Having kids 3-4 years apart in age

[Anonymous]

Every time I turn around it seems people I know or ones I read about on the boards are having kids 18 months - 2 years apart. I'd love to hear from those of you who have kids who are 3-4 years apart. Tell me your experiences and the good things about that age difference. Although we've been trying for #2 for several months now, we're not there yet and at this point there'll be at least a 3 year difference.

I should add my sibling and I are 3 years apart and, although not the best of friends growing up with our share of fighting, we always had fun as a family. But I just can't get over this idea that these days I'm seeing more and more of a shorter age gap between kids. Is it just me?

[Anonymous]

I'm with you, I've been trying for two years to have another child now. First year on our own, second with the help of fertility treatments. Nothing's worked yet, but we're back to trying on our own. My son is almost 4 years old and if we succeed there will be a big difference in ages. Not what we planned, but the plan isn't up to us, it's up to God. I'm just hopeful if we do get pregnant that my son will be accepting and a good big brother.

[Anonymous]

I don't think shorter age gap is a new trend, seems like it's pretty usual.

My second child was born when my first was 3 and a half. In some ways it was nicer to have him already in preschool a bit, and to have him not be quite so physically demanding when the baby arrived. (He could already feed himself, didn't need to be carried, etc.) But in general I would have preferred they be only 2 years apart.

Now the kids are 3 and a half and 7. They just haven't ever been in the same stage of life, Most activities and games are designed for "todders 18 months to 3 years" and "3 to 5 years". There's truly not much that they can do together, and it is hard to do things as a family that are designed for both chilren. As they get older it is getting easier, and ithelps that child #2 is pretty mellow, adaptable, and super bright! (-;

[Anonymous]

My two are three years apart, and I am very glad that it worked out this way. DD (4 years old now) is very protective of and helpful with the baby. She was potty trained before he was born, and was able to do many things for herself, like dress herself, feed herself, etc. She was jealous of the baby, but less so than if she had been younger. I don't have to pay for two kids in daycare, because she's old enough for pre-k. They will overlap in college for just one year.

[Anonymous]

My two children are four years apart. There are both advantages and disadvantages:

The biggest disadvantage is that it is harder for them to play together or be interested in the same things, and logistically, later on they will have more years of being in different schools because of the age gap.

I think the advantages are many, though:

--DC1 was already in preschool 5 mornings when DC2 arrived, and now DC1 is in elementary school during the day, and so I've had lots of time and attention to give to each one.
--DC2 is older and can tolerate the frustrations of having a little sibling perhaps better than a younger one could.
--DC was already toilet-trained and able to play independently when DC2 was born, making it easier all around.

HTH.

[Anonymous]

My SIL has kids 3 yrs apart. She said she is glad she waited b/c all of her other friends had kids closer together. There was more jealousy and she didn't have 2 kids at home all day everyday since the older one went to preschool a few days a week once the baby came along. She didn't have to pay for 2 preschool tuitions at the same time either. I think kids are so close together now b/c the age at which women have their first children is increasing. So they start working on #2 soon after the first one. I have a 4 yr old and I have no plans for another one right now. Don't worry about the age gap. My brother and I are less than 2 yrs apart and we never really got along. It doesn't have anything to do w/ our age difference.

[Anonymous]

IMO, you should either have them very close together, or definitely have them 3-4 years apart. I think 4 years apart is ideal. You can focus on the second child again as if s/he's an only in a lot of ways. There is less competition among siblings. Older DC is off into preschool and kindergarten years and enjoying it. When they are closer in age, you "can" have some regression issues in the older one. Wants the crib back, wants the bottle back, doesn't want anything to do with potty training, etc.

And a lot depends on the parents' personalities, etc. If you are prone to anxiety/stress, I think the 4 year gap is better.

This is all just personal opinion of course. Knowing myself, doing a 4 year gap was better in terms of what I could handle as a mother.

[Anonymous]

I think the best time to have another child is when you are mentally, emotionally, economically, and physically ready. With that being said, I will add that from a psychological point to view, 3-4 year apart is the ideal spacing of children. At age 3-4, developmentally your older DC has had plenty of mom and dad's time, and will be less likely to feel jealous and more likely to embrace and help with their younger sibling. They are also able to more fully process the concepts of new baby, growing family, sharing mom and dady, etc than a younger toddler. As other PPs have mentioned, 3-4 year olds are potty trained, are more independant than 2 year olds, are able to help mom and dad, are most likely in a full time daycare/preschool program, and by this time have established other friends outside of mom and dad so their is not as much competition with the new baby. I'm not saying that this are the only factors that matter, and there are some definite advantages of a longer spacing between siblings, but there are pros and cons with any amount of spacing.

Could the closer spacing with your friends be because they waited longer to start having children and wanted to finish while the biological clock was still in their favor?

