10 Bits of Unsolicited Advice on School-Shopping from Someone who has Been There

[Anonymous]

1) Do the obvious diligence with respect to requirements such as your child’s physical and emotional safety, the quality of the school’s academics, whether it is a match for the type of education you are looking for, etc.
2) Start with the geographical range you’re willing to look at, then expand it. Then expand it again. Commute time is important to a degree, but don’t miss out on your dream school just because it takes five minutes longer to get there.
3) If acquaintances give you an opening, ask them about their school experiences. Parents are often very willing to dish candidly about their school, good and bad, especially to someone outside of it. But most probably won’t volunteer this info unless they’re given an opportunity.
4) Pay close attention to how you and your child are received by admissions, by the head of school, and by the teachers. Do they seem to value your child potentially coming to the school, or does it not really matter to them whether it’s your child or another? This is often a harbinger of the level of attention you can expect to your child’s needs after enrollment.
5) When you visit, imagine your child experiencing the school, with attention to things such as the physical environment, the classroom environment, the social environment, the teachers, and whether they will be stimulated by the academics and spend their days there happy and receptive to learning. No one will have a better sense than you of how your child will feel coming to this place every day, and a happy child is better able to learn.
6) Force yourself to do due diligence on any schools you’re considering, even if they don’t start out equal on your wish list. If a school gives you contact info for other parents, call them even if the school’s not initially your first choice. Circumstances have a way of re-ordering options, and be prepared to change your mind as you learn more.
7) Observe your prospective first-year teacher in the classroom. That first year in a new school is hugely important, and the teacher-student relationship matters so much.
8) If you can, observe peer-to-peer dynamics in the classroom and on the playground. Imagine your child interacting with those kids.
9) Be wary of a school that presents itself a la, “Here is what we do, and here’s why it’s great for everyone.” Far better is, “Here’s what we can do for your particular child.” What matters is whether the school is able to fit the needs of your specific child; if they don’t appear cognizant of that goal, consider it a red flag, especially if they appear to be selling their reputation rather than actual service.
10) Look at the behavior and output of kids a few years ahead of yours, and consider whether it’s a good match for how you want/expect your own child’s performance to look at that same age.

Happy and successful school-shopping! Other former “prospective parents” should feel free to add their own.

[Anonymous]

The only tip I might disagree with is the interaction with the admissions office. Several great schools in the area have at various times had some truly quirky/annoying admissions people. One does wonder why they are still there, because clearly off-putting to some parents (and perhaps not surprising that they are at schools admitting a small percentage of applicants) but they must bring something positive to the school/process in terms of insights about kids or something. Given that you and your child never see the admissions staff again, once at the school, if everything else at the school feels positive, try to ignore the admissions staff and experience itself as hard as that might be.

[Anonymous]

OP here, and thank you for this. This kind of alternative perspective is exactly the sort of comment I was hoping for.

We have had similar experiences in some cases, "quirky/annoying admissions people" where other school administrators have been quite friendly. Having said that, at the end of the game it was our experience that the warmest schools have had the warmest admissions people, and we found ourselves saying after the fact, "We should have paid more attention to that signal." Also, we found that the quirky admissions people at other schools turned out to be reflective of lesser levels of school responsiveness and flexibility.

Glad to know your experience has been different, and thanks for sharing the information here!

[Anonymous]

Your list is spot on, OP. I also like to get a copy of the weekly school bulletin, and attend various events which aren't designed for prospective families. You can learn a lot from sports events too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your list is spot on, OP. I also like to get a copy of the weekly school bulletin, and attend various events which aren't designed for prospective families. You can learn a lot from sports events too.

Great tips, PP. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

My advice:

1. I agree with most of the list, especially #3 and #6 about contacting families at each school, by whatever reasonable means you can (without being creepy and stalker-ish). They can give you the best perspective on what it's like to be there, and identify positives and negatives you might not have considered. It can be time-consuming, but the time spent is a worthwhile investment in light of the high stakes (i.e., your child's development, your money to the school, your time at the school, etc).

