Mil drama- now she told dh to leave me

[Anonymous]

Recently, my mil came into town for a month long visit. Long story short, she always disrespects me, causes drama in our household and is just unbearable. Well, most recently, while my dh and I were at work, she stopped at our house and picked our 13 year old daughter up and kept her out all day and evening. I was upset over this cause she didnt previously discuss with me or dh about doing this. In the interim, I told both my daughter and mil that they need to respect both me and dh and ask permission and let's us know what thier plans are instead of just doing as they please without informing us. This caused a huge argument between me, mil, and dh. The next day dh and I were arguing via text while at work. I was morse so arguing because I felt dh didn't stick up for me again against mil. Anyhow when I got home that day from work, I found out my mil stopped at the house went through dh's phone, read all the texts between me and dh, got totally mad and left taking his phone with her. She then went and shared mine and DH conversations with other family.Mind you me and dh are almost 40 and have been married almost 14 years now. Dh wasn't even a bit upset that his mom took phone, read our conversations, etc. Later that evening, dh went to see his mom and get his phone back. His mom and step father then told him that I'm an awful person, not welcomed at their house and went on to tell him how he should leave me! Ugh!! This not only outrages me but the entire situation makes me sick in so many ways. I'm so Tirerd of his mom butting in, disrespecting me etc. Now the first time I speak up in 14 years to mil, this is the wrath I deal with. Mil in town still and will be for another three weeks...... What to do?

[Anonymous]

MIL needs to go home.

You and DH need to figure out your crap between the two of you.

[Anonymous]

Keep you kid out of it.

[Anonymous]

Your MIL completely violated the norms of decency by reading private texts. Then she became a psycho by sharing them with others. That entire behavior is so outrageous it's hard to believe. Why was your husband's phone at home? Tell him to use a password to lock his phone from now on.

Why doesn't that bother your husband? Doesn't he see himself as a grown man, one who has a private and independent relationship with a spouse??

Talk again to your daughter separately, and let her know that whatever fun outing she and grandma plan, she has to let you know beforehand. (Does your DD have her own phone?)

You and DH need to solve your fight and then get on the sane page as far as what you expect from MIL. Is she staying with you? (You said she "stopped by your house."). When you are no longer angry, maybe just talk to her and say that you two clearly have disagreements, but how can we move forward for the sake of DD and peace?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like Mama Joyce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MIL needs to go home.

You and DH need to figure out your crap between the two of you.

+1. She's deliberately undermining you with both your own child and your husband. I think you should tell your DH that you and your daughter are going for a vacation together unless his MIL leaves. It is unacceptable that she stays in your house anymore after provoking you with the stunt with YOUR CHILD, stole his phone, and blabbed your private correspondences to the whole family.

[Anonymous]

Dh is the bigger problem here than psycho MIL.

[Anonymous]

I understand wanting to know your child's plans for the day. However, your MIL hardly kidnapped her. When you say "stayed out all night", you clearly don't mean "ALL NIGHT." If I got home and my 13 year old was nowhere to be found and I couldn't get in touch with her, I would be calling the cops, not having a text message argument about it with my husband.

To me, it seems like you are making a big deal about something that is not the biggest deal ever. It sounds like you are frustrated by what you perceive as years of disrespect and are projecting that frustration onto this one situation. The result is that it looks like a big overreaction and your family thinks you're nuts.

You need to have a conversation with your husband about how you feel about his mom's behavior. It's about more than this one incident, and you should have a reasonable expectation that the conversations you have with your husband privately remain private. That said, there is really not a lot that can be done about the phone theft at this point. He got the phone back, and presumably when she said "LEAVE THAT CRAZY WOMAN", he told her no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dh is the bigger problem here than psycho MIL.

+1000 It takes a lot of courage to stand up to a MIL without your husband's support.

[Anonymous]

Your primary problem is with your husband. I'd focus on that exclusively and immediately at this point.

[Anonymous]

Take MIL out of the equation. This is between you and your husband.

Also, stop "arguing" over text messages. That is never a good way to communicate. If you're upset, then walk away from the phone and wait until you can speak in person.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the PPs.

You need to stop engaging in this manner with your MIL. You're arguing with her, negotiating with her, etc actually tells her that she has some right to be involved.

You tell your daughter she cannot leave or do things without notifying/getting permission from her parents. PERIOD. You cannot control your MIL, but your daughter needs to listen to you and there can be consequences if she doesn't.

And yes, stop arguing in text messages. Your husband knows his mother is out of line. But he is embarrassed and confused. It's easier to talk to you than it is to tell his mom off. So he's going to take it out on you.

Don't load every conversation up with name calling, villifying, or years of accusations. Address immediate situations, set ground rules for next time, and move forward.

[Anonymous]

9:37 here. Also who care if your she told your husband to leave you? She is obviously a crazy drama queen. If you engage with this stuff, you're just going to make him take her seriously. Roll your eyes and talk to your husband.

[Anonymous]

This would be a travesty, if I believed you, which I do not.

[Anonymous]

You and DH need to be on the same page.

Who decided MIL could come for a month? From your description of her, it sounds like she decided for herself.

It will cause major fireworks, but you should send MIL home and then work things out with DH. What you said she has done is completely inappropriate behavior even for a teenager. Get the problem out of your house so you and DH can work things out in private.