Mil drama- now she told dh to leave me

[Anonymous]

Why is the MIL capable of getting into your house? Lock your freaking doors when you leave!

[Anonymous]

I don't get how your MIL got into your house without you or DH home? Also, why on earth did your DH leave his phone home? Anyway, I have a MIL somewhat like yours. She hates me. She has, on more than one occasion told DH to leave me. He tells me this, and that he tells her to stay out of it. IF he didn't say anything to defend me I would be leaving him in a New York, minute. This is how I handle MIL. I NEVER speak to her unless she is visiting or we are visiting her. Visits are 2x a year at most. I keep the convo short and surface oriented (weather etc.). I never say anything mean to her (although I think it constantly). I get through the visits. She is not allowed to be alone with my children (because her judgement is questionable). Also, MIL does not have a key to my house (even when she is visiting. She is let in/out by me or DH).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like Mama Joyce.

Haha. +1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand wanting to know your child's plans for the day. However, your MIL hardly kidnapped her. When you say "stayed out all night", you clearly don't mean "ALL NIGHT." If I got home and my 13 year old was nowhere to be found and I couldn't get in touch with her, I would be calling the cops, not having a text message argument about it with my husband.

To me, it seems like you are making a big deal about something that is not the biggest deal ever. It sounds like you are frustrated by what you perceive as years of disrespect and are projecting that frustration onto this one situation. The result is that it looks like a big overreaction and your family thinks you're nuts.

You need to have a conversation with your husband about how you feel about his mom's behavior. It's about more than this one incident, and you should have a reasonable expectation that the conversations you have with your husband privately remain private. That said, there is really not a lot that can be done about the phone theft at this point. He got the phone back, and presumably when she said "LEAVE THAT CRAZY WOMAN", he told her no.

OMG, this poster is clearly from an unhealthy family so does not recognize unhealthy when she sees it (just like OP's DH...). It is not rational to pick up someone's minor child and take them out of the house for hours without telling (asking even?) the parents or whoever else is in charge of them. That is just common sense and a saftey precaution, AND something the DD should already know.

DH thinks this craziness is normal (like this PP) because he was raised in it. This is NOT normal behavior. I agree with the PP that the MIL is doing everything she can to undermine OP with her own child and DH. There are nasty, evil people in the world who make it their business to do things like this and MIL is one of them.

OP, no advice but I totally get why you are upset. Your MIL is in the wrong and your DH should be standing up for you and his marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is the MIL capable of getting into your house? Lock your freaking doors when you leave!

DD was there.

[Anonymous]

Agree with the PPs that you have a DH problem, not so much a psycho MIL problem. What I'm wondering is why your DH felt the need to tell you that his parents told him to leave you. Why did he feel the need to relay their rantings? Your DH needs a 'come to Jesus meeting' about his role in all this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with the PPs that you have a DH problem, not so much a psycho MIL problem. What I'm wondering is why your DH felt the need to tell you that his parents told him to leave you. Why did he feel the need to relay their rantings? Your DH needs a 'come to Jesus meeting' about his role in all this.

Because he was raised by MIL. He thinks all this is normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand wanting to know your child's plans for the day. However, your MIL hardly kidnapped her. When you say "stayed out all night", you clearly don't mean "ALL NIGHT." If I got home and my 13 year old was nowhere to be found and I couldn't get in touch with her, I would be calling the cops, not having a text message argument about it with my husband.

To me, it seems like you are making a big deal about something that is not the biggest deal ever. It sounds like you are frustrated by what you perceive as years of disrespect and are projecting that frustration onto this one situation. The result is that it looks like a big overreaction and your family thinks you're nuts.

You need to have a conversation with your husband about how you feel about his mom's behavior. It's about more than this one incident, and you should have a reasonable expectation that the conversations you have with your husband privately remain private. That said, there is really not a lot that can be done about the phone theft at this point. He got the phone back, and presumably when she said "LEAVE THAT CRAZY WOMAN", he told her no.