2. On #4, I agree with other posters who say that the admissions team might not be an accurate gauge of the school. It really depends on the situation. At some schools, the admissions team might be closely involved with the rest of the school, and might be really good at working closely with each individual family to assess the situation. But unfortunately, at some other schools (particularly those with tons of applicants), the admissions team's primary job is to effectively manage the hundreds of applicants, so they have less time for hand-holding. As a result, the level of involvement applicants get from admissions people may differ significantly from the level of involvement actual students get from the school. When my family was applying to schools, we got the most hands-on treatment from an admissions officer at a really subpar school, and I suspect it's because she simply did not have many other applicants and really wanted to sell us.

3. Read the DCUM comments on schools, and use them to learn about topics to investigate in your conversations with parents. But don't accept any DCUM claims (good or bad) as true unless you independently verify with an actual person. Often the stories I see on DCUM are one-sided and exaggerated, and sometimes they're outright lies. Use this forum as a resource, but don't be fooled into believing what many people post here. This is true even for DCUM comments from people who claim to be parents at a particular school. Even if those posters are actually parents (which is sometimes not true), they may well have a hidden agenda or an axe to grind. This is why it's important to talk to actual parents directly, so you can look them in the eye, ask follow up questions, and evaluate truthfulness.

4. Remember that you're picking a school not just for your child, but for your whole family. Not all your children need to attend the same school, but it will make your life much easier if you can find a school that's right for all your children. Also, especially if your children are younger, know that your school community becomes like an extended family. You will spend a lot of time there, and you will deal with lots of other parents, so it's best to pick an environment and parent group where you will feel comfortable.

5. Don't get hyper-focused on finding the one "best" school. There is no such thing. DC/MD/VA are fortunate to have many incredible schools (both private and public). If we're being realistic, most families could find themselves perfectly happy at several different schools. Yes, you want to choose the one you like best, but don't fall into the trap of thinking that there's only one right choice for you, and that all others are trash. Remember all the cliches: "Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good." and "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with."

[baltimoreguy]

I think #9 is a great point. At some schools there is an intentional inflexibility - "This is who we are, this is what we do." That can be great, particularly if who they are and what they do is truly excellent. Not surprisingly, it seems that the most exclusive, well-established market leaders are the schools that take this tone.

But before you enroll there, be sure your child will thrive in the environment and program that school offers. Don't get there and suddenly expect them to start changing to meet the needs of your child.

If he/she won't necessarily thrive at such a school, then you should consider a school that's much more willing to "bend" in order to accommodate the needs of different kinds of kids, even if it's not necessarily the "best" or most prestigious school that accepts your child. Unhappiness often arises when parents try to force their kids into a school that's not the right fit.

[Anonymous]

I completely and passionately disagree that a parent should basically ignore the huge and rippling effects of a long commute to the "wonderful fit school." There have been probably 10 threads on this in the past few years and while opinion diverged somewhat, the clear majority of parents who chose far away schools regretted it.

And before someone responds (and they ALWAYS Do, so) that "schools have busses that run from ______ to bullis/st anselms / gds" .... remember that the commute is still sucking up hours a day of your CHILD's time. Yes, you dodged the arduous there/back drive yourSELF, Mrs Mom, but your kid didn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I completely and passionately disagree that a parent should basically ignore the huge and rippling effects of a long commute to the "wonderful fit school." There have been probably 10 threads on this in the past few years and while opinion diverged somewhat, the clear majority of parents who chose far away schools regretted it.

And before someone responds (and they ALWAYS Do, so) that "schools have busses that run from ______ to bullis/st anselms / gds" .... remember that the commute is still sucking up hours a day of your CHILD's time. Yes, you dodged the arduous there/back drive yourSELF, Mrs Mom, but your kid didn't.

Also, I get the distinct feeling that peppy perky OP doesn't live in the dc-inside beltway area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The only tip I might disagree with is the interaction with the admissions office. Several great schools in the area have at various times had some truly quirky/annoying admissions people. One does wonder why they are still there, because clearly off-putting to some parents (and perhaps not surprising that they are at schools admitting a small percentage of applicants) but they must bring something positive to the school/process in terms of insights about kids or something. Given that you and your child never see the admissions staff again, once at the school, if everything else at the school feels positive, try to ignore the admissions staff and experience itself as hard as that might be.

+1 could not agree more wiht your point. We have been at 4 privates and find that the admissions staff in no way represents the school in terms of teaching, curriculum or what your child will get from the school.

