Having kids 3-4 years apart in age

[Anonymous]

You're not the only one who has noticed that so many kids seem so close in age these days. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that mothers tend to be "older" in this area then in the middle if the country or in generations past so they feel a rush to pop the next ones out before they get too old. Both my MIL and Mother were surprised when I mentioned to them that families I know where planing on trying once their first turned one. They were both like "what's the rush?" because based on their experiences they didn't feel the time crunch...anyway, best of luck to you. I think a 3 year or so spread is ideal IMO.

[Anonymous]

It all depends on the personalities of your kids...it has just about nothing to do with the actual spacing. They are individuals with unique personalities and for whatever reason some click better than others....just like you may get along great with your father and not as well with your mother, etc.. I spent alot of time agonizing over when to have #2 and was convinced that 3 years would be perfect. Got pregnant on the first try AGAIN...so my 2 are actually exactly 2.5 years apart. This has been a perfect age spread for me. They are now 10months and 3.4 years. The older one can entertain himself, is potty-trained, does things for himself and yet is still young enough that they will have the same interests. They are both boys. They can watch the same shows, read the same stories, etc. I even now wonder if I should have had them a little closer in age

I know ppl with a closer spread that love it and some with much further space that enjoy that. It also GREATLY depends on you and your tolerance for chaos. I would have lost my mind having 2 under 2. My son at 2.5 was pretty self-sufficient and allowed me alot of bonding time with the baby when he was a newborn. You can get no guarantee your kids will get along no matter what the spacing.

PPl around here like to be perfect. Remtheber 'life is not a competition', there is no 'perfect' solution- just what is right for you at that particular moment. I got tired of the 'what ifs' and the over-analyzing and when I felt like life was easy again and we had been sleeping well for sometime I was brave enough to do it all over again..for me this was when the first was 22 months old.

[Anonymous]

I'm pp and forgot one other thing. My first baby was easy, a dream so it was easy to go for #2. My good friend had a colicky, fussy baby/toddler who is now 4 (and she's wonderful now btw), but my friend and her husband are soooo reluctant to jump back in again. I think these things are also factors which cause some to delay or go for it again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is true in the data: women have the first kid later in life and the second one sooner after that.
The second fact is probably a result of the first one and the biological clock.

My thoughts exactly.

This was not my case. Even at my "advanced maternal age" (got to love the medical terminology), I didn't feel the pressure to have kids close in age. I just like the spacing - makes it easier to parent a second one once the first is out of diapers and is much more independent. Even if I had been younger, I still would have spaced them apart the same way.

first at 38
second at 42

[Anonymous]

My sister has 3 boys- ages 15, 13, and 7. The 15year old and the 7 year old are very close--- even though there is such a large age gap. I also think personality/chemistry is a bigger issue than spacing.

[Anonymous]

Alot of ppl I know that have kids close in age refer to staying in 'baby mode' all of the equip. is still out, they are still focused on babies, etc.. They don't want to have to go back into 'baby mode' after the comfort and ease of older children (that sleep and dress and wipe themselves!). My BFF was like this and I used to laugh because I def. needed a short respite from 'baby mode' before going back into that war zone. Mine are 30 months apart and I can't believe how much I forgot about 'baby mode' even in that short period of time. The body does a good job of making you forget how hard those first 3 postpartum months really are...and the total lack of sleep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I can't believe how much I forgot about 'baby mode' even in that short period of time. The body does a good job of making you forget how hard those first 3 postpartum months really are...and the total lack of sleep.

I think that is mother nature's way of making sure you get back on the horse so to speak Since there are pros and cons to whatever age difference between kids, I think people adapt and enjoy the upside of the situation. Like all the ppl in this area searching for the "perfect" age difference I figured 2.5 years. I think I read an article that said most people had their 2nd between 22-28 months apart. I had it all planned, when my first was X years old we would start trying -hopefully it would take 3 months or so for it to happen. Well - I had been lazy about starting the pill you have to take when you are BF and one anniversary night thought what the heck - if it happens it happens not really thinking IT would happen. Hmmm sure enough. Whether it was the best thing or I convinced myself it was the best thing I don't know. Knowing what I know now, I think at first I would not have been so que sera sera about things because it was quote disconcerting to basically have two babies. Bringing one baby home from the hospital and the 15 month old starts crying. On the other hand, I think had I waited, I would have really waited and not have wanted to go through it again until the terrible 3s had passed and my child was almost 4. I would NOT have been ready to time it for them to be 2 1/2 years apart. So anyway you have to do what works best for your situation knowing there really is no perfect answer as someone said. Sometimes when you try to plan things end up happening quicker than you planned or taking longer than you planned and you just roll with it. One quick note when you mentioned kids being closer in age - I wonder how much the push to breastfeed has played into this. Not that I have done much scientific research but I am convinced you are more fertile coming off of breastfeeding. I also think, it I was just starting the normal pill, I would have done that right away or within a few months but because I couldn't go right back on and had to get a prescription for something different that I would only be taking X amount of time - I was lazy. I'm sure I am not the first or last that this has happened to - in fact I have a cousin with the same situation. One minute I am thinking - man her kids are close in age - next minute that was me!

