to either parent or criticize his behavior because I feel like it is hurtful enough without me adding to it.

What can I do? Anything? Is this my parents battle? I would never say anything to them, but I do feel like I should again broach the subject with my brother --- but since he is a married adult, I also wonder if it's my place.....

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your parents are aware of his behavior but haven't really confronted him on it. Are they afraid to? I think they need to say something before you do, especially if they are healthy and still of sound body and mind which it sounds like they are. They are old enough to take him on and say they'd rather hear from him regarding an upcoming visit rather than to ask him they can watch his dog again. At this point it sounds like they don't' have much to lose if they stand up to him-- what is the worst that could happen, he gets offended and completely stops talking to them for a few weeks or months?

[Anonymous]

No one can be taken advantage of without their permission. If they don't want to take care of the dog, they can say no.

[Anonymous]

Your parents need to learn how to stop toeing to brother. I'm guessing he's the youngest child. If they don't want the in-laws and strangers to use the vacation home, they need to tell younger brother. He knows he can take advantage of them and nothing you say to him will change that. You need to speak to you parents instead. Ask them if they are willing to offer less of themselves.
As a side note, my mother is a expert at making her kids feel guilty when they dont call or visit enough. Maybe if your parents should express their dissapoint towards to their son rather than their daughter.

[Anonymous]

It is none of your business. Also, you sound jealous that he gets more attention than you. You chose to move across the country from drain k y, stop whining.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is none of your business. Also, you sound jealous that he gets more attention than you. You chose to move across the country from drain k y, stop whining.[/quote

Family not drain k y.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is none of your business. Also, you sound jealous that he gets more attention than you. You chose to move across the country from drain k y, stop whining.

Her parents are making it her business. They are telling her they are hurt by his actions. She doesn't sound jealous at all; she sounds like she wants her brother to be a decent son and person and spend time with his parents on important holidays.

I would gently encourage them to stand up to him and be unavailable to watch the dog. They should also say something about the vacation home.

[Anonymous]

He sounds like a jerk. What are his excuses for not spending more time with your parents?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like he has a wife that doesn't like her MIL and wants her husband to support her in this, back her up etc.

[Anonymous]

I would generally try to stay out of it but be honest of how I feel when either side comes to discuss it with me. What is your familys relationship with your SIL?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one can be taken advantage of without their permission. If they don't want to take care of the dog, they can say no.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one can be taken advantage of without their permission. If they don't want to take care of the dog, they can say no.

My brother and parents are the same way. I get as frustrated by their not saying no as I do his using them. Codependency at its best. Ugh.

[Anonymous]

We have a similar situation with DHs brother/SIL. Except in addition to never making time to spend with MIL (always needing alternative, XMAS, TG, Easter, Mother's Day, etc) they always ask for $ and she gives it to them! We on the other hand almost always accept invitations, never ask for $. She sometimes volunteers to give us gifts because, 'Well, I have BIL/SIL $ for X, so I should give you the same'. somehow I suspect it's never ever equal, which is fine. Until I realize that when she needs care, they will be nowhere to be found and we'll end up with the responsibility... Life isn't fair though.

[Anonymous]

Stay OUT of it! Listen to your parents venting. Don't try to fix it. You will come out of this as the jealous sister and your brother will make good and then you will even madder.

It is up to your parents to work this out.

BTW... I have a bunch of brothers, boys hang out with their in-laws more then they do with their own family (in general).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he has a wife that doesn't like her MIL and wants her husband to support her in this, back her up etc.

Sounds like he is spoiled.