MIL in denial?

[Anonymous]

Just saw my in-laws and am just so sad because I feel like MIL is in complete denial about DH's brother, who has mental health problems. He recently met a woman online who has mental illness--she has been committed in the past and is admittedly suicidal; she is open about this--and has decided he will probably move in with her. (They live several states away currently; he has just gone to visit and it's going "well.") Neither one of them works--both are on SSI/disability--and she has a child she no longer has custody of. MIL just visited BIL and say's he's "looking good" (I see him on FB and he looks rather unwell to me) and she hopes this new relationship will help him "on his path." Don't I think so? she wants to know. I have no idea what to say. This issue with BIL has been ongoing for years; DH has tried to discuss this with his parents but no success--FIL basically says nothing and MIL just tries to be "positive" about his "situation." (Everything in quotes is the language MIL uses.)

Do I just smile, nod, and keep my moth shut? I love my IL's and don't want to hurt them. I cant possibly understand the position they are in.

[Anonymous]

Yes you smile and nod and allow her to have hope. What on earth positive would come out of trying to destroy that hope. If at some point BIL needs something or is in danger, then you might have a reason to say something. But for God's sake, let his mother have hope.

[Anonymous]

Yes you smile and nod and allow her to have hope. What on earth positive would come out of trying to destroy that hope. If at some point BIL needs something or is in danger, then you might have a reason to say something. But for God's sake, let his mother have hope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes you smile and nod and allow her to have hope. What on earth positive would come out of trying to destroy that hope. If at some point BIL needs something or is in danger, then you might have a reason to say something. But for God's sake, let his mother have hope.

I don't know that I agree with this. OP is part of the family now and has a right to try to break this cycle of denial, which is not doing anyone any good and could be enabling a lot of what is going on here. OP, I think you take your cues from DH -- sounds like he is willing to discuss it, so why can't you too express some concern? "Of course we all HOPE that everything will work out just fine, but I am worried about him." What's wrong with that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes you smile and nod and allow her to have hope. What on earth positive would come out of trying to destroy that hope. If at some point BIL needs something or is in danger, then you might have a reason to say something. But for God's sake, let his mother have hope.

I don't know that I agree with this. OP is part of the family now and has a right to try to break this cycle of denial, which is not doing anyone any good and could be enabling a lot of what is going on here. OP, I think you take your cues from DH -- sounds like he is willing to discuss it, so why can't you too express some concern? "Of course we all HOPE that everything will work out just fine, but I am worried about him." What's wrong with that?

Thanks. OP here. I've been with my DH for more than 15 years, and I've known my BIL since he was 16. It's gotten steadily worse since he was in his early 20s. I think they feel they've tried everything, and I'm reluctant to criticize them, but I think they made some major mistakes with dealing with this early on and that makes them feel guilty. They have enabled him endlessly and still are. They give him money. When he does make a few bucks, it goes toward discretionary stuff like visiting his new girlfriend--never toward rent or food or his phone or computer. It's a mess. We struggled with visiting last Christmas when BIL was at ILs and ultimately decided not to go--BIL has anger issues and mood swings too scary to expose kids to. The thing is DH told ILs he had to work instead of telling them the real reason--so I don't think they fully understand how worried we are. Sucks because SILs were there to (neither has kids) and we would have liked to have seen them. It's just sad all around.

[Anonymous]

Realistically, what are you hoping for?
You can't burst her bubble and/or seek intervention on your BIL without a plan that has a good chance of working.

The mentally ill brother can't cure himself, you know. He will in all probability always fall for someone unsuitable, or land in a untenable situation. It's extremely difficult and painful to try to protect these people from themselves.

My friend is in therapy to deal with her mentally fragile (addicted/suicidal) sister, who has a drug dealer boyfriend who shows up from time to time! The fragile sibling has an allowance from the family, but they still have to intervene every now and then when the money doesn't spent on rent and the landlord threatens eviction. Guess how it's spent...

There is no magic bullet, OP. I suspect your poor MIL is far from delusional, but just trying to cope so that she doesn't go crazy herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Realistically, what are you hoping for?
You can't burst her bubble and/or seek intervention on your BIL without a plan that has a good chance of working.

The mentally ill brother can't cure himself, you know. He will in all probability always fall for someone unsuitable, or land in a untenable situation. It's extremely difficult and painful to try to protect these people from themselves.

My friend is in therapy to deal with her mentally fragile (addicted/suicidal) sister, who has a drug dealer boyfriend who shows up from time to time! The fragile sibling has an allowance from the family, but they still have to intervene every now and then when the money doesn't spent on rent and the landlord threatens eviction. Guess how it's spent...

