Would like supportive comments about stopping at two children

[Anonymous]

We have two children. I am 80-90% sure I would like a third but DH really does not. We have gone round and round on this issue for quite some time, and because of our ages (40 and 43), it is clear that we can't just table it and wait to see if either one of us changes our mind. (I had no trouble getting pregnant either previous time so I think I could get pregnant even at this age; that is not the issue.) Since I'm not about to have an "accidental" pregnancy, I am feeling like I need to come to terms with the idea of not having another child. The irony is that I actually agree completely with DH about all the reasons to stop at two. We have no good reason to have another and many good reasons not to--yet for me it is irrational. So I know I need to grieve, but I don't know what to do. I am feeling very, very sad about all this for so many reasons.

Apologies for this rambling post: I guess what I would like is to hear some words of wisdom/encouragement for others who have been in a similar situation--something along the lines of how you got over the longing, went on to be glad of the decision, etc.

It would also be great to hear from women who were happy to stop at two in the first place: what were your reasons and how do you think it would have impacted you to have a third?

Thanks in advance.

[Anonymous]

We stopped at 2. We got married when I was 37, 1st son when I was 38 and 2nd when I was 41. I'm now 42, with a 3 yr old and a 1 yr old, and feeling so blessed. I work part-time, 'tho at a high level of demand/stress as a M.D. Because our 2nd was so easy, so, so easy and wonderful, we considered having a 3rd, briefly. we both feel that we can do 2 very well, but 3 would push us too far, too thin....we want to do this right, and we just had to be honest about our limitations. I write this humbled by the blessing that this was even an option, beacuse like you, we conceived very easily and very quickly both times. We are entirely certain about our decision for our family, but realize that the right deciison could be very different for another family. I should add that I was very sick through both pregnancies, but that was not the deciding factor. Good luck, you can probably only think yourself so far through this, and then you just have to feel it.

[Anonymous]

We have more than 2 children and while it's a great way of life, I can also see the benefits of having only 2 kids. It's easier to divide yourself into only two parts. It's easier to check in with each child each day and really connect, it's easier to have one-on-one time with each child, it's much easier to travel (you can all fit into a smaller car) and easier pay for extracurriculars. And you get out of the baby chapter of your life faster. We kept on having babies while most of our friends stopped at 2. They moved onto to big-kid activities that we can't fully participate in because we still have toddlers and because of our shear number. It takes a higher degree of organizational skills to manage more than 2 kids (at least it does for me). Systems and schedules are very important. I don't have any regrets, just being honest.

[Anonymous]

We stopped at two. Both my husband and I have been in agreement that two was enough; although he would have been on board had I wanted another child. For me the decision was clear. We feel so fortunate, so damn lucky that we have these two healthy children and it felt almost like overreaching, even tempting fate, to have a third at my advanced maternal age. I'm no longer 27 and frankly, I don't have the energy either to go through it all again.

Personally, I look at my weary friends with newborns, remember the crying jags, the size XL stretch pants, the sleepless nights, engorged breasts with those nursing pads falling out in bed. Gah. Then I'm convinced I'm done until I hold the baby then I ever-so briefly have that familiar feeling. But it passes and I go have a leisurely dinner with my husband or a night out with friends b/c my kids aren't in diapers anymore. In a way, I feel proud to have escaped that sleep-deprived long march of raising infants. I really think I have the two greatest kids in the world and I feel like our family is complete. Good luck to you. Hope you find peace in whatever decision you make.

[Anonymous]

I understand your itch for a third. I have two and am in over my head most days, but I still have the desire for one more. But then I think about how I already slight my baby for my toddler some days, and then add one more to the mix....Just don't know if it is more selfish of me than anything else. I also am so grateful for the health of my 2 kids and worry that adding another could be tempting fate. Also, as practical and cold as it sounds, with the economy the way it is and jobs so unsteady, I am not sure that we could take another on financially (particularly since we want to send them to private schools since the ones in our area are not great). So, I try to be grateful for what I have knowing that I might like the idea of a third more than the reality of one and the impact it would have on all our lives (but I still secretly want one... .

[Anonymous]

I'm one of two kids, as are most of the people in my family (I have an only, actually). Two was perfect. I have one sibling that I'm close to. When we went to amusement parks, the even number of family members meant everybody got a fair shake at the roller coasters and nobody had to sit with a stranger or wait. That is the number one answer I would have given you at age 10, and I still think it's a good reason.

[Anonymous]

There are lots of practical things about stopping at two. You never have the odd man out when the kids are playing. You won't need a minivan. You won't be required to get two hotel rooms when traveling.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am with you. I want a third desperately. I hear all these practical reasons to stop at 2, but I just want another. DH does not. But, what especially hits home with me is the idea that we are "tempting fate" by having a third. I think about that alot. We have two that are healthy, perfect, gorgeous, and just, well, perfect. Is it greedy to keep going? I am 33, DH is 34, so I think we do have time for one more.......but it's a hard decision. Best of luck to you in whatever you decide.

