Asking parents to reflect on their parenting

[Anonymous]

I am 27 years old and my parents separated when I was 10 and divorced when I was 13. I have issues with both parents - father abused substances and has been jobless/ homeless on and off. He is fairly emotionally supportive and encouraging. Mother has been very emotionally distant since I was a child, but was the parent I could count on to remember to pick me up from school, etc. I always wanted to be close to my mother, but never felt she liked me very much. I talk to both parents on a semi regular basis and would consider our relationships OK, but lacking in honesty and depth. I am terrified to be vulnerable in front of either parent, and I often find myself expressing anger towards them (sadness masked as anger, according to therapist). I don't blame either parent for anything in my life - I am basically stable, educated, employed, etc, just trying to understand myself and my actions better. I have recently been in therapy and I have been thinking a lot about my parents divorce even though it was literally 15 years ago. I don't think I dealt with it then. I remember hiding it from my friends for years and I still don't bring it up (for example, new friends often don't realize my parents are divorces until they have known me for several years.). I don't think divorce is shameful or anything like that.

The question is... I want to sort of interview my parents. I want to ask them questions about their perspectives on their biggest successes and failures as parents. What they wish they would have told me. The most important thing they told me. Therapist thinks this could help me understand my parents more, express my sadness in a way other than anger. Also, it could open up more honest, vulnerable conversations, which I crave but am afraid of, especially with my mom. Has anyone ever asked their parents to reflect on their parenting? Did it go well? Any advice for doing this? (I would probably write questions in advance, but talk to them in person. Even though both parents are their own brand of crazy, both were actually therapists (retired) ... figures... ). I live in DC and they live in another east coast town.

[Anonymous]

Be careful. You might open up a can of worms.

Your father might have a mental issue. Some people self medicate. Or perhaps he is just an addict.

I'm not really sure what you will get out of it. Do you want your parents to say "I Love You" and we shouldn't have gotten divorced?

In my family (including extended family I am close to), we NEVER said "I love you." Ever.

My DH says it to me almost daily and we say it to our kids.
I have noticed that now my dad will say it to our kids. I guess he feels comfortable saying it to them because we do. He is also a LOT more mellow with the grandkids than he ever was with us.

I don't think you will get the closure/pat on the back/warm fuzzy feelings that you are looking for. You say you talk to them. How about you ask, "What would you have done differently in your life?"

That's pretty open and doesn't force them to say they made a mistake.

I'm a mom and I see things differently. We are much more involved with our children than our parents were. Notice I didn't say "better." We try, same as they did.

[Anonymous]

I think this sounds like a very bad idea. You are not going to change who they are, at this juncture. All you are going to do is stir up guilt and anger and sadness.

Let sleeping dogs lie, and concentrate on fixing yourself. There is nothing you can do about others.

[Anonymous]

I have. I was able to forgive them for things id been angry at them for years about when they just said "yeah I don't know what I was thinking doing that to you". We think of our parents as gods, but really they're just people, as fucked up as we are, who happened to have kids. If only you had to get a degree in order to have kids. Ask them. Tell them you want to ask to understand from their perspective, but not to judge.

[Anonymous]

It depends on the parents. I tried this with my dad but got nowhere. He couldn't acknowledge that maybe he had not been the optimal dad. But then he had absolutely no insight or interpersonal skills. My mom could talk about this sort of thing but I don't feel the need. I would work with your therapist on how you would want the conversation to go. Then think realistically about whether either of them is capable of giving you what you want.

You could also try and develop intimacy with them in other areas, improve your relationship. Just because your childhood is over doesn't mean your relationship with them is.

[Anonymous]

I also find this idea troubling, particularly in your vulnerable state. A better suggestion, in my opinion, is for YOU to decide what they should have done differently and come to terms with the fact that this didnt happen.

When you yourself become a parent (you did not mention you are, so I believe you must not be) then you can revisit this idea of failings. Because you will have something to compare it to.

Im just very uncomfortable with this suggestion and I think your therapist is a bit odd for even suggesting it, if she is aware how terrified you are. Is she??

You need to come to terms with your anger somehow without inviting a can of worms and burdening others with this baggage, even if they could be thought of as "deserving" it. Because its not about that. Its about what YOU need to move forward, and I just strongly suspect this is NOT IT.

You cant make a person take a personal inventory on your timeline. That is what this is. Im getting more and more uncomfortable just thinking about it. Yikes.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure how this could come across as anything g other than blaming your parents, even if you dont mean it that way

[Anonymous]

I think this will end badly. I would instead ask the therapist to help you work through these issues on your own, develop some tools to have a healthy (even if not particularly close) relationship with your parents and help you come up with a plan to do better with your own kids. As adults, I think we have a responsibility to try to move on from the damage our parents may have done and try to forgive or at least accept them with their faults.