Am I being unrealistic in wanting my husband to call more often while travelling?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is it as soon as something seems awry in a relationship people want to run out and hire a private detective to follow their spouse around?

I don't know. But her DH is gone 3 weeks out of every 4, and he never calls her while he's gone? That sounds normal to you?

Well normal is a relative term. Relationships are are as distinct and unique as the individuals involved. Granted I'll admit it goes against the traditional dynamics of a relationship nowadays but hey, I guarantee you there's more than a few couples out there in a similar circumstance as the OP but are all smiles and completely content despite rarely seeing and corresponding with each other because of travel demands. Depends on the people involved and their respective personalities. Obviously the OP doesn't have the personality for this type of relationship hence the seeds of doubt and worry and fear beginning to sprout - but would putting Magnum P.I. on the case really address those issues or would it just give her a temporal false sense of security?

[Anonymous]

I'm surprised butt hurt lady isn't on here to tell you you're being too clingy because you actually expect someone who cares about you to respond to a text.

[Anonymous]

DH and I each travel for work. We connect in some way almost every day. Rarely we'll go 36 hours without talking. Sometimes I call DH after I've gotten out of the shower and am doing my hair and makeup in the hotel bathroom. He's called me while he's shaving. Facetime. It saves marriages. I've called him while I've been walking somewhere.

And I RARELY have time for sightseeing!

[Anonymous]

DH travels internationally 80% of the time -- he's gone for months at a time. It's just how it is. But we talk and email or text daily. Not because I'm a nag or because I think he's a cheater, but because we love each other. It's not a bed check, he's in a nasty part of the world and I worry. And I'm here with our child and he worries. We all can't wait until his next assignment allows him to be home full time again, but for now, we're coping as best we can. That involves regular contact. I send pics and quick emails throughout the day to his private email. I don't expect an answer, he just likes to feel that he's a part of things going on here at home.

This can't just be about contact and I, too, wonder what OP's DH is like at home. Because he doesn't sound like a prize.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Thanks for everybody for telling me I'm not crazy. I will address some questions..

-to those who picked up on relationship issues, you are correct. Dating was fine, hed call me every single night. Seemed like the perfect guy. Then we hit a roadbump when he started this new position. He had a new job, I had a new job, he traveled all the time, we were new to the area, newly engaged and living together for the first time...A lot to swallow all at once. We both work oddball hours (he rotates shifts when he is home) and the travelling on top of it didnt help. Its still hard to make time for a date night ...gradually things got in a rut.

Anyway so we've had ups and downs just like anybody else. We had a major down at the end of last year so we took a surprise vacation in january. Everything was perfect after that we both had such a good time. The trip after the vacay he contacted more than usual but it's slowly died back down since.

-the trips are legit. I have wondered myself if he's one of those people you hear about on the news with 5 wives that have no idea about each other but everything checks out. I've seen his itinerary or ticket stub laying around too many times.

-the travelling comes to an end soon luckily. We'll be moving on to a new assignment where no travelling is involved and we'll have more time to coordinate schedules. Basically we'll be normal again. I have faith this will improve the relationship, which is why I haven't abandonded ship yet. Hopefully not too much damage has been done such that things are beyond repair.

-other than not really having much time for each other, he's pretty decent when he's home. Makes me cupcakes and helps out around the house.

- I reached out to another spouse to see how often she heard from her husband on the same assignment. She reported something similar, especially around the end of the assignment which is where we are now. So maybe all the sightseeing was just something that happened at the beginning. There's been too many trips to really keep track of it all.

[Anonymous]

This would not be ok for me. I'm so sorry OP

[Anonymous]

I traveled internationally for a while and I spoke or emailed my wife every single day. I needed to know that she was OK and the kids were well quite apart from wanting to talk to them.

So you have a problem ....... I don't want to say that he is cheating but there is definitely that possibility. Depending on where he is traveling, there is an abundant availability of women.

[Anonymous]

OP, do not beat yourself down at all for how you feel about this. Your feelings are 100% normal and natural and any woman in your shoes would be just as upset as you are.

