Having kids 3-4 years apart in age

[Anonymous]

My sister and I are 13 months apart, and we did not get along well as kids at all. We were only one grade apart, so we often competed for the same friends, grades, etc.

[Anonymous]

My sisters are 4 and 7 years older than me. We have never been close to one another, not as children and not as adults. I believe this started early on b/c we were all at very different stages growing up and ended up having very different childhoods, despite growing up in the same house.

For that reason, I always wanted kids closer in age. For financial reasons we waited and had them 2 years, 11 months apart. I figured it would be a lot easier to handle at that age difference compared with all of my friends who had theirs under 22 months apart (I agree with you that it does seem like everyone is having them close together). I found the first few months to be really challenging. My 3 year-old was in full defiance mode and in the last stages of potty training. She always seem to have to go when I was breastfeeding and needing my help. Also, she was in the midst of dropping her nap. That made it all exhausting, emotionally and physically.

I recently thought about what if I had a newborn now with my now-21 month-old younger one. She is very well dispositioned. Gives me very little trouble and it seems like it would be much easier. However, she is still a lot of work physically - needs to be accompanied going up and down stairs, can't leave her alone in a room - things I didn't have to worry about with her older sister when I had a newborn.

So, there are, as other pps have noted, a lot of pros and cons and various factors that you cannot really predict or have control over. For me, it was the personality and life stage of the older one that made things difficult at first. I should note that she is now a very doting older sister and I have a hunch that they will be close. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Like some of the PPs, I wanted to have my kids close enough together that they'd at least share some time in high school - that was based on my own (positive) experience as a kid with older and younger brothers. As it turned out, #2 didn't come along until #1 was 4.5+yo, and I think for our family it was probably for the best. #1 has always been a huge handful, mostly in a good sense, but to have added a newborn to the mix when he was 2 or 3 probably would have overloaded both his circuits and ours. Instead, at almost 5yo when his brother arrived, he was much more mature, ready to share and help, and genuinely thrilled at the addition. I do worry about the playmate factor, but I know their lives together will be a lot longer than their childhoods, and as long as their personalities mesh well, I don't think the age difference is likely to come between a great relationship as siblings. Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

My son and daugher are 3 years apart and get along famously. Big brother looks after little sis and teaches her and carts her around like his mascot, little sis looks up to and adores big brother. I think it has more to do with the personality of the kids than their age differences really.

The only practical problem I've encountered is that they aren't interested in the same tv shows!

[Anonymous]

Thank you so much for this post! I've heard parents with 2 close in age say the first 3 years were a blur, but it was smooth sailing afterwards. I am expecting DC #1 and we are leaning towards waiting 3-4 years for #2, mainly because of cost issues (and also those first few years caring for 2 little ones close in age terrifies me). I'm already getting nervous about the cost of childcare for 1. If we have 2 close in age, I think DH or I would have to SAH because one of our paychecks would go entirely towards daycare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Like some of the PPs, I wanted to have my kids close enough together that they'd at least share some time in high school - that was based on my own (positive) experience as a kid with older and younger brothers. As it turned out, #2 didn't come along until #1 was 4.5+yo, and I think for our family it was probably for the best. #1 has always been a huge handful, mostly in a good sense, but to have added a newborn to the mix when he was 2 or 3 probably would have overloaded both his circuits and ours. Instead, at almost 5yo when his brother arrived, he was much more mature, ready to share and help, and genuinely thrilled at the addition. I do worry about the playmate factor, but I know their lives together will be a lot longer than their childhoods, and as long as their personalities mesh well, I don't think the age difference is likely to come between a great relationship as siblings. Good luck, OP.

I think of this all the time. My sister and I are 5 years apart. We also have a brother (her twin) they are NOT close, never have been. Their personalities are COMPLETELY opposite. My sister and I are best friends.

I do not buy the arguement that just b/c kids are close in age means they will be close as friends. Having kids 2 or less years apart sounds like a complete nightmare. How could you possibly enjoy that as a parent?

I do not ponder my childhood as an adult. I've been close to my sister as long as I can remember and now that we're in our 30s we are the best of friends.

[Anonymous]

Mine ds and dd are 3 1/2 yrs apart. I am happy about this. They get along great, play together. I would not have it any other way. I love the fact that my oldest had mommy all to her self for 3 1/2 yrs, then when she was in school my second had me all to him self. There was/is no jealousy. There were 4 of us in 4 years, we fought like crazy and still don't like each other very much. No one had any one on one time. Every one competed for every thing, mom, dad, toy, friends...

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for all the great feedback. I can't tell you how much better I feel after reading all the positive posts!

[Anonymous]

I'm hoping to have my kids 3 years apart. Right now, I just don't think I could handle another little one with my very active toddler.