Your advice may work for younger kids or for small schools but for older kids or schools that are larger, there is no way you will be able to interact with teachers or see what the school can do to make things good for your child. This may be a discussion in a private meeting with the admissions staff but you really neeed to know that the way the school operates will match your child's needs. Privates can adjust some parts of the curriculum or for a sepcial needs school, they will work specifically on devloping a plan for your kids needs. For MS and HS, you have to make sure that the your child can handle the school.The admissions staff have so many applicatins at larger schools or more populkar ones that I do think the "less warm" personality of many is more of a defense mechanism so they can manage all the applicants. We haev in no way se eit be a refletction of the teaching staff or the communications we receive from the school. I do agree that the ones that are more friendly, for the most part, tend to be at schools that have trouble attracting students and the admissions staff are seen more as ambassdors for the schools and less the gatekeepers.


The school is not going to adjust the currciulum for you except for some areas like test taking time or beign able to use a computer to take notes.

We were invited to many events at schools we were applying to including plays, concerts, school wide events etc. Most schools will want to have applicants see what life is like at the school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1) Do the obvious diligence with respect to requirements such as your child’s physical and emotional safety, the quality of the school’s academics, whether it is a match for the type of education you are looking for, etc.
2) Start with the geographical range you’re willing to look at, then expand it. Then expand it again. Commute time is important to a degree, but don’t miss out on your dream school just because it takes five minutes longer to get there.
3) If acquaintances give you an opening, ask them about their school experiences. Parents are often very willing to dish candidly about their school, good and bad, especially to someone outside of it. But most probably won’t volunteer this info unless they’re given an opportunity.
4) Pay close attention to how you and your child are received by admissions, by the head of school, and by the teachers. Do they seem to value your child potentially coming to the school, or does it not really matter to them whether it’s your child or another? This is often a harbinger of the level of attention you can expect to your child’s needs after enrollment.
5) When you visit, imagine your child experiencing the school, with attention to things such as the physical environment, the classroom environment, the social environment, the teachers, and whether they will be stimulated by the academics and spend their days there happy and receptive to learning. No one will have a better sense than you of how your child will feel coming to this place every day, and a happy child is better able to learn.
6) Force yourself to do due diligence on any schools you’re considering, even if they don’t start out equal on your wish list. If a school gives you contact info for other parents, call them even if the school’s not initially your first choice. Circumstances have a way of re-ordering options, and be prepared to change your mind as you learn more.
7) Observe your prospective first-year teacher in the classroom. That first year in a new school is hugely important, and the teacher-student relationship matters so much.
8) If you can, observe peer-to-peer dynamics in the classroom and on the playground. Imagine your child interacting with those kids.
9) Be wary of a school that presents itself a la, “Here is what we do, and here’s why it’s great for everyone.” Far better is, “Here’s what we can do for your particular child.” What matters is whether the school is able to fit the needs of your specific child; if they don’t appear cognizant of that goal, consider it a red flag, especially if they appear to be selling their reputation rather than actual service.
10) Look at the behavior and output of kids a few years ahead of yours, and consider whether it’s a good match for how you want/expect your own child’s performance to look at that same age.

Happy and successful school-shopping! Other former “prospective parents” should feel free to add their own.

At many schools, there is always a good chance that the teacher will not be teaching the class the next year. Asking about teacher turnover is important. Many teachers also get moved to different grades or apply for positions at other schools.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I completely and passionately disagree that a parent should basically ignore the huge and rippling effects of a long commute to the "wonderful fit school." There have been probably 10 threads on this in the past few years and while opinion diverged somewhat, the clear majority of parents who chose far away schools regretted it.

And before someone responds (and they ALWAYS Do, so) that "schools have busses that run from ______ to bullis/st anselms / gds" .... remember that the commute is still sucking up hours a day of your CHILD's time. Yes, you dodged the arduous there/back drive yourSELF, Mrs Mom, but your kid didn't.

Also, I get the distinct feeling that peppy perky OP doesn't live in the dc-inside beltway area.

Hi, OP here. Just for clarity:

1) I didn't post that a parent should "ignore the huge and rippling effects of a long commute." I noted that "commute time is important" but suggested that a five minute difference in commute shouldn't necessarily tilt the balance. I don't view five minutes as long though you're free to disagree.
2) I'd choose to be complimented rather than insulted by the "peppy perky" comment, but I fear I stopped being either years ago. Thanks, though.

