separation/divorce, custody & fairness
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Anonymous
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Wanted to hear some thoughts, please. We're wanting to do mediation versus the court route.
Virginia. 2 kids. I was at home with them, now a student. His income is about 175k, a little less than 1/3 of that is bonus rather than salaried, so not necessarily able to be counted on, though it is likely he'll receive about that again in the future, increasing slowly over time. My income is about 31k while in school. Will be about 80k once out. They're living with me 100% of the time right now, as he's in a place (mostly by choice due to location/commute) that doesn't have room for them. He is looking to save and have 50/50, but that is years out. Plan was basically to split their expenses and he'd pay me that monthly. That's what initially seemed fair -- I need a place to live whether or not they're here with me. As I read more and speak to more people, I'm starting to feel like I'm just getting screwed. He feels like I'm being nasty asking for any more. Looks like the VA calculator suggests something like 1.5k for the two kids, though. We wouldn't be anywhere near that. What's the argument, fairness wise, beyond expenses? Help me lay this out, please. I do feel as if I supported him through his career and am feeling screwed now living on savings -- but while he has income, I do have savings, and savings are what he's missing to be able to buy his own home -- which is obviously good for our kids, so I want that too. But I also don't care to be totally walked on. Thanks. Emotional. I know legally about how things would work out, but I really REALLY do not want to go that route. Neither of us do. We're amicable. |
Anonymous
| OP here. I initiated, for what it is worth. |
Anonymous
| I hate lawyers but you need a great one to advocate for you and your children. He needs to give you a fair amount. You should not be penalized for your time as SAH. |
Anonymous
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If the calculator says 1.5K then that is what he owes you. There is no "screwing him." I highly suggest you file for child support with your nearest court rather than informally agree. Once the court is involved he has to pay and you have more remedies if he doesn't.
I'm surprised by the numbers too. Maybe its because my daycare costs are high, but I make 3x you and my ex makes 1/2 of yours and I get 1500 per month. |
Anonymous
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Kids are school age. No daycare.
Thanks. |
Anonymous
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See a lawyer. When it comes to CS, the only fairness to worry about is fairness to the children.
--divorced mom of two |
Anonymous
| Yes, you need a place to live even if you don't have them-but you could get a smaller place in any neighborhood without worrying about schools, parks, etc. So the calculation of expenses needs to include the difference between a crappy 1-bedroom and whatever you're currently paying. |
Anonymous
| Forgot to add that legal assistance may be available through your university. Not as good as legal aid, but a start. |
Anonymous
| Are you at a real school? |
Anonymous
| Yes. Why? Is that some comment on my phrasing/mentality, or a serious question? |
Anonymous
What kind of advanced education guarantees 80k? None. The only schools that "gaurantee" salaries are online schools. They are a waste of money when clearly keeping a roof over your childrens head should be the priority. |
Anonymous
| Also. How does he making 175k but is unable to afford a place big enough for 2 kids? |
Anonymous
Don't assume my salary will be 80k. I said my income will be 80k at that time, which is accurate and a very safe estimate. |
Anonymous
Don't assume my salary will be 80k. I said my income will be 80k at that time, which is accurate and a very safe estimate. Perhaps my job will not be my only source of income. Not online school. I'm not going to give you details, but I assure you it isn't a poor choice with regard to my children and priorities. Goodness. With regard to your second question, I believe I answered that in my initial post. |
Anonymous
| Darn. Double posted AND double quoted. Sorry. Got a bit riled up. |