Do I talk to my brother or not?

[Anonymous]

My brother got divorced about 4 years ago. It was a bad marriage with an impossible wife. We were all relieved when after 22 years they finally agreed it was not working (mutual decision). He is successful and accomplished, nice looking and rich. In other words a great catch.
He has started dating in the last few years. Up until last year no one seriously. Then he tells me he met someone he is crazy about but who is considerable younger (eye roll). He is in his 40's she is 27. She lives about 45 min away and they met professionally. Finally at a family function I got to meet her. I immediately sized her up as a controlling, and somewhat manipulative woman. She also appears to be full of herself, she is tall and attractive but kind of flaunts herself, she comes across overly confident. She was engaged until a few years ago and for whatever reason it didn't work out. She has him wrapped around her finger and he is all gaga over her. I just got a vibe, you know when that happens? My family is really proper so no one said a word but my mom finally told me she got the same impression.

Well.....he called me 3 days ago to announce she is moving in! I was shell shocked. I cannot believe it. His youngest is leaving for college in Aug. so I guess he feels that it's OK. I am sad over it as I just dont' like her and think she is out for his money. The question is do I speak my mind? Do i tell him what I have observed? She is so vastly different from his previous wife. The only good thing here is that she is really into fitness so has whipped him into running and exercising and taking really good care of his body. Besides that though I don't see this going anywhere, but obviously my brother feels differently. What to do?

[Anonymous]

and you didn't like his wife either, imagine that. myob.

[Anonymous]

He's happy. I would MYOB.

[Anonymous]

Here's what you say: "If you're happy, I'm happy."

And, truly, if he seems happy, let it go. If he seems unhappy, say once, "You seem unhappy. Is everything ok?"

But otherwise, let it play out. He's an adult.

[Anonymous]

So she's tall, attractive, and confident? The fact that you dislike her for that (and I'm guessing her age) just makes you sound petty and jealous.

Do you have any actual examples of how she's manipulative and controlling?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:and you didn't like his wife either, imagine that. myob.

she's vastly different than the ex-wife, but your still not satisfied.

[Anonymous]

No need to say anything unless he really asks for your advice.

[Anonymous]

i feel for you. I understand what it's like to dislike the significant other of your sibling. With that being said, you can't say anything unless he asks for your opinion. And in that case, you have to tread lightly.

Let your brother make his own mistakes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's what you say: "If you're happy, I'm happy."

And, truly, if he seems happy, let it go. If he seems unhappy, say once, "You seem unhappy. Is everything ok?"

But otherwise, let it play out. He's an adult.

Plus 1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:i feel for you. I understand what it's like to dislike the significant other of your sibling. With that being said, you can't say anything unless he asks for your opinion. And in that case, you have to tread lightly.

Let your brother make his own mistakes.

+1

And think back to when you were 27. Maybe part of her personality is really bravado in front of boyfriend's family/all older people. Give her an honest chance, and maybe she will relax and mature. In the meantime, be happy about your brother's spark.

[Anonymous]

Don't say anything. Unless you have proof she has bad intentions, there is nothing you can say that will be helpful. My brother married the pushy rebound woman after his divorce; I don't love her but he does, and they are mostly very happy together. You can't pick your siblings' spouses (or live-ins) but you can try to preserve a decent relationship with them, irrespective of who they are dating.

[Anonymous]

He's liking sex with a 27 yo who is into fitness. Maybe they'll get engaged. Maybe they'll break up. You should stay out of it.

[Anonymous]

I love how she says her brother's wife was "impossible." As if he was a perfect angel.

I wonder if this "proper" family contributed to any marital strife? If so, they will likely do it with his new GF.

[Anonymous]

OP,

What if they love each other and are happy together?

I married a man 18 years older than I, and not for his money. I too was the younger, fitter addition to the family, and even though one of my SILs felt obviously iffy about me, they were all charming and polite. I love them all, except that one SIL, whom I still respect and admire.

Even if your gut feeling ends up being right, and they break up, there are no children here to be traumatized (yet!), and they are both adults. Please don't meddle without proof that she is doing something blatantly wrong and try to be open-minded.

[Anonymous]

My brother is divorced, in his 40s, and has had a few girlfriends since then. I don't really like his current girlfriend, but I'm not the one who has to sleep with her, so it doesn't really matter.

If you had said he's repeating dysfunctional behavior that he had with his ex, I might gently say something, out of concern. But an entirely different woman? Sounds like it could be a good thing for him.

And I will just say from experience that while your brother may immediately fall head over heels for her , it's totally normal and OK for it to take some time for the rest of his family, including you, to warm up to someone who's basically a stranger. You may find out you have things in common, or at least can hold a conversation.

Hope they are mind to one another and wish them the best.