It seems your husband is gone 50% or more from home, and like you said, it isn't time OR money that is keeping him from communicating w/you, since he has pics sight-seeing & his co. is paying for his phone, etc. It's just that he is not willing to make the effort to communicate w/you.

And for him to blame your unhappiness on PMS! That is a huge cop-out!!

I say your marriage is pretty much an unbearable sham right now.
Even though you + your husband are legally bound, I really do not think your husband is into you. His behavior is very telling OP. He is not interested in keeping the lines of communication open w/you when you are apart. He should be missing you for God's sake. Absence should always make the heart grow fonder.

Since he said you can always leave, I say take his advice to heart.

What difference would it make anyway? Honestly you are alone anyway most of the time.

Personally, I think during these business trips, your husband may be cheating on you, but that is just my gut talking. I cannot prove it to you, but his behavior speaks volumes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Um, I'm a guy and I hate being expected to be "charlie check-in" (calling or texting everytime I fart or change rooms) when travelling, but let me tell you: no, you are not being unrealistic! If you wanted some validation, there you go...your husband's current pattern is definitely way of down one end of the curve.

As someone else said, there is no independent "right" answer about how much is enough - only what you two agree on, and it sounds like he's not willing to give you what you want. Unless he's travelling someplace (eg, Africa, Afghanistan) where communications are spotty then it's just a matter of his unwillingness to do it. That doesn't make him "wrong" in the general sense, but wrong for you for sure.

This is great advice. I also hate to "check in" or feel like I need to be constantly available for spousal communications, but one convo (or just an "I love and miss you" text) a day is totally reasonable, IMO.

[Anonymous]

OP,
Do you have children?

[Anonymous]

What line of work is he in? What does he says he does on these trips? What is is his job when he is back here. Because it's DC, it is possible that he has a covert job that he cannot tell you anything about. And what could also explain why he cannot be in touch. What he tells you he does over there maybe the cover story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What line of work is he in? What does he says he does on these trips? What is is his job when he is back here. Because it's DC, it is possible that he has a covert job that he cannot tell you anything about. And what could also explain why he cannot be in touch. What he tells you he does over there maybe the cover story.

There may be some truth to this. I have been on travel where DW could not know where I was or even what country. DW had problems with that, but she had to get over it.

She has since learned that I do not talk about these things, but she has figured somethings out....like when there is a big news story followed by a late night by me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband travels abroad a lot too and we speak at least twice a day and text often. Even when there are huge time differences we figure a time ahead of time via text. He also calls the kids daily.
OP, I find this pretty weird. What is his behavior at home?

First off, nobody can physically/mentally work 20+ hours/day 2-3 weeks a month unless they are on speed. Second, my DH will call me from the international office to say hello and then has a cell phone allowance so he can call US evening to say hello. He will also email me when away. Something is seriously wrong with your scenario.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What line of work is he in? What does he says he does on these trips? What is is his job when he is back here. Because it's DC, it is possible that he has a covert job that he cannot tell you anything about. And what could also explain why he cannot be in touch. What he tells you he does over there maybe the cover story.

There may be some truth to this. I have been on travel where DW could not know where I was or even what country. DW had problems with that, but she had to get over it.

She has since learned that I do not talk about these things, but she has figured somethings out....like when there is a big news story followed by a late night by me.

Are you a member of Seal Team Six?

[Anonymous]

DH travels a. Ton in North America and internationally. We have two kids and married 7 yrs. I hate the travel but if i need him to call he calls. He too can let days go on but if I text saying call me. He's there. I know he's swamped otherwise and the time zone makes ur pt hard to connect daily. But we talk every 2-3 days and talk properly. In between ilk email videos of pics of the kids and he always responds. I'm not needy or anything and sometimes it's fie. With me we haven't caught up in a few days bc my hands are full too. But it sounds like you r are not being respected. I'm sure if I felt that way DH would call daily if i needed it. My DH is gone more like 1-2 weeks a month.