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Would like supportive comments about stopping at two children
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Anonymous
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i'm like you. i'd like another. i have two, twins actually. both girls. unfortunately, i'm infertile so having another is not a possibility. thanks for asking this question. i need to feel better about just having two. |
Anonymous
| I am very much in the same boat as OP. In fact, just had my second after a year plus struggle with infertility but cannot let go of the idea of a third (which would undoubtedly mean back to IVF and soon as I turn 40 this year). We probably can't afford it and I certainly worry about stretching myself too thin (we both work full time at often demanding jobs) but I just feel our family is not complete. So the plan is to make an appt with our RE when the baby hits 10 months or so. It may very well not happen and that is something I will need to come to terms with but I need to try to get there. It is a very hard, personal decision. |
Anonymous
Its funny, but your first line is why I WANT 3. Because growing up my sister had horrible sibling rivalry with me, and I think with 3 you can have changing alliances and not always feel that you are comparing one against the other, especially if they are the same sex. That being said, having 2 is perfect. A one to one ratio is very convenient and easy. |
Anonymous
| I am one of four, pregnant with #2, and want to have 3. Four is too many. I know 2 is most logical but feel that is not enough. I'm 33 so DH and I still have 3 years to decide. |
Anonymous
My circumstances are similar to yours, though I am 40. Age is my reason for not having a third. Plus we would have to move out of our house and into a new one in the suburbs if we had a third. And just think of all those sleepless nights again...the cost of another college tuition...all those jars of baby food and all those dirty diapers.... I have the worst babyitis right now though. I can break into tears just by looking at a baby. I'm hoping it's just a phase. |
Anonymous
I got a puppy instead. I had to wake up a couple of times at night to let her outside for the first few weeks. That was all I needed to kill the dream of a third. |
Anonymous
That is SO nice. i'm lurking from the expecting boards and am 35 with my first on the way. I always thought I'd have a big family, but for some reason, three was the number I thought would be good. I was an only child of my parents, but then they each got remarried and gave me a pair of siblings on each side. So I suppose i was either an only child, one of 5, or 1 of two different sets of three, depending on how you did the short division. I always felt very lonely as an only child, and my siblings were like a gift to me, even though I was so much older than them (11 years was the shortest span). Anyway, I'm rambling. I'm pregnant with number 1 and have a long way to go even before this one makes his or her debut -- but I can't let go of that magic three number. I'm not ancient, I guess I could do it, but will i have the energy? Will we have the money? Will DH agree? (He comes from two and thinks two is a perfect number, but I bet he could be brought on board). Anyway, with so little experience behind me and so much to learn, it's nice to see how much it seems like all moms long for more children, and how wonderful they feel about having the ones they do have. Y'all made this pregnant lady get all sniffly. 
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Anonymous
Not trying to be obnoxious, but this is relevant or helpful to OP how exactly? |
Anonymous
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OP, I have two children but planned to stop at one. I am responding to what to do about grieving because that part really struck home for me.
At the time we decided to stop at one, I really did feel it as a loss. We had picked out a name. We always saw ourselves having two. But one was right for us based on many factors that are absolutely still true. My internist actually talked to me about it one day, and he said that as I sat there rattling off all my logical factors for stopping at one, the pain was so clear in my face. What we decided to do was to take a weekend, drop off DC #1 with one set of grandparents or the other, go away somewhere quiet, and to drink a little too much wine, and raise a glass to our little Johnny or Susie (not the real names) and just cry it out. I think it might have worked, actually - a catharsis of sorts. Within two weeks of us deciding to do this and telling everyone we have firmly committed to the idea of having one, I became pregnant - an "oops" probably inspired by all the wine I drank while out with girlfriends to tell them about this big decision we had made. I say this not to say you should have 3, but to tell you that I can't really tell how my cry it out plan would have worked over the long term. What I can tell you is that all the reasons we thought we should stop at 1 are absolutely true. We had no business having another. It has come very close to tearing our marriage apart and I am not sure whether we will ultimately make it. Now that I have met DC#2, of course, I would gladly keep that child instead of my marriage. But I hope it doesn't come to that. The grief thing is absolutely real. Please allow yourself the time and place to come to terms with it if you choose to stop at 2. The pain is real. Good luck, OP. I hope something I said is useful to you. |
Anonymous
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Most of what I would say has already been said here, but I want to add one thing. Remember, that if you are 40, with 2 healthy children (I assume), you must count your blessings. A problematic pregnancy or a medically-needy child can upset the balance in your family greatly and take away from the time you have with your husband and children.
