separation/divorce, custody & fairness

[Anonymous]

You have a number of issues here: child support, alimony, debts and property. Child support calculators are pretty accurate as to what you are entitled to. Not much to negotiate there unless you have special needs or a really expensive pre-divorce lifestyle. Alimony is usually temporary and you may or may not be entitled to that. If you have debts, you have to agree regarding repayment. And, then property. If you own a house, you have to figure out who pays what and how you split proceeds when it is sold.

You don't give us enough information to say whether you are being screwed. But, you definitely need a lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Thanks. Property and debts both very straightforward. Clearcut, no disagreement.

I'm not really planning on seeking alimony. But I'd like the support to be fair.

Thanks, everyone's responses are reassuring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks. Property and debts both very straightforward. Clearcut, no disagreement.

I'm not really planning on seeking alimony. But I'd like the support to be fair.

Thanks, everyone's responses are reassuring.

Then the state guidelines calculator is available for you to determine the support amount.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wanted to hear some thoughts, please. We're wanting to do mediation versus the court route.

Virginia. 2 kids. I was at home with them, now a student. His income is about 175k, a little less than 1/3 of that is bonus rather than salaried, so not necessarily able to be counted on, though it is likely he'll receive about that again in the future, increasing slowly over time. My income is about 31k while in school. Will be about 80k once out.

They're living with me 100% of the time right now, as he's in a place (mostly by choice due to location/commute) that doesn't have room for them. He is looking to save and have 50/50, but that is years out.

Plan was basically to split their expenses and he'd pay me that monthly. That's what initially seemed fair -- I need a place to live whether or not they're here with me. As I read more and speak to more people, I'm starting to feel like I'm just getting screwed. He feels like I'm being nasty asking for any more. Looks like the VA calculator suggests something like 1.5k for the two kids, though. We wouldn't be anywhere near that.

What's the argument, fairness wise, beyond expenses? Help me lay this out, please. I do feel as if I supported him through his career and am feeling screwed now living on savings -- but while he has income, I do have savings, and savings are what he's missing to be able to buy his own home -- which is obviously good for our kids, so I want that too. But I also don't care to be totally walked on.

Thanks. Emotional. I know legally about how things would work out, but I really REALLY do not want to go that route. Neither of us do. We're amicable.

I don't get it. Why do you have savings and he doesn't? Wouldn't you split your assets? Do you have a prenup?

[Anonymous]

Some of the assets are joint, some are not. That's all I'm comfortable saying. Yes, they're legally mine and safe.

[Anonymous]

OP,

You don't want child support? I'm not following. VA law with be the starting point, what you're entitled to, and you negotiate from there. I'd get as much as you can, and get it in writing. Things change with new romantic partners, etc.

Your savings, are they premarital? If so, they're part of the asset pool.

[Anonymous]

Why are you so vague regarding your schooling?

If you have no job experience I agree with others that there is no straight out of grad school job that makes 80K. Law especially is a crap shoot.

[Anonymous]

He's arguing that paying the guidelines amount + 0 alimony to you, while he benefitted from you SAH so he could advance in his career, not deal with school closings, sick days, etc being nasty?

It sounds to me like there is a serious imbalance in your relationship and he's taking advantage of that. The guidelines are the guidelines for everyone unless you agree to more. The support is for the KIDS not you. You have to look out for their best interests. Right now they are loving with you full time, you are making a fraction of his salary, and you are supporting them on savings. That is not sustainable. FWIW the guidelines don't even take savings into account. They are based on cash flow and expenses.

I highly suggest a consult with an attorney. You can still do mediation but you really need advice to help you look out for yourself and your kids' best interests.

If he is choosing to live in a where they can't stay in lieu of 50/50, I would not count on that changing in a few years. It might but the fact that he can afford to have a place allowing 50/50 but chooses not to says so,etching. It could be that he is so used to you carrying most of the parenting load that he plans to keep things that way.

FWIW I make more than twice as much as my ex and have 100% custody. Initially I didn't insist on support at all when we separated because of the income differential. I quickly realized that supporting us on just my salary was making things very tight financially and that wasn't to my kids benefit. Also, I noticed that he had tons of free time and discretionary income while I was severely crunched on both time and money.