[Anonymous]

We've got two and I love it. We're able to focus on both kids and it's a really nice balance for us and also the kids, who are best friends right now and play together all the time... a third might change that dynamic. I love that between 7-8pm the kids are asleep and I have time for myself and DH. My body is my own again, FINALLY. When I walk through the feeding section at Buy Buy Baby and see all the breast pumps, etc it still gives me a shiver because it was rough with both kids in the early months. I'm also a worry-wart and having another child to worry about at all hours for the rest of my life just might do me in! And yes, the tempting fate thingreally resonates for me. AND I can keep my station wagon, yay!

[Anonymous]

I was one of three kids. the problem with any group of three children is that at some point, two will gang up on one. From what I can tell, this happened in every family of three kids that I knew! (3-kid families weren't uncommon in my midwestern 'hood.) And it was never the same combination as the day before. My mom was tearing out her hair over it a lot of the time.

Also, if you only have two kids, you don't have to pretend to be excited about buying a minivan. (proud minivan owners, please don't flame me. i'm not hatin'.) 2 kids can ride comfortably in most sedans. When you have three kids in a backseat, there is a lot of jostling and poking and "mom, he's hitting me!" this will still happen with 2 kids, but probably only half as often.

And 2 kids' activities are probably a lot easier to manage than 3. can you imagine trying to coordinate 3 kids' soccer games on a single saturday? at least with 2 kids and 2 parents, each kid has a reasonable shot at having at least one parent at their game, play or concert.

[Anonymous]

"OP, I am with you. I want a third desperately. I hear all these practical reasons to stop at 2, but I just want another. DH does not. But, what especially hits home with me is the idea that we are "tempting fate" by having a third. I think about that alot. We have two that are healthy, perfect, gorgeous, and just, well, perfect. Is it greedy to keep going? I am 33, DH is 34, so I think we do have time for one more.......but it's a hard decision. Best of luck to you in whatever you decide."

I could have written this. Except I'm about to turn 39... so the odds are even worse for the health of a third. And all I need to do is go to an indoor playplace or a playdate with a bunch of excited toddlers running around to realize that I'm stretched with 2. Three would be even more chaos. So I've been mourning my nonexistant 3rd child, and gradually letting go of all the baby equipment and clothes. It's really hard.

[Anonymous]

OP---I'm also with you. But my situation is a little different. I have twins. One boy and one girl.....But I still want another child. Everyone tells me that I have the "prefect" family and I dont need anymore. but I actually would love another one or two. I say two because I would love for my daughter to have a sister to grow up with. I would love for my son to have a brother to grow up with. Yes, my twins will probably be close but probably not as close as same sex twins. So here's the dilema...have another and have an odd man out. Have two more and pray one is a girl and the other is a boy. Or...possibly have another set of twins.

I really want another baby but I'm not sure what to do. DH wants another one also so we're on the same page there. I'm also worried about spreading myself too thin. The twins are already a lot to handle...can I handle a new born and TWO toddlers? Can I afford it?

Reading your post and the other responses made me seriously think about stopping at two. But deep down inside, it's difficult to accept that. Good Luck to you. No matter what you decide it will be the best decision for you. You wont be wrong either way.

[Anonymous]

I'm in the exact same position as the OP. I really do want a third. But I think being a working mom also factors in. I already feel i don't give enough to my two children as it is. Adding a third will make that worse. But, i also think there's something difficult about ending the child-bearing years no matter how many you have. It's such a wonderful, happy time and and having that phase in life over for good is hard to swallow.

[Anonymous]

We're stopping at 2 same age as you and your husband and I had serious complication with each pregnancy. Too much risk and uncertainty for us to go for 3 even though we would like a third. 2 is a nice number to have though for many reasons.

My kids get along great and introducing a 3rd could change the dynamic.
I can't imagine paying for 3 once they get into the preschool, activities, and college stages. Travel is easier and cheaper than 3 would be.
The logistics of 2 is easier. I can take both out to anywhere with me, 3 would be harder. We can do things that take more supervision like swimming where each parent can watch one child.
You can buy any type of car, no need to figure out which one holds 3 seats.
If the 2 you have are closer in age it only becomes easier to do family things where everyone does the same activities, eats the same food etc. 3 tends to mean you have a baby, a toddler,and a preschooler or elementary school kid who all want to do something different.

[Anonymous]

I only have two, and while I don't know what it's like to have just one sibling, I can see how wonderful it is for the children. They get lots of attention and I can cuddle up with both of them. I always tell them that I have to children because I have two arms.