Am I being unrealistic in wanting my husband to call more often while travelling?

[Anonymous]

My husband travels internationally very frequently (gone about 2-3 weeks a month) and whenever he is gone, I never hear from him. Literally, he sends me a txt to let me know he arrived and then it's days before I hear from him again.. Maybe a 15 min. phone call once a week. Sometimes I do hear from him more often but only because I initiate a mini conversation via txt message. I would really like to hear from him more. I think the key to a good marriage is good communication but I feel like we have basically no communication and thus a shitty marriage. I feel very forgotten when he is gone...out of sight, out of mind...like he just doesn't give a crap anymore about my thoughts, feelings. Any attempts of mine to get him to be in contact more frequently have failed...he always just blows me off and if I display any anger to show how serious/frustrated I am, he blames it on PMS. He claims that he's literally busy the entire time working 20+ hours a day. I'm obviously not there but I don't believe it and think it's just his excuse. I've seen plenty of pictures of sightseeing while on these trips, so I feel like if he has time to do that, he certainly has time to make a phone call, or even just send a message saying "goodnight".

After dealing with this song and dance for the past couple of years, I finally blew a gasket when, after more or less forcing him to call me Sunday (I had been waiting to talk to him abt something important since Thursday), he cut it short and told me he'd have more time to talk Monday. Ok. Monday came and went and I didn't hear anything at all. Absolutely nothing. I was so disappointed. I understand things come up but at least tell me that... It takes what, 30 seconds to type a txt message? "Barbie, my meetings were rearranged so I'm not able to call you this morning as planned. I'll call you when I get a chance. Love, Ken". It's not that difficult. I feel like I'm so starved for his attention/affection that I end up making things even worse. He says I either need to deal with it or leave. That I'm the only spouse of the group who can't understand that they are busy while travelling...I can't even imagine how anybody else would be ok with this arrangement....either his coworkers call their wife more often than he thinks or the pool boy is coming over more frequently than for just the weekly pool cleaning if you know what I mean. He has his cell phone on him at all times and his employer pays for any communications, so it's not a lack of access or money issue. He's not in the middle of the desert so it's not a cell phone tower issue. He just plain and simple doesn't make the time. So that leads me to my original question. Am I being unrealistic in wanting my husband to maintain communication more often while travelling so frequently or am I just being a needy nag?

[Anonymous]

I don't think it's needy or a nag. I don't know about long convos every day, but texting is so stupidly simple and quick that I can't see not ripping a quick note off.

You need from him what you need, and that's not right or wrong, it just is what it is. My only advice is to not let anyone make you feel bad or weak for what you need / desire from a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Why are you staying in this marriage? Is he Prince Charming when he is home and that makes up for him being a dick the majority of the month?

[Anonymous]

No - you aren't a needy nag at all. My husband travels as often as yours and we contact each other every single day. And trust me, we aren't a couple who is very together. We don't talk on the phone but message or use a messagin app to check in - we have a child so maybe that's also a reason. It's a check in and a touching base to see if all is okay on both ends. I have a lot of friends whose husbands travel for work. They all speak with their husbands / message etc. Maybe not very day but every other day or every two days atleast. The ones with kids chat more often it seems. I'm sorry I don't have any advice - It seems he is the problem and not you. I just wanted you to know that you aren't unreasonable or wrong.

[Anonymous]

He sounds checked out of the marriage. Can he take a break from traveling so mych?

[Anonymous]

My husband travels abroad a lot too and we speak at least twice a day and text often. Even when there are huge time differences we figure a time ahead of time via text. He also calls the kids daily.
OP, I find this pretty weird. What is his behavior at home?

[Anonymous]

I can see how time differences can make calls tough, but he should use texts/emails to keep in touch. I had this problem with my husband, and it was due to him being checked out and our marriage was falling apart.

After lots of counseling and effort, it's now very different when he travels. We may not talk everyday, but there's usually some communication each day, and he gives me a heads up if he's not going to be able to check in because the next day has a easy schedule.

We also try to find time when he can video chat with the kids every. 2-3 days when he's away.

[Anonymous]

Um, I'm a guy and I hate being expected to be "charlie check-in" (calling or texting everytime I fart or change rooms) when travelling, but let me tell you: no, you are not being unrealistic! If you wanted some validation, there you go...your husband's current pattern is definitely way of down one end of the curve.

As someone else said, there is no independent "right" answer about how much is enough - only what you two agree on, and it sounds like he's not willing to give you what you want. Unless he's travelling someplace (eg, Africa, Afghanistan) where communications are spotty then it's just a matter of his unwillingness to do it. That doesn't make him "wrong" in the general sense, but wrong for you for sure.

[Anonymous]

8:36 here. That should say A crazy schedule, not an easy schedule.

[Anonymous]

I definitely expect at least a daily text so that I knew he was ok and he knew we were ok. It could be as simple as typing 3 characters "ok?" and "Y <3"

[Anonymous]

Both DH & I travel internationally for work. With time differences and crazy meeting schedules because you're trying to get as much done as possible in a short trip, it can be hard to have a live conversation BUT texting when you arrive and then being AWOL for days is unacceptable, IMO.

There are so many ways to communicate, there's really no excuse to not reach out daily. You can make little Skype video messages of 3 min or less at a time that's convenient for you that your spouse can to view later. When either of us is traveling, we normally send a quick "here's what my day will look like" note in the morning then do a more thorough message in the evening. When we can connect without some one having to stay up til 2am to have a conversation, then we do but sleep, health, and caring for the kids while solo all trump that. On DH's most recent trip, there was a serious issue with one of the kids and I had to decide in his absence, so there were more late night chats to talk that out - both DH & I sacrificed some sleep to make that happen. But in the absence of a major issue, the more casual messages work for us.

Anyway, I think you're well within reason to ask your husband to find a solution that works. It doesn't have to be a call or a text, it can be something during his hours, but it can't be nothing.

[Anonymous]

Satisfied wife of frequent international traveler here. I get the bleary-eyed "made it to hotel in Abi Dhabi. Tired getting to sleep b4 mtgns". Then every maybe other day I send a short email about what the kids and I are up to. "Kenny pitched a no hitter Wed, but walked 15. Sally got a B+ on the crazy world geography test. Bobbie tried peas -- you know the rest. xoxo, Sue." A day or more later he emails "Glad you're all well. Things here busy. Will be good to be home Sat. Bob"

Sometimes more and some calls (not many). I understand that this may be more than OP's getting and may be less than acceptable to OP and others. I'm just offering my experience and how it works for us.

[Anonymous]

PP unknowingly made a good suggestion - email. Maybe your husband isn't a phone person. Was he blowing your cell up prior to his international travels - when dating...when first married? If he wasn't calling you day and night before I don't see why you would expect him to switch up and start calling now. There are various forms of communication which a preferable to many different people...email, text, phone, Skype, instant messaging, postcards, letters, carrier pigeons, telegraph, telegram, smoke signals, drums, songs, dances...many ways you can communicate with each other besides talking on the phone.

[Anonymous]

This wouldn't be enough communication for me. But OP, you have left out an important piece of info -- what is your relationship like when he's at home? Is he attentive? How does he treat you?

[Anonymous]

Prior to getting married, I sold to the army OCONUS. I spent a lot of time overseas. I'm sorry to say, but I would NEVER EVER marry a guy who travels internationally all the time. Shenanigans that go on with international travel, coupled with a man who has no interest in talking to you, I would blindly bet money he cheats like a dog. It is so easy on international travel.