Beginning the adoption process
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Anonymous
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I have a 3.5 year old child and it doesn't seem that I'll be able to carry a second. My husband and I are hoping to learn about adoption from a few people we know who have adopted children, and I thought I'd ask here as well...
First of all, I am curious how people have chosen the agency they decided to work with? What were the deciding factors? I'd also love to hear some first-person stories about your adoption journey. Thanks in advance! |
Anonymous
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Some things we considered when looking for an adoption agency:
What programs do they have? (Domestic vs. specific international countries? Older child vs. only infants? What special needs programs, if any?) What authentic counseling do they offer to prospective birth parents? What training do they offer/require of prospective adoptive parents? What ongoing support do they offer to all members of the adoption triad and who pays for it? Are they full service or just homestudy or just placement? Are their timelines for adoption in line with most other agencies? If not, why not? Who do they partner with for their programs (ie, what agency in the other country for international, or what foster care system, or how do they contact birth parents?) Those questions give you a good idea about the ability of the agency to meet your needs, and also how they view adoption in general. Are they an ethical agency with a lifelong commitment to building healthy families, or are they just trying to place as many babies as they can each year? We started with the list of approved agencies in MD, and emailed or searched their websites to answer those questions. Those who had good answers to those questions got an email for an info package. If they didn't respond, they were gone from our list (one strike and you're out!) After that, we had 3 agencies left. We went to the info session at two of them and they both had really different gut-feels. i can't stress how useful the info sessions were. Sure, they gave information, but more importantly you got to meet the actual humans with whom you'll be building your family, see their facilities, and get a good sense of their mission and values. Both agencies seemed like good, reputable places. But one just "clicked" with us more than the other. Hope this helps. |
Anonymous
| You do not need to use a maryland agency. That was our mistake #1. You need one for the home study only and then you can take it to any agency in the country. |
Anonymous
| Can a person adopt just with an attorney without going through an agency? |
Anonymous
Yes, that is how we did it. Depending on the state, the attorney may or may not be able to match. But, you can find an expectant family and then just do it through the attorney. It is a lot of work and may not be cheaper. You do need a home study which an agency has to do. |
Anonymous
How did you find an expectant family without going through an agency? |
Anonymous
We did a variety of advertising but ultimately Parent Profiles worked for us (it took us several years and it was a very hard process and not one I'd do again). There are newer methods like outreach through Facebook, twitter and other sources (and paying for their ads). We were signed up with agencies to but they were just a ripoff. |
Anonymous
| We decided not to use a local agency (except for the Home Study of course) for a couple of reasons, partly that the local agencies didn't seem to have high rates of placement. Also the ones we looked at required quite a lot of the $ upfront which meant we would be committed to just one agency if we decided down the track we didn't like them. In addition we were looking for agencies where we weren't carrying a lot of the risk of losing birthmother and other expenses if there was a change of mind (the attorneys we looked at also seemed to have the client carry all of the financial risk). Instead we signed up with a few agencies (primarily) in the South that had low upfront costs (i.e. less the $500) and also signed up for some referral services. Ultimately, we adopted twice from an agency that did not require payment until placement and we had a wonderful experience - such agencies are out there. |
Anonymous
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First of all, OP, I am in the same boat as you only my child just turned 5. We discovered our inability to carry a year ago and are still coming to grips. It's gotten a lot better but I still have my days.
We decided to go with Catholic Charities in our area for a number of reasons: 1. They have a charitable fund to which birth mothers apply for help and they do not allow birth mothers to request help directly from adoptive parents. This was unlike the private agencies which basically all told me that the birth parents could ask for anything they wanted from the adoptive parents (help with rent, food, car payments, etc) on top of all the other fees you pay for. That philosophy made me feel like I was being extorted for a child/buying a child as a commodity. Not something I felt comfortable with. 2. Catholic Charities only works with adoptive parents who are infertile and have exhausted all of their options. We appreciated that support and the fact that we wouldn't have to wait in line behind people who are capable of having their own children but choosing to adopt. 3. Their fees are much more reasonable and operate on a sliding scale - $5000 + 10% of your AGI. And if for some reason the adoption falls through they refund your money. 4. The mental health and educational approach that they take on both sides made us feel that everyone in the process is treated with respect and as a human as opposed to simply a "client." They were the only agency we called who made us feel respected and listened to as opposed to "clients" in a business transaction. We are on the waiting list and expect to begin the educational classes in September. Once that is complete we will have our home study and then wait to be chosen. Good luck, OP. I think choosing an agency is terribly personal based on your own feelings, preferences, financial situation, etc. |
Anonymous
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Understand the difference between an adoption facilitator and an agency and whether your state allows the use of the former. A facilitator acts like a referral service finding out situations from many agencies.