OMG, this poster is clearly from an unhealthy family so does not recognize unhealthy when she sees it (just like OP's DH...). It is not rational to pick up someone's minor child and take them out of the house for hours without telling (asking even?) the parents or whoever else is in charge of them. That is just common sense and a saftey precaution, AND something the DD should already know.

DH thinks this craziness is normal (like this PP) because he was raised in it. This is NOT normal behavior. I agree with the PP that the MIL is doing everything she can to undermine OP with her own child and DH. There are nasty, evil people in the world who make it their business to do things like this and MIL is one of them.

OP, no advice but I totally get why you are upset. Your MIL is in the wrong and your DH should be standing up for you and his marriage.

PP here. Family's perfectly healthy, thanks. I think it's also worth pointing out that the child in question is 13, not 3. Why has that child not been taught to ask permission before leaving the house with someone? I'd love to hear when/under what circumstances the kid came back to the house. My guess is that MIL and DD thought that "going on a grandma/granddaughter date in the middle of the day while parents were at work" was not a huge deal and that a large part of the MIL's reaction is motivated by that.

I'm not saying that it's NOT a big deal. I actually think it's a huge deal. I just think it's a bigger deal than these specific incidents because the OP mentions a pattern of disrespect. If I was in her situation, I would be focusing on the pattern, and on teaching my daughter not to leave the house with anyone, even family, without permission, and on my husband - NOT fixating on the inappropriate behavior of the MIL.

[Anonymous]

OP,

The truth is, if you can't be a team with DH against all and sundry, then you might be better off divorcing. You can't win if your spouse takes his parents' side against you!

So, is it salvageable? What is DH prepared to do?
If he can but agree to let you run the heavy artillery and put your foot down against MIL, then it's still fine. You'll be the bad cop, but you'll get your way. If he can elevate his efforts to actually speaking up and enforcing boundaries himself, then even better. But he has to put his nuclear family first at all events.

I would go to a therapist with DH to help him understand why and how to draw boundaries with his parents. It will also be a forum where you can discuss sensitive things with a neutral third-party. Crucial in every way.

Personal perspective: I can totally see my mother doing what your MIL did. Actually she has told me I need to leave DH! My solution is to limit contact and non-critical information. When we do visit, DH and I have a NATO-like mutual defense agreement! We back each other up whenever my mother attacks any of us, or the children. It's the only way to survive such an obnoxious family member.

[Anonymous]

Send your MIL home. Her visit is over.
Change the locks on your house so she can't just show up and go through your things.
Update the "approved for pick up" list at your DD's school so Grandma's not on the list and alert the school's front off that you need to be called if she just shows up unannounced to pick up your child and if you can't be reached, DD's not to be released to grandma.

Then, set aside some serious time to work through this with your husband. He married you and made a family with you. You & he need to be jointly making decisions about who's welcome in your house, what behavior you tolerate from guests in your home, and parenting decisions.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the other posters. You have a DH problem and if he can't address the boundary limits with your MIL, YOU should divorce HIM.

No other woman is going to put up with such a meddling MIL, so he can fix it now with you or be alone in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like Mama Joyce.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
I am on the floor laughing -- AT WORK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Anonymous]

Baby you have a DH problem.
DEAR HUSBAND PROBLEM
Wash, Repeat, Rinse.
You two need counseling.
In the meantime, I would suggest not having arguments over text.
It is one thing to bicker about what to fix for dinner, but text is not a way to resolve a deep seated issue such as what you are dealing with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand wanting to know your child's plans for the day. However, your MIL hardly kidnapped her. When you say "stayed out all night", you clearly don't mean "ALL NIGHT." If I got home and my 13 year old was nowhere to be found and I couldn't get in touch with her, I would be calling the cops, not having a text message argument about it with my husband.

To me, it seems like you are making a big deal about something that is not the biggest deal ever. It sounds like you are frustrated by what you perceive as years of disrespect and are projecting that frustration onto this one situation. The result is that it looks like a big overreaction and your family thinks you're nuts.

