Teen and Custody Arrangment

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe he had to work overseas to be able to provide for his DD.

Yes, people often forget that kids are expensive to bring up and that everyone - parents and child - need to make sacrifices for the "good of the family unit."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know the situation, but did your ex always live out of the country? If he chose to take a job that took him so far away from his daughter, perhaps he needs to reconsider. At a certain point, she will really resent going away from home every summer. He may also need to make accommodations to come and spend time with her -- closer to her home.

On the other hand, if you moved back to the US from another country and moved DD away from her dad -- then I think you need to make more of an effort to ensure that she gets back to see her dad. Maybe as she gets older she could ask a friend to accompany her for part of the visit to her father's country.

OP here. I am a foreign - born naturalized U.S. citizen. My ex is a Foreign Service Officer. I would say what led to the divorce were the demands of the Foreign Service lifestyle on the marriage and, specifically, on my ability to have a normal, professional career. During the course of the marriage, my exDH did two unaccompanied tours - leaving me here first with a small child and again later with a pre-teen. I decided not to go on the second tour - I could have - so that I could pursue my own professional development.

We decided in the end that we were both very unhappy and that the marriage was not working out. DD has been very angry over the divorce for some time. She does blame her Dad, perhaps b/c in my emotional states I have blamed him for "leaving us." It may not be fair, but it is how I feel.

He is at the stage with retirement, etc. that it does not make sense for him to get another job. He has, at best, two more foreign tours before retirement and college to help pay for. So, I don't think it reasonable for him to find a job "closer to DD" for just the few years before college. He did try to get a DC assignment, but in the end it did not work out. So, he will be off to Europe after language training.

He did, in fact, try to make the case that DD would be served well to complete HS in Europe as that would put her at a competitive advantage when applying to U.S. colleges. Plus, it would be great for her to travel around Europe. If she is not attending school there, I think she at least avail herself of the opportunity to travel and work abroad whiel it is still affordable. I just cannot prevail.

[Anonymous]

I also was your daughter -- I had to go stay with my father in the summer far from home where I had no friends and I hated every minute of it. I couldn't do any of the summer sports teams and camps with my teammates, I missed out on all the pool parties everyone would be writing me about. I felt it was like I was being grounded for the summer -- even though it wasn't my fault their marriage fell apart.

But I think this is between your daughter and your husband and they have to work out solution. Maybe she could go for a shorter time?

[Anonymous]

I think first you need to make sure you express to your daughter that the divorce is not his fault and he is a good guy who loves her. That is 100% on you, and unacceptable for you to put your emotions on her.

That said, I do think that living in Europe would be a great experience for her, especially with a job (which allows her to meet people and not just sulk around th house all day).

I would tell her she has to go - but that she needs to have a heart to heart with dad and figure out what works for everyone. Maybe she could do a semester abroad during high school to get that experience, but be able to do half a year in the US and keep her friends. Maybe he can go for 4-6 weeks instead of 8 weeks next summer. Maybe she can balance holidays in a different way. Maybe a friend could come with her for some visits. Perhaps her father could spend all his vacation time in the US, with her.

I think there are lots of options, and you all should be able to work out something that is reasonable.

[Anonymous]

Her father does spend all his vacation days in the U.S. for school breaks and holidays. He has to work in the summer.
She would go to work with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Her father does spend all his vacation days in the U.S. for school breaks and holidays. He has to work in the summer.
She would go to work with him.

In the Foreign Service?

[Anonymous]

I think those that feel the daughter should just suck it up have absolutely no idea how much it sucks to have to split up your life because your parents decided they made a bad decision to get married. In in-tact homes you have to spend a certain percentage of time with your parents. In divorced homes you have to double that plus move your entire life back and forth whenever you are told. Why should the kids have to constantly pay the price for their parents inability to keep the family together?

The father left, maybe if it's so important to him to see his daughter he should come to her country and visit her.

As a pn adult I can say I would love the opportunity to live in Europe for the summer, but she is a teenager who wants to see her friends. I would not make her go and I would tell your ex she will visit for a week but that's it.

That's coming from someone who was in your daughters position as well.

[Anonymous]

I am not sure the legalities or repercussions if she does not go this summer.

The best solution here would be to have your daughter personally talk to your husband and tell him her reasons for not wanting to go this summer.

Let it be between the two of them and see if they can figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Remind her about skype, etc. She can stay in touch with her friends. It is not like it used to be .... But she has to go for at least part of the time.

[Anonymous]

I was your daughter. In my case, mom moved with us abroad. I hated it too and in my teens skipped a summer and took a friend down for a summer. My dad struggled with this aspect of my growing up and I just struggled to relate to a man I knew was my dad but I did not feel comfortable arou.d because of my angsty teenager self.I now have a relationship with my dad. It isn't perfect but it's there and I doubt it would be if we'd not all been fircwd by the adults to do what was in our long-term interests. Make her go. Make the decision you need to make for the woman she will one day become not the angsty kid she still is. Give dad a up about thw obnoxious person he'll be retrieving from the airport. You two may not have worked out but he cares, from your account is a good dad, and should know his daughter- give th a fighting chance at a relatipnsgip. Don't articulate to her that you are uncertaon either, kida are great at playing your weaknesses. Present a united front. Your friwnda may very well have summer plans that you want to participate in, Larla, but you have more important summer plans. You will be gpi.g to see ypur father, family trumps friendsgip. The

[Anonymous]

^^on phone- excuse garbled text

[Anonymous]

16:47, I'm a child of divorce and a custodial mom. I think the daughter should go unless her dad is abusive, neglectful, on drugs, or insane. He sounds like a good dad. I wish I could have spent summers in Philly with my dad after my parents split up. Yes, I would have missed my friends, but I missed my dad more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Her father does spend all his vacation days in the U.S. for school breaks and holidays. He has to work in the summer.
She would go to work with him.

In the Foreign Service?

Yes, many embassies and consulates have summer work programs for the kids of FS Officers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think those that feel the daughter should just suck it up have absolutely no idea how much it sucks to have to split up your life because your parents decided they made a bad decision to get married. In in-tact homes you have to spend a certain percentage of time with your parents. In divorced homes you have to double that plus move your entire life back and forth whenever you are told. Why should the kids have to constantly pay the price for their parents inability to keep the family together?

The father left, maybe if it's so important to him to see his daughter he should come to her country and visit her.

As a pn adult I can say I would love the opportunity to live in Europe for the summer, but she is a teenager who wants to see her friends. I would not make her go and I would tell your ex she will visit for a week but that's it.

That's coming from someone who was in your daughters position as well.

Did you not read? Dad does comes to visit - every chance he has. He wants to give his DD a summer experience that she will not get hanging out with her friends - who she sees all year - at the mall!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Her father does spend all his vacation days in the U.S. for school breaks and holidays. He has to work in the summer.
She would go to work with him.

In the Foreign Service?

Yes, many embassies and consulates have summer work programs for the kids of FS Officers.

I didn't know that. What an opportunity! This isn't a boring babysitting or restaurant job. This is great college application material.