Signs of bullying?

[Anonymous]

Son is back after spending his first year away at college. He really blossomed over the past year and, among other things, has opened up to us about how unhappy his nine years at a top all boys schools was. I am frankly stunned to find that DS now feels that he was bullied during most of the time he was at that school. In reflecting on the years DS spent that the school, I don’t think I missed obvious signs of bullying. To the contrary, all of the boys at the school seemed super respectful and polite (almost to the point of Eddie Haskell – for those who remember Leave it to Beaver). I could tell that DS was not the most popular boy in school, but he seemed to include in events, played sports and had a solid friend group. DS’s college might be considered a “hipster” school and it is plainly a better fit for DS, but I’m curious as to whether this experience is rare or common? It’s too late to go back now, but if there are signs to look out for when a DC is not communicating about what is going on at school (trust me I tried to get him to talk).

[Anonymous]

All I can tell you is that had I committed mass murder at my high school, the only person to be surprised would be my mother, because she was that far in denial about all that was going on. She absolutely knew, and simply refused to allow it to penetrate.

Once, when my brother was delivering newspapers, he delivered to the house of a kid in my grade. That kid gave my brother a dog biscuit "for your sister." When my brother got home he sheepishly told us and showed us the biscuit. I was completely embarrassed and my mother laughed and told him to give it to our dog. She didn't say "I'm so sorry," or "Rob is such a jerk" or anything to me.

Things like this happened all the time. So, are you SURE there weren't signs that you were ignoring? If you are, I suggest you apologize to your son for not realizing/knowing, ask if he would like you to find someone for him to talk with about it, either home or near college, and ask him to tell you going forward when he's having a problem, even though he's grown now.

[Anonymous]

Not to discredit at all but I think parents need to look at what bullying really is versus not being popular and fitting in. Or other kids not wanting to hang out with you/sit its you at lunch - that isn't bullying.

[Anonymous]

I think it is common to come back from college and realize there is a real world out there with people that you like. When you are in school you think the kids you see every day are the beginning and the end of the universe (especially when that is all you know K-12). You tolerate them at best and maybe have a few friends. Sure there are some kids that love it, but I think tolerating HS is more the norm.

My H works with teens and his consistent message is this is not the real world, work hard and get to college (or the working world) where you find "your world".

It takes years to realize those kids were just dumb kids and I don't think it is until you have your own kids you can actually have empathy for those kids (no matter how rich they are).

Just listen to your son's experience without judgement or advice, show empathy for what he went through. Let him know that he can and should be more open with you when he is not happy and it will happen again with work, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Son is back after spending his first year away at college. He really blossomed over the past year and, among other things, has opened up to us about how unhappy his nine years at a top all boys schools was. I am frankly stunned to find that DS now feels that he was bullied during most of the time he was at that school. In reflecting on the years DS spent that the school, I don’t think I missed obvious signs of bullying. To the contrary, all of the boys at the school seemed super respectful and polite (almost to the point of Eddie Haskell – for those who remember Leave it to Beaver). I could tell that DS was not the most popular boy in school, but he seemed to include in events, played sports and had a solid friend group. DS’s college might be considered a “hipster” school and it is plainly a better fit for DS, but I’m curious as to whether this experience is rare or common? It’s too late to go back now, but if there are signs to look out for when a DC is not communicating about what is going on at school (trust me I tried to get him to talk).

Well, personally, I think that's the first sign.

It might also be perspective on your DS part now that he can look back and in hindsight see what was really going on but in the thick of it couldn't appreciate it so don't blame yourself too much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it is common to come back from college and realize there is a real world out there with people that you like. When you are in school you think the kids you see every day are the beginning and the end of the universe (especially when that is all you know K-12). You tolerate them at best and maybe have a few friends. Sure there are some kids that love it, but I think tolerating HS is more the norm.

My H works with teens and his consistent message is this is not the real world, work hard and get to college (or the working world) where you find "your world".

It takes years to realize those kids were just dumb kids and I don't think it is until you have your own kids you can actually have empathy for those kids (no matter how rich they are).

Just listen to your son's experience without judgement or advice, show empathy for what he went through. Let him know that he can and should be more open with you when he is not happy and it will happen again with work, etc.

That's a terrible message and is really not helpful.

First, telling someone the life they are living is not in the "real world" is crazy. yes, for that kid at that time the "real world" is their high school, etc. And second, I have found that the same things that the same social construct and the same situations continued all throughout life in slightly varied formats. So yes, high school was the "real world" and its better for adults to help kids navigate it in high school so they can extrapolate that to later years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it is common to come back from college and realize there is a real world out there with people that you like. When you are in school you think the kids you see every day are the beginning and the end of the universe (especially when that is all you know K-12). You tolerate them at best and maybe have a few friends. Sure there are some kids that love it, but I think tolerating HS is more the norm.

My H works with teens and his consistent message is this is not the real world, work hard and get to college (or the working world) where you find "your world".

It takes years to realize those kids were just dumb kids and I don't think it is until you have your own kids you can actually have empathy for those kids (no matter how rich they are).

Just listen to your son's experience without judgement or advice, show empathy for what he went through. Let him know that he can and should be more open with you when he is not happy and it will happen again with work, etc.