[Anonymous]

Mine are 4,5 years apart. I think they are getting along. But I really wish we could get the second one earlier. I wish they were playing together more.
Looking at my friends' families, I came to the conclusion that 2,5 years is an ideal age difference.

[Anonymous]

Just to throw in my two cents...one of the reasons why I think people are having kids close in age is b/c we are starting much later in life to have our first. I was 37 with my first - which is pretty common in the DC area (and other major cities where there are a lot more professionals). I'm pregnant again at 38!

[Anonymous]

you're seeing a small age gap because people are having kids pretty late and if they don't space them closely, they run out of time to have more than one before birth defect risk gets too high. (I say this as a 36-year-old who just had her first.)

I'm 4 years older than my sister and we get along great. Do whatever works for you!

[Anonymous]

I am 37 and DD is 19months. We are trying again now so spacing at best will be 2 years and 4 months. I would far prefer 3-4 years. I am only going sooner bc of worries about age. and also career considerations. I love being a mom and i work full time but i miss being in a more intense job. My husband would've gone even earlier.

[Anonymous]

We just had our second child and ours are almost exactly four years apart, so I'm enjoying these comments and finding them reassuring. OP, I agree that it seems to be the thing to do to have kids two years apart. I thought that would have been nice but personally, we just were not ready. Even though #1 was relatively easy, we were not kid people and it rocked our world. It just took us that long to decide whether we could handle two. However, my SIL has a 14 month old and they are already trying to get pregnant again, and I know for sure it's simply because she feels the age pressure (she and I are both 38 right now).

I am an only child so I don't have my own sibling experiences but I do appreciate the reassuring comments that age spacing is not a predictor of sibling compatibility both in the short and long term. And, I will echo what some other PPs have noted in that right now, the four years difference is really nice in most ways. We have not had nearly as hard of a time taking on a new baby as I feared we would and I'm pretty convinced it's a combination of the age difference (I won't relist all the factors because others have mentioned them - but the no diapers, more independent, already had a lot of time with us, etc. etc. is true, I think) and the fact that our older one is a pretty easy going kid, and the baby so far as been as well. For us, the hardest thing has been feeling like at age four our son has just gotten to the point where we felt our lives were returning to some normalcy w/o the restrictions that come with a baby/young child (travels well, can sit at restaurants, listens, is potty trained, doesn't need naps anymore) and now we've turned back the clock and are starting that process all over again. That part kind of sucks but in the grand scheme of things this time goes by so fast and our youngest will be the same way. Plus, I just look at her and know she was meant to be and completes our family. And that's the best feeling of all.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

We have an almost 4 yr gap between our dd and her b/g sibling twins. They are amazing together now that she is just 6 and they are just 2. My dh and I are beyond amazed at them - you would never know that there is almost 4 years between them. It has helped that she is a very patient child and so good with them. She has always been good at playing with kids any age. So it really is up to personality and not age gaps. I am 1 of 5 myself and honestly my sisters who are closest in age barely talk these days. One just never knows how it will work out. But I can whole heartedly say siblings are just fantastic and while it is so fun being a parent of one, watching siblings interact is such an added joy. Maybe the teenage years will change my feelings!!

[Anonymous]

I'm so happy to read this thread. DC is 21 mo and we've been TTC for 5 months now. I'm 34 and due to related health issues, I think i'm going to need some outside help to make it happen. It's been bumming me out a bit. Especially since it feels like so many friends are already on to their 2nd. Thanks for the perspectives shared.

[Anonymous]

People no longer want kids more than 1.5 years apart because they want their kids to have a better chance of liking each other.

This is based on personal experience, spouse experience, and everyone I know who says they want to grow up differently than their sibling spacing dictated.

You asked.