Not to be negative, but it's another way to remind yourself it's not so bad to stop at 2. It seems that having 3 has somehow gotten trendy... Do what makes sense. |
Anonymous
| We have stopped at two and when I start to get sad about not having another baby to cuddle I think about all my friends and family that are still having babies and I cuddle them and go home and get a good night's sleep! |
Anonymous
| OP here. Thanks so much for everyone's comments, they are much appreciated and helpful. |
Anonymous
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I'm not 100% sure we will stop at two. However, every time we think of maybe having a 3rd, my DH will travel on a work trip and I will be working full-time, have the kids pre-school close because of Inauguration or snow, be shoveling snow/clearing off cars, in this case have family that is either working or traveling so they can't come to town to help out. The only reason I am holding it together rather well is because I have very good vacation time, nothing major due at work this week, and had already made the decision (based on the real stress I had from his last work trip) to just take an hour of vacation each day while my DH is away so I wouldn't risk life and limb to drop off and pickup at two different places and put in an 8 hour day. I've also been lax on doing hair everyday and the food (lots of nuggets, fries, pasta and eating out). I've also had more fun than I thought possible with the girls - I've taken them on errands to the bookstore, gone to the library, had ballerina and dress-up in the house. The fact that they are close in age and there is no baby/infant in the mix makes a huge difference. However, for all the fun we've had, their sleeping is still inconsistent. The youngest (not quite 3) will wake up and have to go to the potty - or just wake up because of a bad dream etc. at least every night or every other night between 1-3. The oldest (4) seems to wake up early on the other days. So I think - imagine if there was an infant - I wouldn't even be getting 5 hours of consistent sleep. Other people have mentioned finances - the girls are so excited about taking dance lessons and gymnastics - as you know activities can be pricey. I don't think the children have to have the best of everything etc. and while my parents didn't have a lot of money - I do still remember 20 plus years later going to dance camp and taking gymnastics lessons etc. My mom was about having opportunities and exposure to different things even though we didn't have the money to seriously commit to any one activity. I feel that I can comfortably do that for 2 kids but not for 3 (as people mentioned not only money but the time/logistics). With the economy in the shape that's it in - again - I feel like we could figure something out if I lost my job. If we had 3 - not only would probably my whole salary go to daycare - it would be very tight month to month and if I lost my job with the cost of 3 kids in childcare, it would be very difficult to be unemployed for long while paying for childcare.
I think the bottom line is I am happy with the family I have - the girls are at the age where they say something funny and I have fun going on little outings with them. My DH and I are looking at our first getaway that is flying distance while my in-laws watch the girls. We feel are lives are blessed by having our children. I'm hopeful that someday our kids can say how their parents have been together for 20 plus years etc. and be the example of what they want their relationships to be like. I'm not saying a 3rd child would be the apocalypse but when I think about what a difference it would be for our lives (not being able to have alone time/getaways, grandparents not be able to really take on 3 kids that are young, money, stress when DH travels for work, cost of bigger car(s)/childcare/activities, delaying retirement etc., more stress about the economy/possible layoffs) - I have to question why. We also think in the back of our minds - but what if we had twins. That would break us for sure - and imagine if we ended up with 4 girls total! I think IF my husband didn't travel for work, IF I wanted to be SAHM so childcare costs and my financial contributions were not issues, IF any of the grandparents or siblings lived in the state and would be able to watch the kids for a date night with DH or a little time away or for example if there was a snow day or unexpected school closing, IF we were in the financial situation (and felt comfortable) where we could hire somone to help for example when my husband travels or for those date nights, with some of the drop-off pickup during the week etc. it would be a different ballgame. However, what was the line about if wishes were horses ... |
Anonymous
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Decades after I struggled with this issue, it's still good to know how others are dealing with it. When our two children were little I really wanted a third, and for years and years I felt sad, not REALLY listened to, and disappointed about my husband not wanting another baby. I was in my late twenties when our second child was born, so we had lots of time to consider a third child. Every once in a while I'd raise the possibility and my husband kept saying "no" -- I remember feeling a physical yearning for another baby, and it was obvious he had no such feelings. For him it was time/logic and concern about overpopulation. I think it was the most difficult issue for me in our marriage (if asked, he would probably bring up a different issue, I don't think this was ever a big deal to him, that was part of what I found so difficult). When our kids were pre-teens he had a vasectomy (with my agreement). By then I'd come to accept that we weren't going to have a third child. We renovated our home so my parents could come to live with us (my dad was 80 at that time) and ended up doing a lot of caregiving for my parents over the next couple of years. After my parents both died, with our children in high school, we invited a friend who'd been through a horrible divorce to live with us for most of a year, with her teenage daughter. Then a family we'd gotten to know in our neighborhood experienced a tragedy and their teenage boy was acting out. His parents were unable to respond effectively, they were in mourning over the death of their oldest child, had limited English skills and were just struggling to survive. We took the teenager into our home and helped the family get legal help and other services, an intense and time-consuming experience for 6 months or so. Under happier circumstances, several times I've been able to fly across the country to spend a week helping my brother and sister-in-law with their older children when they had a new baby.
I've found our ability/willingness to help others in these ways very rewarding, and my husband says he has too -- though I was the one who came up with the plans to offer our help. I wonder if we would have managed to do some of these things if we'd had a third child. Maybe that's all rationalization. Every once in a while I still wonder what (who) we've missed... but I also wonder about some of the other choices I/we have made over the years. And now, I'm the grandmother of a toddler, delighted to be spending time caring for him on a regular basis (thus my interest/participation in DCUrban Moms). All the best to you, OP. |
Anonymous
| Who has the crystal ball that guarantees that the 3rd pregnancy will be a breeze and that the outcome will be a healthy newborn baby? |