Signs of bullying?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it is common to come back from college and realize there is a real world out there with people that you like. When you are in school you think the kids you see every day are the beginning and the end of the universe (especially when that is all you know K-12). You tolerate them at best and maybe have a few friends. Sure there are some kids that love it, but I think tolerating HS is more the norm.

My H works with teens and his consistent message is this is not the real world, work hard and get to college (or the working world) where you find "your world".

It takes years to realize those kids were just dumb kids and I don't think it is until you have your own kids you can actually have empathy for those kids (no matter how rich they are).

Just listen to your son's experience without judgement or advice, show empathy for what he went through. Let him know that he can and should be more open with you when he is not happy and it will happen again with work, etc.

I think this above reply is simply excellent advice.

[Anonymous]

I am just now learning how unhappy my DC was at a private mentioned frequently on this forum. I knew there were problems and took steps but it wasn't soon enough and the school didn't act on our concerns. If I had to do it all over I would have trusted my gut and yanked my kids out earlier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it is common to come back from college and realize there is a real world out there with people that you like. When you are in school you think the kids you see every day are the beginning and the end of the universe (especially when that is all you know K-12). You tolerate them at best and maybe have a few friends. Sure there are some kids that love it, but I think tolerating HS is more the norm.

My H works with teens and his consistent message is this is not the real world, work hard and get to college (or the working world) where you find "your world".

It takes years to realize those kids were just dumb kids and I don't think it is until you have your own kids you can actually have empathy for those kids (no matter how rich they are).

Just listen to your son's experience without judgement or advice, show empathy for what he went through. Let him know that he can and should be more open with you when he is not happy and it will happen again with work, etc.

That's a terrible message and is really not helpful.

First, telling someone the life they are living is not in the "real world" is crazy. yes, for that kid at that time the "real world" is their high school, etc. And second, I have found that the same things that the same social construct and the same situations continued all throughout life in slightly varied formats. So yes, high school was the "real world" and its better for adults to help kids navigate it in high school so they can extrapolate that to later years.

Haven't found this AT ALL. In no where but elementary and secondary school have I seen those kinds of cruel social hierarchies, teasing, and exclusion (and sometimes physical humiliations). I learned to navigate it, but non of those lessons are useful in the real world. That said, I am not sure if "just wait" is the best message. How about treat other people right!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it is common to come back from college and realize there is a real world out there with people that you like. When you are in school you think the kids you see every day are the beginning and the end of the universe (especially when that is all you know K-12). You tolerate them at best and maybe have a few friends. Sure there are some kids that love it, but I think tolerating HS is more the norm.

My H works with teens and his consistent message is this is not the real world, work hard and get to college (or the working world) where you find "your world".

It takes years to realize those kids were just dumb kids and I don't think it is until you have your own kids you can actually have empathy for those kids (no matter how rich they are).

Just listen to your son's experience without judgement or advice, show empathy for what he went through. Let him know that he can and should be more open with you when he is not happy and it will happen again with work, etc.

That's a terrible message and is really not helpful.

First, telling someone the life they are living is not in the "real world" is crazy. yes, for that kid at that time the "real world" is their high school, etc. And second, I have found that the same things that the same social construct and the same situations continued all throughout life in slightly varied formats. So yes, high school was the "real world" and its better for adults to help kids navigate it in high school so they can extrapolate that to later years.

No. It is not the real world. It is one very homogenous group of people. Every single aspect of HS is controlled. Kids sense that it is weird and restrictive and they "don't belong" but there is little that can be done in those 4 years. It is emotionally restrictive and often toxic but they can't get out. In the real world you can get out, move, change jobs, find a group of friends that you like. This is the private school forum so many can leave but in HS it is much harder especially after Sophomore year.

I don't need you to agree with me. You should read more about it though when you have such a strong opinion about something to ensure you actually know what you are talking about.