He pays support now. What I'm saying is, I started out where you are now so I get it. You don't want to look like the greedy ex wife, and you don't want everyone to think you are taking advantage of him. Don't worry about that. Right now he is taking advantage of you. Just go with what the guidelines say, and if he says it's not fair refer him to the guidelines. He should consider himself lucky if you don't seek alimony. You probably could get it temporarily if you tried.

[ThatSmileyFaceGuy]

OP You are being just vague enough to make responding difficult, but anyway, You said you figured out expenses and then split them, but did you really? Yes you need a place to live whether or not the kids are with you but did you include the difference in cost between say a one bedroom verses a three bedroom? Divide your monthly food bill by three and then include that total? Estimate gas for running the kids around? Include a set monthly amount for clothes and other miscellaneous stuff.

If he is paying their health insurance that becomes part of the monthly support.

It doesn't matter that you are currently living on savings because you went back to school, that was your choice.

Basically if you think the amount is too low and he thinks it's high enough as it is then you really need to take it up with a lawyer. The online calculators are a basic method for estimations only, you can't rely on them for you exact situation.

[Anonymous]

My savings are not part of the marital pool. They're legally protected as personal property.

Was being vague regarding schooling because I feel as if I'm putting a lot of personal info out there. 50k will be salary right out of school. The income I have now will persist and make it a combined 80.

07:14, thank you. That was very helpful.

[Anonymous]

I'm going to say if he has deliberately gotten a 1BR place 'cause it's "convenient," then he doesn't really want 50/50 custody THAT badly.

He might be happy with Don Draper-style custody (every other weekend + every other holiday) but vague plans of getting 50/50 "eventually" often fall through.

If you're not getting enough then talk to a lawyer, use the calculators to get a ballpark figure.

As for your ex's bonus maybe consider that separately, where maybe you get a percentage of it each year? That way if the bonus is reduced/cancelled he's not forced to live in his car or the such.

[Anonymous]

When you say you won't be anywhere near 1.5K do you mean your expenses for the kids or the amount of support you guys are talking about (like, say, he's offering $1K but you want $1.2K)?

If your expenses won't be that much why not agree that X amount will go into a 529 type plan? Then there's no concerns that you're blowing the money on yourself and kid has money for college. Win win.

[Anonymous]

Divorced Dad here. I make less than half of your ex and I rent a 2 bedroom apt for me and my 2 kids in MD. They live 65% with their mom but it was a priority for me to have a home they could live in as well. CS is 800 in DC. I struggle to make ends meet some months but the kid's needs are more important than me having money in the bank right now or buying property.

[Anonymous]

There was a post here from another divorced mom who had put all the child support money she didn't use on the side so it could be used later as a college fund. That seemed really smart to me, and a reason for you to ask for the 1.5k even though you may not need that much now, if you do not yet have money set aside for college.

However, the fact that you have savings separate from the marital assets changes this calculation a little for me. If your ex doesn't have similar savings, and your relationship is currently amicable, I'm not sure I would push for this just on principal even though you don't really need it. There is some worth to keeping things amicable, and you seem to have a very good support network in place. I would be inclined to ask for expenses plus some small put-aside amount for college. JMHO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the calculator says 1.5K then that is what he owes you. There is no "screwing him." I highly suggest you file for child support with your nearest court rather than informally agree. Once the court is involved he has to pay and you have more remedies if he doesn't.

I'm surprised by the numbers too. Maybe its because my daycare costs are high, but I make 3x you and my ex makes 1/2 of yours and I get 1500 per month.

I agree that you need to file for child support through your court for many reasons.

1) If you think things are bad now, just wait until he has a girlfriend (or remarries) or wants to buy a house and spend most of his income on a fancy house. Filing in court will make sure you get what your kids deserve from the beginning.

2) If collecting from him becomes difficult (and if he remarries--it will), you can use your court filing to get Virginia's Department of Child Services to enforce. They do a very good job. I know this, I'm sorry to say, from first hand experience. They will garnish his wages, file with police and DMV to keep him on track, garnish his tax return, etc. They cannot take any action for an informal agreement.

3) I think a court would help you make sure the numbers are correct; maybe you made a mistake? I get $1,200/month in support and my ex makes $180K a year. We have one child.