My Mom came to visit last year and she. is. still. here.

[Anonymous]

So in September, we will be a year since my mom came to stay with us. She was fired from her job (for the 2nd time) and was living at her husband's mom's house out west until he kicked her out. They have always had a very turbulent relationship. By that I mean that he is slightly younger and is a con artist who has blown through her entire pension (it was a good amount) in a few years. She had to sell her last house to pay his child support.

Back to the point. She is 70 and has no job and no money. She is having memory issues and probably needs to be evaluated, although she refuses. She has social security a little under 23K a month and I am getting her to apply to other programs such as SNAP and reduced metro fare. So, that's progress. But I have 3 kids, including 1 toddler and 1 infant. I work full time. We have two bedrooms and the pull-out functionality on our sofa just stopped working so DH and I sleep sitting up bc we had I give her our room (DH works unconventional hours and so he needs use of the kitchen/bathroom at odd hours plus she has a CPAP and luggage and stuff that otherwise crowds the living room). DH and I are just out of our 20s and doing well for professionals our age, but are by no means rich and are saving up to buy a bigger house rather than putting a bandaid on our needs by renting one. We love our neighborhood and our child goes to an excellent school, so we do not want to move to a larger home in a cheaper suburb. And, anyway, we do not WANT to live with my mom. We need room to be a family and frankly, she interferes. I won't go into details, but she just has that type of personality.

Still, we have been looking at deferring our plans to save/buy to move to a bigger place (we can afford one or the other, just not both at the same time). We were thinking that we'd rent a larger house and then rent our house out to my mom and a roomie. Her reaction was incredibly negative and she started crying and trying to lay the guilt trip...she has all of these issues about not being used to living with people, blah blah...she also still is involved with her husband although he is out west and they have not seen each other since she got here. She talks about how she has no money to live anywhere on her own and about how she has this expense, that expense...she doesn't like any of my proposed solutions. Yes, I have a sibling,minute he is even younger and has no plans to give up his o-so-cool yuppie life and be less of a tool bu helping me out and housing her for a little while. Sidenote: before she moved in, he had moved out of our basement, which he had been living in for 9mos, only a few months earlier. He decided to stay with us while he was looking for a job after taking 6 years to finish undergrad as I was 2 weeks away from having my 2nd baby.

I have to lay in a bed. I am so tired and drained. I am physically and emotionally stressed. Sitting and and/or sleeping on the floor or an air mattress...nothing really works. I am being offered a promotion at work and I am scared that I may have to turn it down bc the pressure of having her here and just the negative environment it creates will inhibit my ability to do a good job. I need the promotion, though - it is significantly more money and it positions me to get closer to my career goals. I do all the cooking/cleaning/laundry/shopping for everyone which, I know, is also an issue between me and DH (yes I have read Lean In, lol) but since he is living w his MIL, I feel like there is very little room for me to compain and little some/privacy to work out our issues.

I guess this long post has so many elements and I need help with them all. I don't have the time to see a therapist (I work through lunch, have no weekends since my DH works most weekends) and I am not really sure that's what I am asking for anyway...I need to know how to deal with a senior who can mentality and physically live on her own but thinks I am an awful person for suggesting she spend her own money and be independent (although we would still take her grocery shopping and do the lawn, etc). I want her out of my business. I want 4 hours of solid sleep in a bed. I want to let my 1yo cry it out but since I moved him out of our room and into his siblings', I can't. I want her to see a doctor/therapist. I want less of her moodiness, which really irritates and stresses me. I want to discipline my kids without them being able to run to her. And I feel guilty about all of it and also have no idea how to find resources for her and how to find the time to do it all.

-in over my head

[Anonymous]

If she wont move out, move her into the basement.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, but I don't understand your timeline and facts.

You have an empty basement now that your brother moved out, but you're sleeping sitting up on a broken sofa bed rather than moving your mom into the basement on an inflatable bed ($50) or something you'd buy from Craigslist.

Mom is a senior citizen and makes $23k so she could definitely get Sec 8 or subsidized senior housing, but she won't, yet you think she'll sign up for SNAP.

You said your 1 year old child has siblings, but then you said you're about to have your second child.

You're just out of your 20s, but your mom is 70 and you have a child old enough to be in school (not the 1 year old), but you are also a professional in your field and relatively well paid for that field.

Your mother's husband is only slightly younger than her, but owed such substantial child support that she sold her home to pay it off. And his mother is still alive --how old is she?

[Anonymous]

Oh my poor OP,

You have gone above and beyond already. You need to take care of yourself, otherwise you are headed for a nervous break-down and then what use will you be to anybody?

Kick her out as soon as you figure out something even remotely acceptable to you, not to her - this has become a non-negotiable issue with your health at stake. Pick the cheapest option for you that will provide an adequate living situation for her.

So, what did you propose exactly?

Can she actually live by herself - cook food, clean up a bit, wash herself? In that case, living in your house seems great, and too bad if there is another roommate!

Is there enough money for some kind of assisted living or nursing home, particularly with early dementia? Get her checked out by hook or by crook.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, but I don't understand your timeline and facts.

You have an empty basement now that your brother moved out, but you're sleeping sitting up on a broken sofa bed rather than moving your mom into the basement on an inflatable bed ($50) or something you'd buy from Craigslist.