And every group thereafter you will come to a point where it is a homogenous group of people. We naturally segregate ourselves during our lifetime into groups we feel most comfortable with. There are many adults who are in situations where they feel they "don't belong". Just telling a high schooler over and over "well it's not the real world" isn't helpful. It is in fact the "real world" the high schooler is in at that moment. it's not make believe, they aren't pretending to go there, its not some fantasy they can opt out of. Teach kids to navigate the best way possible there and encourage them to branch out outside of school. In the future, high school is just replaced with "the office" and the same advice applies. Switching jobs isn't always an option and many adults stick it out for a while.

They might not belong, but they aren't being teased and mocked behind their backs (or to their faces). It just doesn't happen outside of school.

[Anonymous]

Bullying DOES happen outside of school. Our 12-year old DD just told me that a kid on her sports team who is 2 years older (DD plays up a level) threatened to beat her up if DD made any errors in playing. DD said she believed the teammate, but then saw that the teammate herself screwed up, so DD realized teammate, in reality, had little power. I am glad DD told me. I am glad DD was not actually harmed. I am also glad DD could handle this on her own, without getting the coach or team agitated. Life is full of such situations -- petty insults, people trying to act like they have power, people trying to take what others have, etc. The better your child is at handling that, the easier their lives will be.

[Anonymous]

PP here - BTW, there are Big 3 kids on the team in question. The threatening kid was not.

[Anonymous]

If you are in a small school, and there are few clusters/cliques (hate to use that word, I don't think the sub groups perceive themselves to be cliques) of subgroups, and someone says : don't include so and so, it's the kiss of social death. There is no other group to join.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are in a small school, and there are few clusters/cliques (hate to use that word, I don't think the sub groups perceive themselves to be cliques) of subgroups, and someone says : don't include so and so, it's the kiss of social death. There is no other group to join.

VERY TRUE and very much a problem in the smaller privates.

[Anonymous]

The word bullying now gets tossed around so much for pretty much anything that it has lost its meaning. People think that anytime someone does somethign they don't agree with or like that they are being bullied. Look at some of the threads on here...my neighbor invited one of my kids but not his younger brother to his birthday. The answer - this is bullying. No it isn't. Not being liked isn't bullying, not being invited or included in everything isn't bullying, someone saying an unkind, mean or disresepctful thing isn't bullying, not being friends with everyone isn't bullying. People can be not nice without it being bullying.

I have no idea if your son was actually bullied or he just thinks that everything negative about high school that he recalls must have been bullying because of how the term is now used.

[Anonymous]

Saying unkind and mean things, especially if part of a group addressing a solo person is bullying. And if someone told me my kid was being disrespectful to another - no matter what the grade, there would be a serious conversation going on. Everyone does not have to be friends, we don't all have to hang out after school but every kid is entitled to respect from their peers. If a kid says hi in the hallway, say hi back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you OP for this topic. It is very thought provoking for me.

+1

[Anonymous]

01:55-- your post perfectly demonstrates how bullying starts at home !

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are in a small school, and there are few clusters/cliques (hate to use that word, I don't think the sub groups perceive themselves to be cliques) of subgroups, and someone says : don't include so and so, it's the kiss of social death. There is no other group to join.

VERY TRUE and very much a problem in the smaller privates.

Yes, our son experienced this very thing. Social exclusion is a very painful experience ... Not sure if it is technically "bullying" but we removed him from the school after a few years of this situation and that decision proved to be a very good one. It was sad because we really loved the school, but you cannot control which kids will be in your child's cohort and there is really only so much that can be done to help with such small group dynamics.

[Anonymous]

Most colleges are a lot bigger than HS, so it may be that your kid found it more liberating to be himself, more people like him, more people that are open-minded. Whether the kid is popular or not in HS, I would tell that kid that this is fleating, and to look forward to college and beyond. That's not to say you don't have to enjoy HS. Just saying it's not everything so don't get wrapped up in it. I know this is hard for HS'ers to understand, but as parents, we really should encourage them to look beyond.

[Anonymous]

Sadly, HS is the pits for nearly everyone ... Even the happy students often figure out later that they really weren't all that happy. Fortunately, it is only four years of one's life. My heart always breaks for the young suicides ... They were so close to getting relief from their misery.