[Anonymous]

OP here again. These posts are all terrific, thanks for them.

A number of posts (09:53, 14:30, and 14:33) have offered really useful perspectives that to some degree conflict with portions of what I wrote; I've learned from them and I trust other parents have too. 9:53's points 2, 3 and 5 are all quite distinct from mine and I thought particularly useful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I completely and passionately disagree that a parent should basically ignore the huge and rippling effects of a long commute to the "wonderful fit school." There have been probably 10 threads on this in the past few years and while opinion diverged somewhat, the clear majority of parents who chose far away schools regretted it.

And before someone responds (and they ALWAYS Do, so) that "schools have busses that run from ______ to bullis/st anselms / gds" .... remember that the commute is still sucking up hours a day of your CHILD's time. Yes, you dodged the arduous there/back drive yourSELF, Mrs Mom, but your kid didn't.

Also, I get the distinct feeling that peppy perky OP doesn't live in the dc-inside beltway area.

Hi, OP here. Just for clarity:

1) I didn't post that a parent should "ignore the huge and rippling effects of a long commute." I noted that "commute time is important" but suggested that a five minute difference in commute shouldn't necessarily tilt the balance. I don't view five minutes as long though you're free to disagree.
2) I'd choose to be complimented rather than insulted by the "peppy perky" comment, but I fear I stopped being either years ago. Thanks, though.

Yes, you did suggest that a "five minute difference in commute shouldn't necessarily tilt the balance" - but that is a meaningless comment in real life since a five minute difference would never be a factor in this area. Possible the difference between STA, Cathedral, Sidwell and GDS (upper school) might be about 5 minutes for some, but generally commute time is an issue for those outside the beltway commuting in or inside the beltway commuting out. Commuting convenience is, for example, a HUGE factor for many families who choose Holton or Potomac over NCS or Sidwell. Likewise those living in NW DC are unlikely to commute to Potomac or Holton if Sidwell or GDS is an option. Among Catholic schools, commute is HUGE factor in deciding between Prep and Gonzaga or Viz and Stone Ridge.

To be clear, I totally agree with OP IF the difference is 15 minutes or less, but that's not so common in DC. If you are dealing with a difference of 30-60 minutes, commute time is paramount. Even a 30 minute difference will add up to something approaching an extra academic YEAR in the car over the course of a k-12 academic career.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The only tip I might disagree with is the interaction with the admissions office. Several great schools in the area have at various times had some truly quirky/annoying admissions people. One does wonder why they are still there, because clearly off-putting to some parents (and perhaps not surprising that they are at schools admitting a small percentage of applicants) but they must bring something positive to the school/process in terms of insights about kids or something. Given that you and your child never see the admissions staff again, once at the school, if everything else at the school feels positive, try to ignore the admissions staff and experience itself as hard as that might be.

+1 could not agree more wiht your point. We have been at 4 privates and find that the admissions staff in no way represents the school in terms of teaching, curriculum or what your child will get from the school.

Your advice may work for younger kids or for small schools but for older kids or schools that are larger, there is no way you will be able to interact with teachers or see what the school can do to make things good for your child. This may be a discussion in a private meeting with the admissions staff but you really neeed to know that the way the school operates will match your child's needs. Privates can adjust some parts of the curriculum or for a sepcial needs school, they will work specifically on devloping a plan for your kids needs. For MS and HS, you have to make sure that the your child can handle the school.The admissions staff have so many applicatins at larger schools or more populkar ones that I do think the "less warm" personality of many is more of a defense mechanism so they can manage all the applicants. We haev in no way se eit be a refletction of the teaching staff or the communications we receive from the school. I do agree that the ones that are more friendly, for the most part, tend to be at schools that have trouble attracting students and the admissions staff are seen more as ambassdors for the schools and less the gatekeepers.


The school is not going to adjust the currciulum for you except for some areas like test taking time or beign able to use a computer to take notes.

We were invited to many events at schools we were applying to including plays, concerts, school wide events etc. Most schools will want to have applicants see what life is like at the school.

I would say that there are notable exceptions to this, such as when a teacher or coach has been moved into the Admissions Office. This is the case at some DC-area Independents.