If you are white or Black , will you consider adopting a child who is Black? Bi-racial? This will be one of the first questions you are asked by an agency. What medical/health situations are you open to considering? If a pregnant woman did drugs during pregnancy either before she found out she was pregnant or after or both are you ok with that? And if so, what kind of drugs are you comfortable with (different drugs have different effects)? What about mental health concerns? Understand what open adoption is and consider what level of openness you might be comfortable with. Ask the agency for a break down of fees. Ask their policy on paying adoptive parents paying birth mother expenses. Ask if there is a failed match, will the fees you paid be lost or applied to the next match. In what months of pregnancy does the agency look to match up pregnant women with families? Later on in the pregnancy is better than early on. Does the agency allow pregnant women to view all the family profiles they agency has available or does the agency first screen the profiles and then present a selected few to pregnant women? As an FYI -some adoption lingo: make an adoption plan or place for adoption - not give away or give up before placement - a pregnant women who is making an adoption plan is not a birth mother. She hasn't given birth yet and has not placed a child. after placement - various terms are used Birth Mother, biological mother, first mother, not natural or real mother. PAPs - pre adoptive parents |
Anonymous
Hi there, any chance you would share the agency information? |
Anonymous
This is certainly true. For us, we preferred to use the same agency for both homestudy and placement. We wanted to know the people and work with them in person, and felt like dealing with just one agency would be easier. Just something to think about. As you can see, there are a LOT of different options and factors. It comes down to what you are most comfortable with and what you think is important as far as ethics/logistics/finances. |
Anonymous
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Couple points.
I live in MD and we adopted in Kansas. There were a few reasons for that. First, your home study must be done by an agency in the state where you live. You can't live in NC and have a Virginia agency do your home study. Second, stay away from facilitators. They are illegal to use in the state of MD. I have heard some people have success with them, but they are shady shady shady. They will ask for money that you will not get back. Agree with PP on this: Ask the agency for a break down of fees. Ask their policy on paying adoptive parents paying birth mother expenses. Ask if there is a failed match, will the fees you paid be lost or applied to the next match. We had a failed match and did not have to put up any money the second time until everything was DONE. I would absolutely start by going to an information meeting night with an agency. You aren't obligated in any way, but you will get a feel for what is required of you. In MD, two big ones are Barker Foundation and Adoptions Together. I wouldn't put a lot of credence in how long they say it will take. They told us 2-3 years, and once we had our paperwork done, we had our son within a year. I got a little turned off by the whole process, but always remember, this is a business. They are building families and most people are in it for the beautiful thing that it is, but it is still a business. Agree with PPs that any decisions regarding adoption are extremely personal and you have to go with your gut. There is no right or wrong way to go about adopting. One of my pet peeves is there should be universal rules; as it stands now, every state can do whatever they want. Some will allow adoptive parents to pay for cell phone bills, water bills, new pair of tennis shoes for the birthmoms, but some, like MD, require you only pay for medical and legal things they need done. Be very careful and make sure you know what they can ask of you upfront. For us, we first tried to use word of mouth to find a birthmom. I had an attorney for a very short time. We put up flyers on college campuses, set up an 800 number so birthmoms could call us free, emailed gynos and ministers in our church, with our story trying to find someone. We never got close to finding a birthmom, but we did get calls from 2-3 scam artists who tried to get us to fork over cash. Thankully, we were on to them pretty quickly. I got very turned off by that and went straight to an agency. We chose Kansas because we wanted a buffer zone between us and the birth parents. Now, it seems silly, but at the time, it was important. We wanted a healthy, white infant. We also wanted a quick relinquishment. In Kansas, birthmoms can sign the final paperwork within 12 hours of a birth. Once they sign, it is irreversible. They cannot change their minds. In many states, they can have 30 days or even longer to change their minds. We didn't want to go through that, especially after going through failed IVFs. I was done with failing. Good luck to you, OP. |
Anonymous
| We did our two homestudies through the local Jewish Social Service Agency (we are not Jewish, it doesn't matter). Then we had an adoption attorney who has contacts at agencies and such in many states and would send us possible matches as they came up, depending on our parameters. We wound up with a match in Pa. the first time and another here in Md. the second time. We paid all the agency fees after the match was made. I guess it likely cost a bit more since the lawyer was involved but her time spent was somewhat minimal, especially the second time around. And it didn't moor us to one agency because of way high "sign up" fees/ |
Anonymous
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23:38, can you share which attorney you used and/or explain the process of finding one? Thanks so much!
Can anyone recommend good adoption agencies in VA? |