[Anonymous]

Like most child-rearing issues, there isn't a right answer here. We hoped to have our kids 3 years apart (on the theory that we didn't want to have 2 in stroller/diaper mode at once). But, God said "ha" and we ended up with 6-year age gap between the kids. They're now 14 and 8, and we really think the age difference is fine. Very little to dislike about it -- sure, you have to be a little creative on vacations and family outings, but that's true as well for families with more than 2 kids (like many of our families of origin). And there's a lot to like about it -- much less sibling rivalry b/c they're not at the same stage. Instead, our son watches out for and guides his little sister (sometimes to our chagrin, e.g., "here's how you get mom to cave on a second cookie"). He's had to learn patience, which kids in smaller families don't always have the chance to learn. For her, there's a great advantage in this relationship, plus she doesn't have the frustration many younger sibs have over not being allowed the same privileges that an older sib gets to enjoy. We can just say to her, "You'll get to do that when you're his age." She's learned to be very reasonable about this, and recognizes that fairness doesn't always mean equality when the situations are not comparable -- a good life lesson. Really, whatever age gap you end up with, you can make it work with some creativity, flexibility, humor and love.

[Anonymous]

I agree it seems that people are having children closer together and I do think it has to do with waiting lnger to have kids and some women taking longer to get pregnant or needing assistance so they start right away.

We have one DS who is 16 1/2 months and we just are not ready yet. I am not ready for the weight gain, sleepless nights, etc. My DS is very demanding for me right now and I just went back to work a few months ago so finances are also a consideration. I am 3 years apart from my brother and while always protective of him we did not become close until our late teens. We are very close now. I always wanted to get my first under control and have my life resume somewhat before I did it again. My mom always told me to get the first out of diapers. We figure we will try in a year or so for the second depending on where we are then and if we feel ready. I am 31 so I have some time.

[Anonymous]

I love the age difference. Both were born in May, as am I, which is a pain. But aside from that, it's been nice.

My daughter will be five when he turns 1. She's been great with him once she got used to the fact that it wasn't all about her. She's no longer jealous, doesn't have the need to "steal" his toys, and has her own interests and hobbies which keep her busy.

She plays with him, tries to make him happy, and yes, even chastises him. Plus, the fact that she'll be in full time kindergarten is actually quite nice b/c there's only one to deal with. Right now, she attends preschool M-F from 9-12, which is also nice b/c I can focus my attention on him.

I'm returning to work this year. So the nanny we plan to employ will have a fairly cushy schedule b/c she's not being burdened with 2 young ones.

I can't think of any negatives. honestly . . . Maybe it's the older girl/younger boy combination???

BTW - I also agree with another PP's comments: "This is all just personal opinion of course. Knowing myself, doing a 4 year gap was better in terms of what I could handle as a mother."

And although this PP makes a good point ("Could the closer spacing with your friends be because they waited longer to start having children and wanted to finish while the biological clock was still in their favor?"), I was 38 with my first and 42 with my second - with, thankfully, no problems at all.

Good luck! It's all good! And you're not paying for two in college at the same time!

[Anonymous]

We tried to have our kids closer together but ended up having them 3 1/2 years apart...which I consider a blessing. I think I would have really struggled with energy and patience having a toddler and a baby, and then a preschooler and a toddler, at the same time. While it's taken a little longer for my kids to enjoy being playmates, now that they're 9 and 5 1/2, they really enjoy one another's company and find plenty to do together on those "just hang around the house" days.

[Anonymous]

Our kids are 4 year apart. At ages 4 and 8 they are best of friends, they play together, share room and they do learn from each-other. I can't think of time when we had any difficulties with them not getting along. But I can imagine things could be completely different if any of them had a different personality. How they get along greatly depends on children themselves - age difference is just a small part of it.

On the practical side: this age difference allows us to recycle clothes, gear and toys in a very efficient way. There is rarely anything that older on isn't done with when younger one wants/needs it. We never had to buy a double stroller or 2 same size bikes. We invest into better quality items knowing that they will be put to a good use by not 1 but 2 kids.

[Anonymous]

our second is due in March, and will be almost 4.5 years younger than my son. I sometimes wish we'd been able to have them a little closer together, just to get all the baby nuisances out of the way, but think it will be good for a lot of the reasons posted above.

I personally couldn't have handled two kids only 2 years apart as a mother.
I watch my friends' kids who are 2 years apart fight (push, yell, hit, etc) over toys, etc., and know that won't be an issue because my 4 year old is able to understand. I'm sure the older one will be annoyed a lot at having a younger sibling, but he's a lot more rational than a 2 or 3 year old would be.
My son will be in Kindergarten in the fall, so I'll be able to do Music Together, etc., with the baby like I did with my son. And maybe nap once in a while.
My husband had a really negative experience in high school because his 2 older brothers left definite impressions on the teachers and with an unusual last name DH was tagged as trouble on the first day of school.
We won't have so many years of overlapping college tuition (I hope! My husband was on the 7 year plan, but his state school tuition was under $1500/year at the time)

[Anonymous]

My sister and I are exactly 5 yrs apart, almost to the day and we are as thick and thieves. I know I got roped into a lot of babysitting through, growing up. We also look a lot alike, so by the time she turned 16, she used my ID and I was 21 We talk everyday (sometimes twice). She's always looked up to me and I've always looked out for her, being like her mother hen. We have probably had as many fights as I can count on one hand. I agree with another poster, it is not age that dictates ralationships, but personality. My sister and I are practically the same person. I know pleanty of siblings who do not get along and it normally has to do with personality conflicts or jealousy.