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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Yes you smile and nod and allow her to have hope. What on earth positive would come out of trying to destroy that hope. If at some point BIL needs something or is in danger, then you might have a reason to say something. But for God's sake, let his mother have hope. [/quote]

I don't know that I agree with this. OP is part of the family now and has a right to try to break this cycle of denial, which is not doing anyone any good and could be enabling a lot of what is going on here. OP, I think you take your cues from DH -- sounds like he is willing to discuss it, so why can't you too express some concern? "Of course we all HOPE that everything will work out just fine, but I am worried about him."  What's wrong with that?[/quote]

Thanks. OP here. I've been with my DH for more than 15 years, and I've known my BIL since he was 16. It's gotten steadily worse since he was in his early 20s. I think they feel they've tried everything, and I'm reluctant to criticize them, but I think they made some major mistakes with dealing with this early on and that makes them feel guilty. They have enabled him endlessly and still are. They give him money. When he does make a few bucks, it goes toward discretionary stuff like visiting his new girlfriend--never toward rent or food or his phone or computer. It's a mess. We struggled with visiting last Christmas when BIL was at ILs and ultimately decided not to go--BIL has anger issues and mood swings too scary to expose kids to. The thing is DH told ILs he had to work instead of telling them the real reason--so I don't think they fully understand how worried we are. Sucks because SILs were there to (neither has kids) and we would have liked to have seen them. It's just sad all around.[/quote]

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