mom lives alone in another city -- concerned about her as she gets older

[Anonymous]

My 68 year old mother was widowed 6 years ago and lives about 6 hours away by car. She has no family where she lives, but she has many good friends. I am concerned about her well-being as she gets older. She recently was in a car accident (her fault)-- this was a wake-up call to both of us. I have tried to make steps toward having her move nearby. Understandably, she has mixed feelings:

- She doesn't like the increased cost of living in this area. (She can easily afford to live here. However, she has always lived very frugally.)
- She doesn't want the hassle of moving

Can anyone offer advice on what to do? I am worried that something terrible will happen 6 hours away, and she won't have enough help. I understand that a move can be a very long process. Thanks so much!

[Anonymous]

68 seems young to be worried about this unless you have reason to think she has earlier onset dementia or has significant physical health problems. We are going through this with my mom, but she is a still-independent 89! At 68, she would have been absolutely puzzled at any suggestion that she needed to be nearby because of health issues, etc. My mom, as I said, is still independent at 89, still drives, etc. BUT at 89, I do wish she lived closer to either my sister or me. It is a hard sell because she lives in a beautiful place with a lot of friends and activities.

Anyway - good luck!

[Anonymous]

PP here again - as far as the auto accident goes - do you feel this is age related (implying she has early onset cognitive problems)?

[Anonymous]

I can see pros and cons to moving.

In general, I think having a strong local support network is a good thing -- which to me is an argument *against* moving. Instead, maybe look at what supportive resources are available near her? Even if she doesn't need certain services now, knowing that they are available and how to access them would probably reassure you both.

Having said that, if you both feel that she'll have to move closer eventually, I would say better to move sooner rather than later -- again, because a strong local support network is a good thing. If she moves now, while she's still relatively vigorous, she'll have more time to build relationships that will help sustain her when she's older and potentially infirm.

My grandmother lived on her own, 9 hours away from her nearest kid, until she was 90. Then she had a stroke that put her in a wheelchair, and she moved to an assisted living facility near my mom.

It was really awful for both of them; my grandmother had always been a very social person, but she just wasn't up to making friends at the new place. Meanwhile, the network of friends who had been so helpful in her hometown didn't exist locally, so the entire burden for caring for her fell on my mom.

[Anonymous]

If eventually you will need her nearby to care for her (ie if you cannot go and spend weeks at a time with her when she needs it) try to get her to move sooner. That way she can build relationships while she is still mobile and healthy. It can be done from a distance, but is harder on the caregiver and the quality of care can be impacted. My experience is that frequent, short visits are best when health is really declining, and 15 min a day would be better than a few hours each weekend, when you need to keep an eye on things.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for your replies! It really helps to hear other people's experiences. Regarding the accident, it involved some inattention. She seems to be cognitively OK overall, though.

[Anonymous]

My mom moved here with us at 64 when she retired, but she really wanted to do it to be near the grandkids. It's been awesome having her close by so we can spend more time together. I will say that her life completely revolves around us -- she hasn't made any of her own friends in the two years that she's been here. She doesn't seem to mind that and keeps in close contact with her friends back home, flying back to see them or having them visit here.

[Anonymous]

My grandfather chose an assisted living / nursing facility in the town where he'd lived for thirty years over moving near either of his adult children, who were about two hours and seven hours away. He had friends, neighbors, church community...that mattered to him and sustained him.

In thinking of your mother's future, consider options in both places and compare them. Talk with your mom about how much you can reasonably do from afar, and whether she would find that enough, would rather hire some help or have you nearer. And think about how much you could do if she were near too. You might still have to hire help if you're still working full time as she needs assistance.

[Anonymous]

My grandmother lived on her own, 9 hours away from her nearest kid, until she was 90. Then she had a stroke that put her in a wheelchair, and she moved to an assisted living facility near my mom.

It was really awful for both of them; my grandmother had always been a very social person, but she just wasn't up to making friends at the new place. Meanwhile, the network of friends who had been so helpful in her hometown didn't exist locally, so the entire burden for caring for her fell on my mom

Thing is, PP, your grandmother likely would have had the same experience if she had gone to assisted living in her home town as opposed to near your mom. It's a move that is difficult and requires that you make new friends or be socially isolated. I don't think it's an argument for moving your parent closer to you when they are younger. Some people adjust better than others to assisted living and nursing home life.

[Anonymous]

I hired a nice high school girl to visit my mom twice a week. She goes over, they eat a snack, she does her homework, my mom teaches her to knit or play piano or cards or bake something, and then she goes home for dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

My grandmother lived on her own, 9 hours away from her nearest kid, until she was 90. Then she had a stroke that put her in a wheelchair, and she moved to an assisted living facility near my mom.

It was really awful for both of them; my grandmother had always been a very social person, but she just wasn't up to making friends at the new place. Meanwhile, the network of friends who had been so helpful in her hometown didn't exist locally, so the entire burden for caring for her fell on my mom

Thing is, PP, your grandmother likely would have had the same experience if she had gone to assisted living in her home town as opposed to near your mom. It's a move that is difficult and requires that you make new friends or be socially isolated. I don't think it's an argument for moving your parent closer to you when they are younger. Some people adjust better than others to assisted living and nursing home life.

In her specific case, I don't think so -- she lived in a small town, and she had been a teacher there for many years, and also very active as a political volunteer, and was just a big schmoozer in general, so she was recognized by a TON of people, many of them much younger than she was. She was used to being a big fish in a small pond, and she became a little fish in a big pond. She tried to schmooze when she first got to the assisted living place, but being legally blind, hard of hearing, and wheelchair bound really cramped her style.

Maybe none of that is applicable to OP's mom - but maybe some of it is, only she and her mom can make that call.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:68 seems young to be worried about this unless you have reason to think she has earlier onset dementia or has significant physical health problems. We are going through this with my mom, but she is a still-independent 89! At 68, she would have been absolutely puzzled at any suggestion that she needed to be nearby because of health issues, etc. My mom, as I said, is still independent at 89, still drives, etc. BUT at 89, I do wish she lived closer to either my sister or me. It is a hard sell because she lives in a beautiful place with a lot of friends and activities.

Anyway - good luck!

How old 68 is really depends on the person. Although she didn't have any major illnesses my mom (and my DH's parents for that matter) just seemed prematurely ready to act old. In my mom's case it's like she wants people to take care of her and it's been this way since her early 60s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:68 seems young to be worried about this unless you have reason to think she has earlier onset dementia or has significant physical health problems. We are going through this with my mom, but she is a still-independent 89! At 68, she would have been absolutely puzzled at any suggestion that she needed to be nearby because of health issues, etc. My mom, as I said, is still independent at 89, still drives, etc. BUT at 89, I do wish she lived closer to either my sister or me. It is a hard sell because she lives in a beautiful place with a lot of friends and activities.

Anyway - good luck!

How old 68 is really depends on the person. Although she didn't have any major illnesses my mom (and my DH's parents for that matter) just seemed prematurely ready to act old. In my mom's case it's like she wants people to take care of her and it's been this way since her early 60s.

Yeah, you are very lucky pp

[Anonymous]

In some communities there are aging in place programs.

If she has a bunch of friends in the area there may be oppportunities to explore if this is something that can be created as a community good

For example, making sure everyone has their walks shoveled / leaves picked up. Having freinds drive friends to the drs. Helping everyone with technology etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hired a nice high school girl to visit my mom twice a week. She goes over, they eat a snack, she does her homework, my mom teaches her to knit or play piano or cards or bake something, and then she goes home for dinner.

This is so sweet - fabulous idea!