There is no magic bullet, OP. I suspect your poor MIL is far from delusional, but just trying to cope so that she doesn't go crazy herself.

Thanks. I know you're right on these points. I guess what I'm hoping for is that BIL can get the help he needs to be well and happy. It is very painful to watch him go from unhelpful or damaging situation to another. How long can he do this before something happens? I worry about him.

[Anonymous]

"I think he looks all right, don't you?"

Options:
"For him, maybe, but that's not saying much."

"No, I don't think I have seen much improvement."

"What? Hmm, *subject change*"

"Gosh, I don't know, I hid his Facebook feed because I couldn't take it anymore."

"Oh, don't ask me, DH, what do you think?"

[Anonymous]

^^i just caught that DH didn't say why you weren't coming for Christmas. That is just another round of enabling that needs to stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^i just caught that DH didn't say why you weren't coming for Christmas. That is just another round of enabling that needs to stop.

Okay Sherlock, how would you handle this situation? Given this response, I doubt you are in similar situation to OP.

[Anonymous]

I don't think there is anything wrong with expressing concern and saying, "I am worried about him". You don't have to elaborate, and I would change the conversation if your MIL becomes defensive. You can bet your MIL and FIL have worried about him nearly every day of his life since puberty or before.

I am further down this journey with a bi-polar SIL. My FIL passed about 10 years ago, and MIL now has dementia. I would work hard at continuing a relationship with your husband's sister. She and your husband will need to be a united front in decisionmaking at some point.

I would try and show compassion to your IL's and always remember that with an adult who is not harming themselves or others there is very little help to get if they don't want it. Mistakes were certainly made in hindsight, but the course of your BIL's life would likely have been no different. Sad, but true.

Can you not visit at all at Christmas? What about staying at a hotel and seeing your family briefly. We also went through times avoiding my husband's family, because we just did not want to deal with it all. In hindsight, this was likely a mistake. I just can not emphasize enough how important it is to keep up good relationships with everyone else in the family. It will make decisionmaking about your in-laws living situation as they age easier and then figuring out how to support the brother once parents are not able to.

[Anonymous]

Agree with the smile and nod crowd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^i just caught that DH didn't say why you weren't coming for Christmas. That is just another round of enabling that needs to stop.

Okay Sherlock, how would you handle this situation? Given this response, I doubt you are in similar situation to OP.

Hardly, actually. Not this bad, but I have some experience with severe mental illness in the family. It came to a head this year, with my relative losing his home to the illness, and speaking openly about his condition among family was necessary to getting him help.

OP's DH does his parents no favors in withholding the truth from them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^i just caught that DH didn't say why you weren't coming for Christmas. That is just another round of enabling that needs to stop.

Okay Sherlock, how would you handle this situation? Given this response, I doubt you are in similar situation to OP.

Hardly, actually. Not this bad, but I have some experience with severe mental illness in the family. It came to a head this year, with my relative losing his home to the illness, and speaking openly about his condition among family was necessary to getting him help.

OP's DH does his parents no favors in withholding the truth from them.

Thanks all. I should mention--DH has tried to discuss this with them. DH last November actually called his parents and said directly, Look--I think this is more serious than we have thought. I think he has undiagnosed mental illness. BIL's behavior has always been erratic, and MIL acknowledges his mood swings and anger issues, as well as his inability to have a life. But with DH being so direct, his mom cried, dad said nothing, and they have not mentioned it since. I think DH was hoping they could formulate a plan about helping BIL, but they were not receptive to discussing it further. So when Christmas came, I think he has part sad, part disgusted, and just didn't think it would make any difference. So when we saw them recently, and MIL was so...sunny is the only way to describe it...we were just floored. DH just looked at me and got up from table. Our kids were there so that was not the time to broach. I love DH, ILs, and BIL--I don't know how much to say.

[Anonymous]

It looks like you and your husband are going to be on a bumpy ride with your MIL. She definitely is in denial and the more that you and your husband try to give her a reality check, the more she ignores the discussion.

The fact that your in-laws are encouraging your BIL's new dating situation is troubling. Now they will be dealing with "two" unstable people and your BIL's financial problems will probably escalate twofold as he will likely need extra money to date her and also "help her out" if she, too, has financial troubles--not to mention the potential for pregnancy.

Avoiding your in-laws sometimes is probably what your husband will need to do because being exposed to that kind of enabling by your MIL must be extremely frustrating.

Also, her "sunny" disposition is just false hope, not real hope since she probably has convinced herself that a relationship, or a good job, etc. will cure him; that won't happen if what he really needs is professional treatment.