Teen and Custody Arrangment

[Anonymous]

MY exDH and I have been divorce for three years and have been co-parenting our teen daughter. We have a 50/50 custody arrangment and shared joint legal custody. In reality it has worked out that DD spends her summer vacations, spring breaks and holiday breaks with her Dad. He lives overseas. However, this summer she is balking at going b/c she says she has plans with her friends and wants to stay here. Her Dad has even lined up a summer job opportunity for her.

What am I to do in this situation? I understand that teens need more time with their friends, but she needs to maintain her relationship with her Dad. The reasons for our divorce have nothing to do with her, and is and always has been a loving and concerned father. If ex wants to hold to the custody arrangement, could he sue me for DD not wanting to go? I know she had no say in the original agreement, but what say should teens have as things move along?

[Anonymous]

You would be in contempt to not send her. In addition, it is not in both their best interests. Your DD sees her friends during the school year and not her dad except for spring break and holidays. Tell her that this is only for a few more short years (what 4 or 5) and she would regret not going.
--divorced mom with full physical custody.

[Anonymous]

Agreed. She needs to go. While she's there she can have a discussion with her father about future summers. But for this summer, she needs to go.

How old is she btw?

[Anonymous]

I think at a certain age they are allowed to have a say in the arrangement and even to refuse to go, at least in some states. Maybe you can renegotiate for half the summer.

[Anonymous]

She has plans with her friends? No. She has plans with her father.

[Anonymous]

I was your daughter and it sucked! I absolutely hated being taken away from my friends to spend time with him . My parents forced me to go and I resented both if them for it. I was miserable at my dads. As a miserable sullen teenager I made everyone in the house miserable as well.

My DH does it differently. His kids live 2 hrs from us. If they have plans with friends, he makes sure they get to go even if that means doing the drive multiple times over the weekend or getting a hotel room for the weekend. This was not the case when they were little but as they've grown into teens he recognizes that their life is in the city they live in with their mother.

It sucks but the adults are the one that made this child and made the decision to divorce. Don't ask the child to keep being miserable. The adults are the ones that need to make the sacrifices. If that means exDH flies in for long weekends or your DD flies over for a few long weekends then so be it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was your daughter and it sucked! I absolutely hated being taken away from my friends to spend time with him . My parents forced me to go and I resented both if them for it. I was miserable at my dads. As a miserable sullen teenager I made everyone in the house miserable as well.

My DH does it differently. His kids live 2 hrs from us. If they have plans with friends, he makes sure they get to go even if that means doing the drive multiple times over the weekend or getting a hotel room for the weekend. This was not the case when they were little but as they've grown into teens he recognizes that their life is in the city they live in with their mother.

It sucks but the adults are the one that made this child and made the decision to divorce. Don't ask the child to keep being miserable. The adults are the ones that need to make the sacrifices. If that means exDH flies in for long weekends or your DD flies over for a few long weekends then so be it.

Some people are not big enough to acknowledge that the custodial parent is the child's "world" and they are second. Part of being a parent means putting your child's needs ahead of your own, ESPECIALLY emotional needs. Sounds like your DH is a great dad, under difficult circumstances.

[Anonymous]

I would say work out her staying for at least part of the summer if it were something major, like a mandatory dance audtion intensive or a late summer sports camp for playing on the high school team. I could even see working out that she is with her friends to celebrate her birthday.

But this is a little late in the game to not go just because she wants to hang with friends.

OP, do uou have a cordial relationship with dad? Wanting to be with friends over parents is completely normal at this age. If he is a reasonable man and you don't hate each other, maybe you can give him a heads up that she is getting to this very normal phase of life so that you can all work together to put together a new arrangement that recognizes that she is growing up. For example, an the dates be more flexible? Can she invite friends along for part of the visit? Can she stay if she has a legit reason like a job or a major activity? Her world is now her friends and leaving all summer is going to make her resent her time with dad. Maybe she can have some flexibiloty now that she is a teen?

Yes, I know tjis is not always possible, but parents in a divorce situation shojld do what they can to ensure that their kids don't miss out on normal growing up just because the parents are divorced.

[Anonymous]

This poor guys lives in another country, not just another city. He wants to be an involved father. OP's DD is in an enviable position and doesn't realize it because she's a teen and therefore unequipped pyschologically to look beyond her immediate social need to be with her peers.

My father moved to another city for work when I was in HS and could only see me once a month. Often, it meant driving 4 hours after an 8 hour work day. I wish I'd been able to spend the summers with him. Judges cared less about fathers back then.

[Anonymous]

tell your DD what responsibility means - she needs to grow the F up. Friends come and go - she only has 2 parents.

Your ExH sounds like a very caring and loving dad - you might want to have a heart-to-heart with him and jointly figure out how to deal with this.

[Anonymous]

Have her talk with him and tell him she doesn't want to come. Maybe they can work out that she'll come for at least a week or two. If she's old enough to make those decisions, she should be old enough to talk with her father and work things out with him.

[Anonymous]

She should discuss it with him. She's old enough to handle this stuff directly.

[Anonymous]

I don't know the situation, but did your ex always live out of the country? If he chose to take a job that took him so far away from his daughter, perhaps he needs to reconsider. At a certain point, she will really resent going away from home every summer. He may also need to make accommodations to come and spend time with her -- closer to her home.

On the other hand, if you moved back to the US from another country and moved DD away from her dad -- then I think you need to make more of an effort to ensure that she gets back to see her dad. Maybe as she gets older she could ask a friend to accompany her for part of the visit to her father's country.

[Anonymous]

If she stays, tell her she must get a job since her dad went through all the work to get her one there. She may change her tune when she realizes if she stays here, she can't hang out with friends all day, everyday.

Does you daughter have dual citizenship or did her dad go through all the work of getting her a work visa?

[Anonymous]

Maybe he had to work overseas to be able to provide for his DD.