Reply to Emotional control-- how to teach and how much to expect

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[quote=Anonymous]Great advice above. We've always distinguished between "feelings" and "behavior" in our house, and I think it's helped guide DD in the right direction.

We're clear in our house that it's ok to feel anything at all -- happy, sad, angry, excited, worried, annoyed, grateful, resentful, tired, bored etc.  There are no bad feelings.  They just come and go during the day, and we don't need to control or manage them, though it's helpful sometimes to check in and notice them as they pop up.

On the other hand, behavior is something we all need to manage and control.  Behavior is a choice.  It's how we act.  There are good behaviors and bad behaviors.  Acceptable behaviors and unacceptable behaviors.  And we all work hard in our house to choose good behaviors -- actions that are kind, considerate, thoughtful, or at the least, not offensive to others.

Because of all this, there are no consequences for having feelings -- even the difficult ones.  But there are consequences for poor behavior.  Even DH and I call ourselves out (and apologize) when we're short/snippy/rude or when we act thoughtlessly or inconsiderately.  We also try to help DD understand why we are behaving that way.  Perhaps we're tired, worn down by X, Y or Z, or just plain woke up in a bad mood.  We try to help her understand the link between feelings and behavior without excusing ourselves for our lapses.  Sometimes we can pull all that off.  Other times we can't.  :-)

Anyway, DD is now 6 and she absolutely understands all this.  She also gets that certain feelings make it more likely she (and we) will choose poor behavior (or will not be careful enough to choose good behavior).  And while she doesn't get it right all the time, she's definitely getting much better.  As are we.  :-)   And I think it helps that we can usually address disappointing/rude behavior without attacking character or even feelings.  It's just a choice of behavior, and as her preschool teacher used to say, "It's never too late to have a good day."

As for how much consistency to expect at age 8, I can't really say.  I know our 6 year old is improving with time, which is about the most I hope for at this point.  GL.[/quote]

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