Mom is a senior citizen and makes $23k so she could definitely get Sec 8 or subsidized senior housing, but she won't, yet you think she'll sign up for SNAP.

You said your 1 year old child has siblings, but then you said you're about to have your second child.

You're just out of your 20s, but your mom is 70 and you have a child old enough to be in school (not the 1 year old), but you are also a professional in your field and relatively well paid for that field.

Your mother's husband is only slightly younger than her, but owed such substantial child support that she sold her home to pay it off. And his mother is still alive --how old is she?

OP here. I am having a moment, so excuse me if I am unclear.

- my brother lived in the basement but it is only partially finished and has no bathroom. No insulation, no AC and no heat unless you put in an electric unit. My brother is not a senior, so we let him rough it down there. Not an option for my mom. Also, we do not want to live with her although otherwise, if our basement was in good condition, it would be a partial solution.

- she has applied for HUD housing vouchers (apparently there are jot many open waitlists) but those can take a while (years) to get off of and senior housing that does not require it but that is income adjusted is hard to come by in this area)

- nope, I had my third child. My brother moved in when I was having my 2nd. My mom moved in right after my third (they are very close in age)

- For. 30 yo, I think I am paid pretty well (a little over 100K). Yes, DH & I had a child at 25 and he is in school (I know DCUMers have kids older, but yes, this happens). My mom had me around 40. So yes, she is 70.

- I am actually jot sure exactly how old my mom's husband is. He has a child who is a couple years younger than I am two younger ones as well with his first wife, the youngest of which just got out of HS and he still owes money. Then he has a ~12yo oops baby. His mom is maybe in her late 80s? The don't live close by and my mom was living 3000 miles away, so I know less than maybe I should. They got together suddenly after I went to college and we had not known him before (he met my mom as he was making his rounds to borrow money from the senior home where my grandmother loved before she died according to my aunt and uncle).

[Anonymous]

At a little over $100k, you can afford to make the basement live able.

[Anonymous]

Fix up the basement into a decent living space with some privacy and a fridge and microwave and move your mom down there, then rent the rest of the house to a young couple with a kid or two who want to send their kids to the local school (you said it was a good one, yes)? They will be thrilled to find a cheap place in a good district and you can charge your mom a minimal amount. She is going to bitch and moan, but you have done allyou can. In the mean time, move back into your bedroom. Who cares if your DH keeps your mom up at night? She can rough it in the basement or get woken up or she can participate in finding a better situation for herself. But you cannot provide for her AND your family on zero sleep.

[Anonymous]

Try to find some low income housing and move her out. We moved my MIL here and she planned to stay. We moved her to a nursing home as like you said it got too much. There are a few low income housing places.

[Anonymous]

Also, she could rent a room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At a little over $100k, you can afford to make the basement live able.

...for $170k total, we have student loans, a house nobody helped us with, utilities, cell phone bills, a non-luxury car and 2 kids in daycare, 1 with aftercare and activity expenses. We would have to renovate the basement completely while we are saving to try to buy a bigger house for the two of us and our kids. And I do not want my mother to live with us. She can take care of herself for the most part, but she won't. She has to find a long term solution bc this just isn't it. Disrupting our plans to renovate the basement actually enables her to continue to rely on us and not work through reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Try to find some low income housing and move her out. We moved my MIL here and she planned to stay. We moved her to a nursing home as like you said it got too much. There are a few low income housing places.

Can you tell me where? How to find them? What the approx cost is?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fix up the basement into a decent living space with some privacy and a fridge and microwave and move your mom down there, then rent the rest of the house to a young couple with a kid or two who want to send their kids to the local school (you said it was a good one, yes)? They will be thrilled to find a cheap place in a good district and you can charge your mom a minimal amount. She is going to bitch and moan, but you have done allyou can. In the mean time, move back into your bedroom. Who cares if your DH keeps your mom up at night? She can rough it in the basement or get woken up or she can participate in finding a better situation for herself. But you cannot provide for her AND your family on zero sleep.

Good idea. Or the idea of you guys move out and she stays with a roommate. How much rent do you need to charge on your house to break even?

[Anonymous]

You need to contact your area's elder care services. You have done more than enough. You want her out, they can help you to help her be independent.

[Anonymous]

For the short term, move her to the basement on an inflatable mattress--take back your bedroom. If you don't want her living with you longer than she already has, I wouldn't do a lot to fix it up.

Give your mother a deadline of when she needs to move out. Make it realistic--6 to 8 weeks. She can find a place to rent a room.

If she's been living with you this long I hope she's been kicking in for utilities or at least helping with the housework/kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fix up the basement into a decent living space with some privacy and a fridge and microwave and move your mom down there, then rent the rest of the house to a young couple with a kid or two who want to send their kids to the local school (you said it was a good one, yes)? They will be thrilled to find a cheap place in a good district and you can charge your mom a minimal amount. She is going to bitch and moan, but you have done allyou can. In the mean time, move back into your bedroom. Who cares if your DH keeps your mom up at night? She can rough it in the basement or get woken up or she can participate in finding a better situation for herself. But you cannot provide for her AND your family on zero sleep.

OP here. Thank you. I can explore this option.

I am currently exploring the idea of her and a roomie, but this might be even better.

I know some people have bad experiences with DCUM, but I get good feedback when I post and I am thankful. Still open for all advice.