Emotional control-- how to teach and how much to expect

[Anonymous]

My DD is 8. When she gets tired and grumpy her demeanor and attitude are terrible. While this is understandable, and I'm not at my best when I'm tired or in a bad mood, we would like to teach her that we expect her to maintain some basic manners. She will grunt instead of use words, refuse to be polite to adults and other things that we find unacceptable. Are we asking too much emotional control of an 8 year old? I don't think so, but she's an only child and we can't compare. We want her to know that it's normal to be in a bad mood sometimes, but that it's not acceptable to take it out on other people. I was raised in a family where it felt like we weren't allowed to be in a bad mood, so I have always wanted to teach her that it's normal and okay sometimes, but that our behavior shouldn't be needlessly obnoxious, bratty, etc.

Are we asking too much of an 8 year old or too little? Any tips on how to teach emotional control at this age in a way that also lets her know that it's safe to be herself and to express her real emotions to us?

[Anonymous]

That is really hard. I have an 8 year old only child too, and he acts grumpy at times too, and it can drive us crazy! When my son gets in one of these moods I usually ignore it, but if he starts taking it out on us (my husband or me) I tell him to go to his room until he feels better. I'm not saying this is the best way to handle it, but this is what I do.

I don't think you are expecting too much out of her, but I'm like you and don't have anything to compare it to.

[Anonymous]

I think eight is old enough for her to start trying. And the way you put it is perfect--it's normal to be in a bad mood sometimes, but there are good ways and bad ways to express that. Being rude is not a good way. When she's not grumpy, talk about good ways to deal--asking for a hug, or telling people that you are tired and need to be alone or rest or whatever, or asking for a snack if she's really hungry, etc. Don't just tell her what not to do--help her figure out constructive ways to handle it. Praise her when she does them, remind her when she doesn't, and impose appropriate consequences when she is rude. And when you impose consequences, be explicit--"I know you're tired, but it's still not okay to be rude." Whenever possible, try to have the consequences include a solution to the underlying problem--"I see that you're too tired to behave well right now. So, instead of playing the game with everyone/having dessert with us/going to the movie we planned, you need to go to your room and rest."

[Anonymous]

Was raised the same way, am highly emotional, and my son has inherited my intense feelings. He's 7. So his feelings all show, all the time. Happy, sad, angry, grumpy, etc.

I've always told him you can feel anything you want and that's perfectly fine. But what you "do" with those feelings matters. He can be angry but he can't call me names. He can be grumpy but still has to use nice words. I've taught him to say, "I'm mad and don't want to talk right now." And I give him space.

If he's rude, I remind him that while I understand he's understandably feeling out of sorts (grumpy) from not sleeping well, he still needs to speak nicely. And honestly I still model words and phrases for him. He gets it. And he's much better at emotional regulation now. If he feels his feelings are acknowledged and validated, he's more likely to act in appropriate ways. And he's learning to get himself in a better mood now, too.

[Anonymous]

Great advice above. We've always distinguished between "feelings" and "behavior" in our house, and I think it's helped guide DD in the right direction.

We're clear in our house that it's ok to feel anything at all -- happy, sad, angry, excited, worried, annoyed, grateful, resentful, tired, bored etc. There are no bad feelings. They just come and go during the day, and we don't need to control or manage them, though it's helpful sometimes to check in and notice them as they pop up.

On the other hand, behavior is something we all need to manage and control. Behavior is a choice. It's how we act. There are good behaviors and bad behaviors. Acceptable behaviors and unacceptable behaviors. And we all work hard in our house to choose good behaviors -- actions that are kind, considerate, thoughtful, or at the least, not offensive to others.

Because of all this, there are no consequences for having feelings -- even the difficult ones. But there are consequences for poor behavior. Even DH and I call ourselves out (and apologize) when we're short/snippy/rude or when we act thoughtlessly or inconsiderately. We also try to help DD understand why we are behaving that way. Perhaps we're tired, worn down by X, Y or Z, or just plain woke up in a bad mood. We try to help her understand the link between feelings and behavior without excusing ourselves for our lapses. Sometimes we can pull all that off. Other times we can't.

Anyway, DD is now 6 and she absolutely understands all this. She also gets that certain feelings make it more likely she (and we) will choose poor behavior (or will not be careful enough to choose good behavior). And while she doesn't get it right all the time, she's definitely getting much better. As are we. And I think it helps that we can usually address disappointing/rude behavior without attacking character or even feelings. It's just a choice of behavior, and as her preschool teacher used to say, "It's never too late to have a good day."

As for how much consistency to expect at age 8, I can't really say. I know our 6 year old is improving with time, which is about the most I hope for at this point. GL.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you all for the insightful and thoughtful comments. I really appreciate them and will put these ideas to use.

[Anonymous]

I think you should look into making sure this isn't about blood sugar - when she's grouchy, try refusing to speak to her until she eats some cheese or a granola bar (one with nuts). If she perks up after the eating, then you consider this information about her body: Train her to monitor how she feels and require that she eat when a) you tell her to, or b) when it has been too long (healthy things).

She can control her behavior by controlling her body.

Or, it may turn out that she just needs more control. But, it really is too much to ask an 8 year old with low blood sugar to be all that lovely.