I am the oldest of three, and I am extremely close to both of my siblings. One is three years younger and the other is almost 10 years younger. From my own perspective, it's not necessarily age that makes kids close. It's the way the parents treat the children as individuals, and what each child's role is within the family. We never competed for attention because we always felt loved by each of our parents.

[Anonymous]

It is true in the data: women have the first kid later in life and the second one sooner after that.
The second fact is probably a result of the first one and the biological clock.

[Anonymous]

I originally had hoped to have children 3 years apart. Due to circumstances, they ended up being 4 years and 2 months apart, and will be 5 years apart in school (fall birthday for my son).

The pro is that my daughter at 4 was able to be more independent, even helpful, and seems to understand the situation in a way that an under 2 year old cannot.

The downside is that she was used to having my undivided attention for 4 years and sometimes she is very unhappy about the time I have to spend with baby (and she's verbal enough to express her displeasure!)

In sum though, I would do it again. I don't think I could handle two babies at one time....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm hoping to have my kids 3 years apart. Right now, I just don't think I could handle another little one with my very active toddler.

I am the oldest of three, and I am extremely close to both of my siblings. One is three years younger and the other is almost 10 years younger. From my own perspective, it's not necessarily age that makes kids close. It's the way the parents treat the children as individuals, and what each child's role is within the family. We never competed for attention because we always felt loved by each of our parents.

I am 5 years older than one sister and 10 years older than the other - I wouldn't say we are that close but I think it has more to do with a combination of personality and how secure we felt in our relationship with our parents. I can only speak from my perspective - but I think because I was closer to my mom and my sisters closer to dad that caused some friction/tension because each felt the other parent was more proud of the sibling he/she was closest too. So for example I felt my dad valued my sister being outgoing and being part of activities like step team and cheerleading - the type of events he could take out the camcorder and record. Meanwhile the middle sister felt that my mom valued that I did well in school and liked to read and she and I would discuss movies and books etc. My parents would argue they didn't have favorites and now that we are older I would agree BUT I think their issues with their marriage played out with us caught in the middle.

The other thing I would say is that I felt to some extent I was supposed to be the built-in babysitter. It was hard going from being the center of attention - first grandchild everything to being quasi-responsible because I was older. I still have my childhood diary somewhere and I remember the last time I read it I did not get along with my middle sister when I was in 3rd grade. She just wanted my attention and would do anything to get it. For me (quiet and somewhat introverted), I just remember always getting in trouble everytime my sister was in the same room with me. If something broke - why weren't you watching her. If there was a fight - well you are the oldest. By the time my youngest sister came around - I had checked out. My middle sister did everything with my youngest sister. My kids are closer in age so it isn't quite the same scenario but I try to praise my oldest for being a good older sister so it isn't always a negative situation of being the oldest. I also work with my youngest on being a good younger sister so the relationship isn't only one way and she gets a chance to get positive reinforcement for sharing and doing something nice for her sister. I don't think it is a big deal having kids 3-4 years apart or closer in age. As other people have said some of how it plays out will have to do with things you can't control like personalities but some of will be a reflection of how secure the children feel in their relationship with both their parents and like the PP mentioned the way the parents treat the children as individuals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is true in the data: women have the first kid later in life and the second one sooner after that.
The second fact is probably a result of the first one and the biological clock.

My thoughts exactly.

[Anonymous]

Mine are 3.5 years apart. I don't think I could've handled double diapers, double bottles, etc. on top of working FT. Plus it will be easier to send them to college with that age gap. My sister and I are also 3.5 years apart...and we always got along fine.

[Anonymous]

Interesting point from the PP who said that, regardless of age difference, siblings tend to get along better if parents treat each one as an individual. This is definitely true from my experience, both as a child (1 of 3 sibs) and as a parents (I'm the PP with a 14 y.o. and an 8 y.o.). I'll note as a parent that it's easier to treat your kids as individuals if they're farther apart in age. For example, you're not tempted to say, "everybody's taking piano lessons on Thursdays with the same teacher" because that makes scheduling easier. (Not criticizing parents who make that choice; just noting that you're not even faced with that decision when your kids are father apart in age.)

Also, I appreciate the perspective of those who say that as the oldest/older sib they felt like they had to do too much babysitting. When our oldest became old enough to babysit his sister, I asked a childhood friends who'd been in a similar position as an oldest sib how she felt about it. Her advice, which we've found to be very helpful, was to pay your older child for babysitting if you're going out socially, but not if you're doing something for the common family good, e.g., going to the grocery store, attending a PTA meeting. She also advised that we book our son in advance whenever possible, as we would any other sitter. This has worked out well for us -- our son is happy to babysit whether paid or not -- if he's not getting paid, we tell him we appreciate his contribution to helping our family life run smoothly. And, believe me, if we're planning to go out socially, we book him way in advance b/c he has other babysitting gigs offered to him frequently.