That's a terrible message and is really not helpful.

First, telling someone the life they are living is not in the "real world" is crazy. yes, for that kid at that time the "real world" is their high school, etc. And second, I have found that the same things that the same social construct and the same situations continued all throughout life in slightly varied formats. So yes, high school was the "real world" and its better for adults to help kids navigate it in high school so they can extrapolate that to later years.

No. It is not the real world. It is one very homogenous group of people. Every single aspect of HS is controlled. Kids sense that it is weird and restrictive and they "don't belong" but there is little that can be done in those 4 years. It is emotionally restrictive and often toxic but they can't get out. In the real world you can get out, move, change jobs, find a group of friends that you like. This is the private school forum so many can leave but in HS it is much harder especially after Sophomore year.

I don't need you to agree with me. You should read more about it though when you have such a strong opinion about something to ensure you actually know what you are talking about.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you had it over would you send him to a different school? A public school, perhaps? I ask bec/ my son is going into 5th grade and is very shy and quiet. He seems to be doing ok socially at the moment, but I am worried about him and would worry about him being bullied if he were to atttend the all boys prep school my DH attended around here or its feeder school, which is what DH wants.

[Anonymous]

Thank you OP for this topic. It is very thought provoking for me.

[Anonymous]

OP, did your son give you any details about the types of things that the other boys were saying and/or doing to him at school? It might help others see the red flags with their sons.

[Anonymous]

I could guess the school and yes I know many girls who told their parents how miserable they were at their all girls school after the fact. I think that they were somewhat embarrassed to admit and after felt more confident to share how they really felt. Many Moms have expressed feeling terrible about this.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would join the chorus of those who say (1) don't blame yourself; and (2) it may not have been a case of "bullying," per se, as much as finding a niche and more simpatico (or just nicer) people at college. It is not uncommon for many people to change situations, particularly from high school to college, and realize that they were very unhappy in the prior milieu, even if at the time they made a go of it and coped on a day to day basis.

I don't want to be dismissive, either, of the possibility of real bullying behavior. If your son shares enough for you to make a judgment that there was cruel or bullying behavior, you might think about trying to contact a trusted teacher or administrator at the school to share that. I am a teacher and I know I do my best to make school and safe and warm place but I know I don't see everything, and there is a lot of cyber-behavior that can go on. I would want our school to know about behavior to try to change things going forward for other kids. However, if you feel like you just want to wash your hands of the school I definitely get that too.

Good luck to your son -- glad he is thriving in college -- and, again, don't be too hard on yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you OP for this topic. It is very thought provoking for me.

+1 following. I always wonder this with my son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it is common to come back from college and realize there is a real world out there with people that you like. When you are in school you think the kids you see every day are the beginning and the end of the universe (especially when that is all you know K-12). You tolerate them at best and maybe have a few friends. Sure there are some kids that love it, but I think tolerating HS is more the norm.

My H works with teens and his consistent message is this is not the real world, work hard and get to college (or the working world) where you find "your world".

It takes years to realize those kids were just dumb kids and I don't think it is until you have your own kids you can actually have empathy for those kids (no matter how rich they are).

Just listen to your son's experience without judgement or advice, show empathy for what he went through. Let him know that he can and should be more open with you when he is not happy and it will happen again with work, etc.

That's a terrible message and is really not helpful.

First, telling someone the life they are living is not in the "real world" is crazy. yes, for that kid at that time the "real world" is their high school, etc. And second, I have found that the same things that the same social construct and the same situations continued all throughout life in slightly varied formats. So yes, high school was the "real world" and its better for adults to help kids navigate it in high school so they can extrapolate that to later years.

No. It is not the real world. It is one very homogenous group of people. Every single aspect of HS is controlled. Kids sense that it is weird and restrictive and they "don't belong" but there is little that can be done in those 4 years. It is emotionally restrictive and often toxic but they can't get out. In the real world you can get out, move, change jobs, find a group of friends that you like. This is the private school forum so many can leave but in HS it is much harder especially after Sophomore year.

I don't need you to agree with me. You should read more about it though when you have such a strong opinion about something to ensure you actually know what you are talking about.

And every group thereafter you will come to a point where it is a homogenous group of people. We naturally segregate ourselves during our lifetime into groups we feel most comfortable with. There are many adults who are in situations where they feel they "don't belong". Just telling a high schooler over and over "well it's not the real world" isn't helpful. It is in fact the "real world" the high schooler is in at that moment. it's not make believe, they aren't pretending to go there, its not some fantasy they can opt out of. Teach kids to navigate the best way possible there and encourage them to branch out outside of school. In the future, high school is just replaced with "the office" and the same advice applies. Switching jobs isn't always an option and many adults stick it out for a while.

[Anonymous]

thanks for sharing this experience, OP.

My DD went to a different middle school from her elementary classmates this year - NKOTB type thing for her. By November things fell apart for her after she sprained her ankle in PE class and got several Fs on assignments. She is borderline ADHD - Inattentiveness so DH and I just got on her case about responsibility and organization. She redid most of the assignments and raised her

Well.... yesterday at her well child check up, she shares with the doctor that sometimes she cries herself to sleep! I was like WTF???!!!! I *thought* we had open lines of communication as she and I talked a lot about our day before she went to bed.