You need to have a conversation with your husband about how you feel about his mom's behavior. It's about more than this one incident, and you should have a reasonable expectation that the conversations you have with your husband privately remain private. That said, there is really not a lot that can be done about the phone theft at this point. He got the phone back, and presumably when she said "LEAVE THAT CRAZY WOMAN", he told her no.

OMG, this poster is clearly from an unhealthy family so does not recognize unhealthy when she sees it (just like OP's DH...). It is not rational to pick up someone's minor child and take them out of the house for hours without telling (asking even?) the parents or whoever else is in charge of them. That is just common sense and a saftey precaution, AND something the DD should already know.

DH thinks this craziness is normal (like this PP) because he was raised in it. This is NOT normal behavior. I agree with the PP that the MIL is doing everything she can to undermine OP with her own child and DH. There are nasty, evil people in the world who make it their business to do things like this and MIL is one of them.

OP, no advice but I totally get why you are upset. Your MIL is in the wrong and your DH should be standing up for you and his marriage.

PP here. Family's perfectly healthy, thanks. I think it's also worth pointing out that the child in question is 13, not 3. Why has that child not been taught to ask permission before leaving the house with someone? I'd love to hear when/under what circumstances the kid came back to the house. My guess is that MIL and DD thought that "going on a grandma/granddaughter date in the middle of the day while parents were at work" was not a huge deal and that a large part of the MIL's reaction is motivated by that.

I'm not saying that it's NOT a big deal. I actually think it's a huge deal. I just think it's a bigger deal than these specific incidents because the OP mentions a pattern of disrespect. If I was in her situation, I would be focusing on the pattern, and on teaching my daughter not to leave the house with anyone, even family, without permission, and on my husband - NOT fixating on the inappropriate behavior of the MIL.

Sorry, I don't understand what the big deal is here. The DD is 13 and there's nothing in the post that suggests she was missing school or hanging out with grandma at the racetrack or something. Has MIL done other things in the past that make OP not trust her judgment? An impromptu grandma date doesn't seem like cause for hellfire imo. If I came home and DD wasn't there as I expected, I would be surprised. If I couldn't figure out where she was with a phone call or two, I would be worried and then annoyed once I figured it out. But this is family. My family is part of raising my kids.

I do agree that OP needs to work this out with DH first. Ask him if he thinks you're overreacting and go from there. He gets a say too, and if you guys disagree on this, probably best to start by hashing that out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand wanting to know your child's plans for the day. However, your MIL hardly kidnapped her. When you say "stayed out all night", you clearly don't mean "ALL NIGHT." If I got home and my 13 year old was nowhere to be found and I couldn't get in touch with her, I would be calling the cops, not having a text message argument about it with my husband.

To me, it seems like you are making a big deal about something that is not the biggest deal ever. It sounds like you are frustrated by what you perceive as years of disrespect and are projecting that frustration onto this one situation. The result is that it looks like a big overreaction and your family thinks you're nuts.

You need to have a conversation with your husband about how you feel about his mom's behavior. It's about more than this one incident, and you should have a reasonable expectation that the conversations you have with your husband privately remain private. That said, there is really not a lot that can be done about the phone theft at this point. He got the phone back, and presumably when she said "LEAVE THAT CRAZY WOMAN", he told her no.

Wow. OP is the crazy one? Are you a current or future over attached mom to adult son? DH here with crazy mom and If my mom ever pulled that shit (reading a private convo and then taking my fucking phone?!) her ass would be on the street and it would be a long time and several apologies and other amends making before she set foot in our house again. That is absolutely unacceptable and horrible behavior. So many boundaries crossed I don't even know where to start

OP your momma's boy husband needs to nut up and back you on this. And you need to explain to your daughter in a calm emotionless manner that grandma has a personality disorder and until gma can show she understands and respects boundaries she won't be in contact with any of you.